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Friday, 21 November 2014

Friday Wrap-Up

Hola everybody! It is Friday night and I am in my sweats, currently enjoying a cranberry vodka because Mommy can't drink yeast. Ugh. Pity party for one. Or not... because I am enjoying cranberry juice WITH vodka. When life gives you something uncomfortable, you switch to vodka... and cranberry juice. I think you get what I am saying. I couldn't BE more obvious.

It has been a hectic week and I am still all angtsy for my "exciting news" to happen officially so that I can brag and brag. But I will be patient. Where's my drink? This week was a bit of blur with a lot of annoying whining on my part. And it was also filled with a lot of laughter. So here is a bit of a re-cap using keywords again.

Cellphone: Son of a bitch! My alarm didn't go off again. I overslept. This is the second time in a few weeks and it has thrown me for a loop. I do not OVERSLEEP! My normal time for arising from my coffin is 5 a.m.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up with a start. I looked at my cellphone and saw that it was 2:35 a.m. I shrugged and looked outside and thought "Is it summer in the arctic because it sure is bright out there?" and I made my way to the kitchen to make some milk for the Kid in case he woke up before 5. I kept thinking how well rested I felt. La la la la. I made the milk and thought "That's odd. Birds are singing." shrug. La la la la. And then I looked at the microwave clock and screamed. It was 7:10. I overslept by 2 hours. MotherLOVER!

I started swearing "Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!" and the Husband yelled back "What?!? WHAT?!?!" and I exclaimed "I AM LATE!" and more swearing happened and then I turned my rage onto the Husband "WHY DIDN'T YOUR ALARM GO OFF?!? WHY?!?!?" and he responded with "My alarm is set for 7:15" and just at that moment, his alarm went off; like red to a bull that was. And then I yelled "WHAT PERSON WITH A TODDLER SETS HIS ALARM FOR 7:15?!? WHY?! OH GOD! I AM SO LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTEE!" So yeah, he got an apology e-mail a couple of hours later. Stupid phone that froze. Stupid stupid. Buying an alarm clock tomorrow.

The night of the living toddler: Tuesday night must have been some type of weird eclipse thing. I don't know what happened but let's just say I got about 3 hours of sleep. The evening went well. The Kid went to bed at 7:15. He fell asleep 15 minutes later. The Husband and I watched some TV and just when Melrose Place ended, we heard the ominous noise that is a toddler making his way out of his room. He didn't complain or make noise but rather went straight to our bed. We shrugged and headed to bed as well. And then the whispering started. Non-stop whispering. I don't know what kind of possession he was experiencing but there is nothing quite as creepy as a toddler whispering at 2 in the morning. Finally at three, he fell asleep for 3 hours. I have no idea how all three of us functioned the next day. And let me just add, the Husband got another apology e-mail on Wednesday. I say mean things in the middle of the night.

Words I can't pronounce: So the other week I mentioned the fact that I can't pronounce "awry" and my friend literally called me stupid and I have to agree with her. Just this week I once again proved my not so smartness. I pronounced "Orion" like "Oreon" and not "O'Ryan". This led to lots and lots of mocking with a visit to Google Translate to make sure I was stupid. And since we are both in our thirties and always professional, we decided to make Google Translate say "poop". Oh the laughter. And because I can't be the only stupid person, I tried to find a bunch of words to trip her up. Chipotle. I love you. And by the way, we've all been pronouncing Dr. Seuss wrong. It is Dr. Soiss. Little known fact: Oh the Places You'll Go was originally Oh the Places You'll Go... After I Kick Your Ass For Once Again Mispronouncing My Name. Other little know fact; I made that earlier little known fact up.
Say my name, bitch.

13 years: The Husband and I celebrated our 13 years of togetherness. Wow! I was a brat because we didn't got out for dinner. And I was very obnoxious. And yes, I know how lucky I am to have such a great man who still talks to me and doesn't want to smother me with a pillow every night. He got an apology e-mail this morning so all is fine. Until our wedding anniversary in January.

