Throwback Thursdays - Doctor Visits
I believe in doctors. I think doctors are great. But you know what? They scare the bejeebus out of me. And this is not a recent thing, this started when I was 5. We lived in Germany and for some reason, the doctor was a sadist. Every.single.time I went there she would give me a blood test. Her reason? I had thin hair. Well, excuuuuuuse me for not knowing about volumizing mousse back then. I would kick and scream before going and my mother would always say "Trust me, there won't be a blood test this time." You lie, woman! LIES! At least I always got a great new My Little Pony at the end. I'm easily bought. I hated that doctor.
Then, while still living in Germany, when I was about 7, I started getting tons of little bumps on my chest. We went to a doctor and the doctor was like "oh yeah, we'll just slice those bad boys off." So a few days later we headed to another office and I had to lie down in an operating room and they applied disinfectant and then with a scalpel, sliced each and every one off. Yeah, that was awesome. How about pain killers, you douche? That was traumatic. But the worst part - those little suckers grew back and I had to go AGAIN! I had a lot of My Little Ponies accrued by that time. When we moved back to Canada, the bumps came back once again and the new doctor gave me some cream and within a week, those suckers were gone. I think I might have said something like "I AM NEVER LEAVING THIS COUNTRY!"
Then there was the emergency appendectomy but that is a Christmas story and I'll save that for another post.
Then in Moscow, at the age of 18 I decided to go on the Pill. My mother sent my father to go with me to the American medical clinic because that is what every father dreams of doing. I went into the office alone and this very angry Russian doctor sat down and she was all like:
"Why you want pill?"
"Um, because I think I am of the age."
"You no need pill. No sex. Too young."
"Um. I kind of would like the Pill."
"You too young for sex but I give you prescription. Have no sex."
"O.K."
And then my father had to take my prescription to the counter to get it filled and I wanted to die.
Let's move up to my first year of college shall we? I discovered a bump on my neck in freshman year. A guy I was seeing at the time was like "Maybe you swallowed a tater tot wrong." Funny, we didn't last long after that. I went to the university doctor and they sent me for a battery of tests. One place I had to go was to check for tuberculosis. I had a tiny fear of doctors/nurses but I figured I was back in Canada and all would be good. I walked into the lab with a big smile and this she-gremlin came up to me.
"Show me your forearm!" she barked
"O.K. I just wanted to ask... HOLY SHIT!" the she-gremlin had stabbed me without warning. "GAH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"
"Don't be a baby!"
That's when angry confrontational Tova was about to go all angry and confrontational until I looked over and saw a ginormous guy sitting in the corner, nursing his wound. Our eyes locked and he shook his head slowly as if to say "Not worth it, man" It was a terrifying ordeal. Luckily, after my biopsy, I got the all clear and I vowed to avoid doctors and nurses for ever. That was, until my ear drum burst. What?
It wasn't until I was pregnant that I had to see doctors regularly again. My word, I was a pin cushion. And I could pee into a cup like a champ. The first blood test required scared the bejeebus out of me and so I brought a friend. Once that was done, I was golden and pretty fine with all the poking and prodding. I mean, that is what got me there in the first place. Heh. I'm here all night, folks!
The pregnancy was a pain, the c-section was alright (that's another story), the hospital stay after the c-section was the stuff of nightmares. But I'll skip over that part now. No, let me take you to my last day at the hospital. My arms were incredibly bruised from the bajillion blood tests I had had because the jerk ass doctor thought I was dying. It's called stress, you moron. Anyway, this student doctor came into my room to take some blood and she BROKE THE MOTHERLOVING NEEDLE IN MY ARM! It was like a scene from a Tim Burton film. Old faithful. But with blood and screaming. So, yes, I get a little freaked out about blood tests.
And this morning, I had to get one. And I told the woman the story and she was so incredibly awesome and gentle and when she finished I said "you, you're very good." And now all is right in the world until I have to go back tomorrow morning and get yelled at by a doctor for my sub par urine and blood sample results. I never do well in tests, ever. Happy Thursday!
Then, while still living in Germany, when I was about 7, I started getting tons of little bumps on my chest. We went to a doctor and the doctor was like "oh yeah, we'll just slice those bad boys off." So a few days later we headed to another office and I had to lie down in an operating room and they applied disinfectant and then with a scalpel, sliced each and every one off. Yeah, that was awesome. How about pain killers, you douche? That was traumatic. But the worst part - those little suckers grew back and I had to go AGAIN! I had a lot of My Little Ponies accrued by that time. When we moved back to Canada, the bumps came back once again and the new doctor gave me some cream and within a week, those suckers were gone. I think I might have said something like "I AM NEVER LEAVING THIS COUNTRY!"
Then there was the emergency appendectomy but that is a Christmas story and I'll save that for another post.
Then in Moscow, at the age of 18 I decided to go on the Pill. My mother sent my father to go with me to the American medical clinic because that is what every father dreams of doing. I went into the office alone and this very angry Russian doctor sat down and she was all like:
"Why you want pill?"
"Um, because I think I am of the age."
"You no need pill. No sex. Too young."
"Um. I kind of would like the Pill."
"You too young for sex but I give you prescription. Have no sex."
"O.K."
And then my father had to take my prescription to the counter to get it filled and I wanted to die.
Let's move up to my first year of college shall we? I discovered a bump on my neck in freshman year. A guy I was seeing at the time was like "Maybe you swallowed a tater tot wrong." Funny, we didn't last long after that. I went to the university doctor and they sent me for a battery of tests. One place I had to go was to check for tuberculosis. I had a tiny fear of doctors/nurses but I figured I was back in Canada and all would be good. I walked into the lab with a big smile and this she-gremlin came up to me.
"Show me your forearm!" she barked
"O.K. I just wanted to ask... HOLY SHIT!" the she-gremlin had stabbed me without warning. "GAH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"
"Don't be a baby!"
That's when angry confrontational Tova was about to go all angry and confrontational until I looked over and saw a ginormous guy sitting in the corner, nursing his wound. Our eyes locked and he shook his head slowly as if to say "Not worth it, man" It was a terrifying ordeal. Luckily, after my biopsy, I got the all clear and I vowed to avoid doctors and nurses for ever. That was, until my ear drum burst. What?
It wasn't until I was pregnant that I had to see doctors regularly again. My word, I was a pin cushion. And I could pee into a cup like a champ. The first blood test required scared the bejeebus out of me and so I brought a friend. Once that was done, I was golden and pretty fine with all the poking and prodding. I mean, that is what got me there in the first place. Heh. I'm here all night, folks!
The pregnancy was a pain, the c-section was alright (that's another story), the hospital stay after the c-section was the stuff of nightmares. But I'll skip over that part now. No, let me take you to my last day at the hospital. My arms were incredibly bruised from the bajillion blood tests I had had because the jerk ass doctor thought I was dying. It's called stress, you moron. Anyway, this student doctor came into my room to take some blood and she BROKE THE MOTHERLOVING NEEDLE IN MY ARM! It was like a scene from a Tim Burton film. Old faithful. But with blood and screaming. So, yes, I get a little freaked out about blood tests.
And this morning, I had to get one. And I told the woman the story and she was so incredibly awesome and gentle and when she finished I said "you, you're very good." And now all is right in the world until I have to go back tomorrow morning and get yelled at by a doctor for my sub par urine and blood sample results. I never do well in tests, ever. Happy Thursday!
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