Getting Ready to be the Baby Belle of the Ball

Well, I was going to self tan this morning but Roseanne was on and I was on a sewing streak. My dress is more than half way done and I think it is going to look fa.bu.lous. Well, in a darkened room and with the help of wine. Tonight I have to hand sew the trim onto the slit and to the neckline which I am converting from round neck to v-neck. But that is the story of the dress so far. Let's talk about getting ready for the event.

This will be my fifth time going to the ball in the Hofburg Palace. My life, it is so hard.

They only have Veuve... not Moet. My life, it sucks.

I have so far made 2 out of 4 dresses (this will be the third one out of 5) and I have been fortunate enough that they all survived each night. No wardrobe malfunction for me thankyouverymuch. I write that with some disappointment.

Anyway, getting ready for a ball is a little bit like getting ready for the Oscars but nobody cares who you are or you don't win anything besides maybe herpes if you make a poor life choice at the event, however, you get to wear a full length dress, look pretty and get shit faced in one of the most elegant of locations. The only Jew yelling WHO ARE YOU WEARING?!? will be me. So, what do you need to do to get ready for the ball?

Come along and I'll show you! (we are skipping and holding hands, capiche?)

The Dress: decide on what you are going to wear. If you are attending a Viennese ball, the rules are usually floor length dresses and that is it. Colour, fabric, the choice is yours! The one that we are attending also allows traditional costumes. The Husband said no to my lumberjack-inspired ball dress. Jerk. When looking for a dress, look for one that you can move in. If you have a train, realize that it will be stepped on at least a dozen times. Wear something that is somewhat comfortable and make sure you try it one with appropriate undergarments at least a day or two before the ball (reference: Boob Debacle 2008)

Face prep: DO NOT GET A DEEP CLEANSING FACIAL A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE BALL. If you want to have great skin for the event, book your facial at least a week in advance. Facials are amazing but your skin does not recover for at least a few days. A face mask and/or home peeling is fine on the same day. Do not wear make-up at all during the day. A fresh application will look so much better on rested and clean skin.

Body prep: This year I am going to try and rock a bit of a tan. I will be attempting it tomorrow night. Thank you jeebus that my dress has sleeves. Since a lot of dresses are sleeveless, make sure to take care of your pits. Exfoliate a lot for a few days ahead and apply cold cream to your elbows. Especially if your elbows look like mine; dragged across concrete for hours. If your dress doesn't have a slit, don't worry about shaving your legs. The hair will provide extra warmth.

Mani and pedi: Self explanatory. If you don't have kids, put on your dress and do your make-up and hair and then do your nails about an hour before you go. You will avoid scratching up your polish with hair pins and zippers. Or do your mani in the morning and seal it with a great top coat. Also note that red nail polish takes the longest to dry.

Shoes: MUST BE COMFORTABLE. Last year was the first time we had a table and my feet still hurt at the end of the night. Marble floors and heels are painful so make sure you invest in gel inserts to take some of the shooting and searing pain away... some.

Hair and make-up: If you are getting your hair did, make sure and book well in advance and note that most salons close in the early afternoons on Saturdays. Ideally you can pay someone to come by but then you are rich and special so you might as well give me a call and we can hang out. If you are doing your own make-up, make sure to use a high quality primer to keep the make-up in place. Bring powder, concealer and lipstick in your tiny clutch. Balls start usually around 7:30-8:00 and go until about 2 or 3 in the morning. If you are still awake and not burdened with children at home, you can head to Cafe Schwarzenberg for a middle of the night breakfast. STILL ON MY BUCKET LIST. Ergo, your make-up needs to be pretty durable.

Those are my tips. Don't forget to invest in great undergarments and try them on with the dress before the day of the ball. Avoid a facial right before. Wear comfortable shoes. Invest in a good primer.

And so, please wish me luck that when I finally finish dinner and a glass of wine tonight, I will have the motivation to sweatshop-like work on my dress. I also have to purchase a really good push-up bra tomorrow because I figure my ta tas can distract from the shoddy craftmanship of my dress. Smoke and mirrors, my friends, smoke and mirrors.