And so I come to the end of my very random post. I have a busy weekend planned. Tomorrow morning will be an early morning walk with my friend. At 9 I have a meeting. At 1 I am taking the Kid to an indoor playground and shoot me in the head. And in the evening I am going out for dinner. On Sunday we are having a couple of friends over for a late lunch and I will probably need another weekend after this one. Upcoming post: my re-cap of the Arnie classic; Jingle All the Way. Aren't y'all lucky!

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Lifetime Christmas Films - Undercover Christmas

Oh guys. I love made-for-tv films. I don't know what it is about them but they are special. The Husband and I truly love craptastic films that we can watch while on the sofa. We cackle, we discuss and we laugh and laugh. On one of our two romantical weekend trips we took this summer, we about lost our ever loving minds when we discovered that there was a channel that showed true life crime movies 24 hours straight. Oh! The goodness that was shown.

We watched a film starring the brunette from Charlie's angels. This true story was about a nurse who faked her pregnancies to hold on to her married boyfriend. Then she got desperate for babies and ended up killing a woman. Lori Laughlin starred in it as well. Fantastic. Then there was another one starring Jack Ritter who plays an abusive husband and it was kind of like someone casting Mr. Rogers to play a South American drug lord. All so wrong... But again, so fantastic. And the third film we watched starred Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna's lips. He plays a sex addict and she was the unsuspecting wife. I was totally bummed that we had to check out before we could watch the film starring Tori Spelling as a killer cheerleader. Gah!

So anyway, yes, we are those types of people. As Christmas comes hurtling towards us, I decided it was time to start the watching of terrible made-for-tv Christmas films. And so now I would like to recap the fine fine film Undercover Christmas.

So here is the story. It starts out with some terrible auto tuned saxophone cocktail bar music circa early 1990's even though it is supposed to 2003. Jaime Gertz (I LOVED YOU IN LOST BOYS AND TWISTER!) is a cocktail waitress forced to serve people while wearing a slutty Mrs. Claus outfit.

We quickly find out that her boyfriend is a douche and has once again reneged on his promise to take her to his family's fancy schmancy Christmas party. She is obsessed with attending this Christmas party because well, her name is Brandy and she works in a cocktail bar. She is being watched by a tall and dark stranger and the viewer, the brilliant viewer, pretty much realizes that this guy will play an important role veddy veddy soon. Brandy's co-worker, feeling sorry for her, invites her over for Christmas because, and I quote "Her kids' dads are all busy." because of course. A mommy with several baby daddies must work at a cocktail bar. Where are all the med students I ask you?!?

Brandy ends up throwing a drink in her douchey boyfriend's face and storms out. Then the tall and dark stranger stops her in the street and tells her he is an FBI agent and that her douchey boyfriend has scammed people. People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth.

Next we see Brandy at a police station being coerced to testify against her boyfriend. The prosecutor points out her nice nice nice jacket and the fact that her boyfriend has put her up in a nice nice nice apartment that she can't possibly afford as a cocktail waitress so ergo she could be considered an accomplice to his bad bad ways, scamming people with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Brandy has no choice but to testify.

Dark and tall stranger, is of course in charge of keeping her safe until the trial. Earlier in this craptastic film, we see his mother ask him to come home for Christmas and once again Jake (his name is Jake because of course it is) says he can't come because he has to work. Jake decides to take Brandy to a safe location and while they are eating something at a truck stop, he gets a call that his dad has had a heart attack. He has no choice but to get home ASAP with Brandy in tow. They pull up to the house around 7 or 8 (heh) and Brandy can't believe the grandness of it all. We know this as a viewer because the camera zooms in and out allover the ground floor of the house with angelic music playing. Jake's mom is all faaancy and not at all impressed with cocktail waitress Brandy. Because of course no one corrects mom that Jake is boinking Brandy.

The mom even explains to the family that Jake has brought home a "predator". OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!?! Anyway, Also, the film kind of glosses over the fact that the mom totally lied to her son that her husband had a heart attack, This was her clever ploy. Her disgustingly terrible ploy to get Jake to come home for Christmas. Meanwhile, Brandy becomes smitten with all the awesomeness that is the family even though there is an undertone of serious disfunction. Patriarch Jake's dad points out that his daughter should spend less time being lawyer and more time being a mother to his granddaughter and in the same breath berates Jake for not being all that he can be. Gah!! Then Brandy is told that the family has a fancy schmancy Christmas party and Brandy says out loud, to Jake's mother, that she has nothing to wear. Me thinks the Mrs. Claus dress would have been just fine with a little sweatah. Cue low budget Pretty Woman scene. Gah!

So the party starts and Brandy now looks like dis.

And Jake is all smitten. And they have literally known each other for 24 hours but you know it is love and the whole family is starting to accept Brandy because she now wears panty hose. Until... one guest recognizes her as the cocktail waitress that is supposed to be testifying against his client in a few days. And then Jake dad is pissed that he was lied to and then Jake says something about Brandy being a real American because she is going to testify and at this point I started shoving bamboo shoots under my nails.
That was literally his smitten look through out the film.
After some yelling, they all go to bed and Brandy tells some sob story about her mom being the village bicycle and that all she wants is a real family Christmas and Jake apparently is even more smitten with her. Or he is thinking about her mom. The next morning they have a real CHRISTMAS and Brandy gets all sorts of gifts and even makes the teenage granddaughter happy and Jake and his dad still can't make up and then it is time for Jake to bring Brandy to a safe place so that she can testify.

Lo and behold, once in the hotel, her douchey boyfriend shows up with presents and trys to convince her not to testify against him. Me thinks it would have been cheaper to hire a hitman but I guess Lifetime decided against that clichee. She mulls it over after douchey boyfriend leaves and then Jake comes by and spies the presents. And then they have a dramatic talk about how he thinks she could do better and she is all like "I can't do better. I'm just a cocktail waitress." and I am all like "What?! She gets a mink coat and she is a COCKTAIL WAITRESS?!? NO! She can't do better! I don't have a mink coat!" (disclaimer: I don't buy fur and am a huge fan of fake fur.. but come on!). Then Jake storms out and we, the viewers, are left wondering whether or not Brandy will testify. Oh! The suspense!

Cut to the next day and Brandy shows up to court all suited up in something conservative that Jake's family would approve of. Jake's mom and dad come to support her and the dad apologizes to Jake for being a jerk. Brandy rocks the trial by naming all the shady shady crap her douchey boyfriend did to people.  People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Because of course a guy like her douchey boyfriend would tell his cocktail waitress girlfriend EVERYTHING!
Lemme tell you about my money-laundering scheme after you bring me a scotch.
Case closed. Brandy leaves court. Is called a hero. Jake is praised by his dad for bringing down the biggest case of tax evasion eva (wait, I thought the boyfriend scammed people? What?) and then Brandy and Jake stand on the courthouse steps and say something stupid and then she invites him to her mom's place for Christmas and then they kiss and then it snows.
I regret not doing the Lost Boys sequel
We pan out to a woman wearing a Christmas sweater standing on her front porch of a not so nice house. She is smoking because she is Brandy's mom and ergo the reformed village bicycle has to be obviously slightly flawed to us viewers. Jake and Brandy show up and they all hug and go inside. The end. What? What the hell? That made no sense. None at all... which is probably why this type of film is awesome. If you made it this far through my re-cap, I salute you. Stay tuned for another one in a week or two. This was way too much fun.

Monday, 17 November 2014

The Weekend Passe (accent on the "e")

Sup? It is Monday night and I just inhaled a mozzarella/pesto ciabatta sammich and all is right in the world. I am still recovering from a fun fun weekend. And I am also in the middle of a biggish project. I've been a bit of a pain in the tuckus by writing on Facebook about "MY EXCITING NEWS!" that I can't reveal yet. I apologize. But all will be revealed soon. On Friday evening I had a meeting that ties into MY EXCITING NEWS and I kind of feel like I have been on a legal high ever since. All will be revealed soon. Soon, my pretties, soon.
Patience. Shhhhh.
Saturday turned out to be an awesome awesome night. I took my early morning walk with my friend. We did 14 k which is absolutely insane and pretty awesome and yet my pants are still too damned tight. Ugh. Then I pulled out the Christmas decorations and the Michael Buble Christmas CD. The Husband was all like:
"Why? Why are you doing this? It's too early!" and I was like "Well, I figure if I see what we have in terms of decorations, I will end up not buying more stuff that we don't need. Technically we would saaaave money!" and he was all like "Dear, we have so much stuff. Why would you need to buy more?!?" and then I was all like, in my head "Probably shouldn't tell him about the large silver reindeer I spied at Kare that I waaaaant!" Anyway, our apartment is all sparkly and pretty and I showed restraint by not putting up the tree. And that wasn't really restraint... that was more due to the fact that I haven't bought more LED lights so that our tree sucks so much energy that Greenpeace will burn our effigies in the street. A girl can dream.
Damn straight, Walt.
Later in the afternoon I headed out and met up with a friend for a couple of glasses of wine in the center and then I headed to dinner. One of my oldest and bestest friends was in town and her mother invited us to dinner at her place. To prepare, I wore a stretchy dress. It was also my friend's sister's birthday. Now, I have seen her sister since she became an adult but I have this tendency to forget that everybody ages along with me. When deciding on a gift I thought to myself "Wine? Or a diary with unicorns on it so she can write about the 8th grade." By the way... my brother is literally still 7. A child lawyer. A Doogie Howser if you will. Sidenote: my friend's sister is now in her 30's and after a great night out, the memory of her as a kid is long gone.

I showed up for dinner, broke a couple of ribs to accomodate and ate my weight in sarma and cake. Dear lord the woman can cook. I have such fond memories of going to my friend's place as a teenager and being made into foie gras. You can't say "no" to her. She's a pusher of food. Of amazing, delicious food. You know what? I'm still full. What was so great about the dinner was the laughter and the memories. Plus, I got to reconnect with someone I went to school with in Moscow. The world, it is small. After getting the diabetes, it was time to head to the bar.

Somehow, after a few glasses of wine, I turned into a one woman show. I acted like someone who never goes out and it was baaaad. So very very bad.

By the time we got to the bar, I was onto my second act. I was on fire. I was inappropriate. I cackled and passed out my blog business cards like crack to street kids. It was baaaaad. I also quickly graduated through my stages of laughter over and over again. There are four stages to my laughter. It starts out as a chuckle. Then it goes to a giggle with a bit of a snort at the end. Then, if I'm still amused, I go into a dry heave all Mutley style (the Wacky Races years) and then when I really can't hold it back, it turns into what is known as the dreaded Woody the Woodpecker. Dogs 3 blocks away can hear it. It is terrible. It is maniacal. And the whole time I was "on", a little voice in me yelled "STAHP TOVA! STAHP!" and yet... I could not stahp.

The night was too much fun and it was good to laugh. I was also so happy to meet up with another old friend I hadn't seen in a few years. He's not on Facebook much so I tried to catch him up with what was happening in my life:

Me: So, yeah, I'm still married and I had a kid!
Him: I know. I read your blog.
Me: You do?!? Wow! Awesome..

30 minutes later.

Me: So, like, we moved to the 4th district.
Him: I know, I read your blog.
Me: Oh yeah. Wow.

30 minutes later.

Me: So like, the Kid started a new daycare after being kicked out of the old one.
Him: I know, I read your blog.

I should probably pick and choose what I post lest I run out of things to tell people. Or actually, on second thought, based on my behaviour on Saturday night, I need to  NOT meet people I don't know. Ugh. The memory is re-surfacing. No more parties for Tova.

I got home just before 2 and slept the sleep of champions until I was woken up by the Kid at 7. Luckily I survived Sunday and now, well now it is Monday. My friend came by for a bit to see the Kid and so that we could have a quick catch-up since nobody was able to interrupt my "set" on Saturday. She lives in Barcelona and I am desperate to visit her. I told her that I have to convince the Husband that I can go away for a weekend to a land with men who make love by playing their guitars.

My friend said:
"Just tell him that they are all hairy!" to which I responded with "Have you not met my husband? He's half Armenian!" and she was like "Oh yeah." and then I said "Tell him that they are all poor artistic anarchists in Barcelona! Then he would know I wouldn't be interested!" Guys, I didn't choose the snob life, the snob life chose me.

So that was the weekend. It was a laugh a minute. I am shamed. And now, I really need to go to Barcelona because I have promised my friend I would visit for the past 4 years. Watch this space. Barcelona in April? Perhaps!

Thursday, 13 November 2014

All I Want for Christmas...

O.K. O.K. I know that it is too soon to talk about Christmas but you know what? We are about 6 weeks away and that is a little too close for comfort for me. I have a ton of gifts to purchase and glitter to glue to shit and I might be freaking out a little. I have shown extreme restraint by not decorating yet. I am waiting until the weekend before December 1st. Then all bets are off; it will look like an elf had his first innapropriate dirty thought in here. It is going to be amahzing.

I have a whole slew of films to start watching. This is my list: Elf, Home Alone 1 and 2, The Family Stone, Love, Actually, Scrooged, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (I literally giggle myself into an asthma attack when the squirrel scene happens), Jingle All the Way (what? Arnie is a national hero, shut it), White Christmas, Gremlins, The Santa Clause, The Santa Clause 2, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Fred Claus, anything from Lifetime starring Melissa Joan Hart and/or Tori Spelling.. Oh so much cheese! I can't wait. But I will save re-caps or another post. So, today, I will write my Christmas list because it makes it so much easier for the Husband to avoid a huge amount of pouting on my side when the big day rolls around. I'm not going to talk about Christmas 2005; there was a toy boat and a set of squash rackets involved. It wasn't a good night.

Now, I know that I won't get most of these gifts and some of them are a little outrageous, but hey, so am I. Let's take a walk in fantasy land and see what is on the list.

A nice sized day diary. The Husband actually gets me one every year and I love it. So here is hoping for another one!

Any Martha Stewart book. A dear friend bought me the Halloween Martha book years ago and I about lost my mind but now I feel like I need more. MORE MORE MORE! Actually... any type of cookbook/craft/fashion book makes me so happy.

A spa gift certificate from La Bonita Spa because I love that place and Mommy currently looks like a leper patient.

Bikram Yoga Loft gift certificate - because I need to go back.

A new and thicker yoga mat - preferably in pink. And if someone can create a glitter yoga mat, you win the world.

Anything workout related, socks, smoothie cups, sport bras that don't trap me (the other day, in the morning, after my shower, I attempted to put one on for pilates and I got stuck. I literally dislocated my shoulder trying to get it back off and after much grunting and scarring my child for life, I gave in and headed into the bedroom to wake the Husband to help me get out of the contraption. He was momentarily excited. I shut that shit down, fast. Stupid spandex)

Scented candles in lavender or vanilla or pleasing spices. Any kind. Love that stuff.

Anything sparkly. I'm a freaking mockingbird. Put crystals on anything and I will be yours forever.

Comfy leisure suits. When I am at work or out with the chance of bumping into someone I know, I dress up. But when I get home, I turn into a chubby Brett Michaels' groupie. I love to whip off anything without elastic and put on forgiving velour clothing. I don't care what I look like as long as I can take a deep breath without snapping open my industrial-strength bra and blinding an innocent child.

And so far, that is about it for my list. No doubt I will spend the next couple of weeks on Pinterest, finding more crap to want... because... that is how I roll. And I should probably register for a juicer, a panini grill, a jewellery kit, a new laptop, a turban winter hat, a Snuggie with pockets... oh man... Need to make another list and perhaps think about my selfish life choices.


Tova's Life Rules

I've done a lot of growing up this past year. Sure, having a kid about 3 and a half years ago was a bit of an adult insta pack but it really wasn't until last Thanksgiving that I realized it was time to make some changes in my life. Nothing over the top, mind you. I still continue to lose that same kerblasted 20 pounds. But I have definitely grown in certain aspects of my life and I have come up with some life rules that I try to live by. They have made me a happier person... for the most part. I also reserve the right to change and edit them at anytime. So here we go, Tova's Life Rules:

1. Success takes a lot of work. Nobody is an overnight success from luck alone. Any and every person who has enjoyed some modicum of success has worked their tuckus off for it As much as I want to punch myself in the throat and mourn society as a whole for liking these people, I have come to the conclusion that as soul-sucking as the Kardashian Klan is, they do work hard. Sure, it may seem that they just show up for photo shoots, are oiled up and placed in couture but based on the most recent Kim Kardashian photos to hit the Interwebz, you can't help but acknowledge the excruciating wax job she had to have had. No pain, no gain. Anyway, all I'm saying is that if you want to be successful, you have to work hard each and everyday.

2. Be nice. I've talked about this before but it is a very important thing. Be nice! People will remember kindness and sure, there will always be people who don't like you but you can try and prevent more people not liking you by being a good person. Ask people questions when you meet them. Show an interest in their lives. And compliment people once in a while. It won't hurt. In fact, what you give out will come back to you.

3. Don't dye shit in your tub.

4. Stop being a people pleaser and try and please yourself. But still be nice. Very important.

5. Be on time. For the love of God! This should not be so hard. When you are perpetually late, you are sending a message that the other person's time is not as valuable as your own. It's not nice.

6. Realize that life is not black and white. There is a lot of gray.


7. Go ahead and judge people. That's human nature. Nobody's a saint. But do not judge people for their economic status, lack or choice of education, or physical traits. Judge them for bad life choices instead.

8. Show gratitude. Do IT! Be grateful for what you have. Even if you just take a few minutes a day to be grateful for the things in your life, you will be a much more content person. Also, if someone helps you out, tell that person "thank you". BE GRATEFUL!

9. Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself. It happens. I can get hurt by actions and comments but most of the time, it is just playing on my own personal insecurities. Rise above it. Only you can hurt you. Sidenote: just this week I was hurt by a comment/situation that seemed to question my intelligence and capabilities. I went home and blubbered to the Husband "Do you think I am dumb?" to which he answered "Of course not dear. Take off your top." Boy, was there yelling.

10. Jealousy and thoughts of revenge will get you nowhere. Get the motivation from within. It is only natural to feel jealous of others. Especially when we live in the digital age and everybody self-edits. But I can assure you that you are only seeing a small part of their lives. Everybody has a dip-french-fries-in-a-chocolate-shake day. Also, revenge might be sweet for a moment or two, and might even help you fall asleep at night, but eventually that will wear off. Do it for yourself. Currently retiring my "blacklist" of names. It is so hard. But it is possible. Lucky you, cashier lady at Spar Gourmet.

11. Only use the terms "slut" and "whore" ironically. No woman should be slut shamed ever. It doesn't matter what she is wearing. If you must know, I am wearing flannel pj's, a fake fur hat and the Husband's army socks and I am rocking the look.

12. Push yourself to do something that initially makes you uncomfortable. This year I was pushed into Bikram and I ended up loving it (miss it, need to start going again), into Pilates (I don't like group activities) and started learning French again. All of these involve other people seeing me at my worst and it is actually kind of liberating. And yes, I am still uncomfortable in all of the above situations but I am definitely a little bit proud of myself for giving them the old college try. Need to come up with something for 2015. Talk to me, give me some ideas for next year. I will not do anything that requires a bikini wax, however.

So those are pretty much my life rules for now. I have so many more. And so many I end up ignoring. But the 12 above are pretty much my go-to rules for life. This has been a growing year and I hope I can keep developing. And maybe, just maybe, lose those damn 20 pounds.