Lovely Lady Locks- fixing them

My hair. I am so sorry. I’ve treated you horrendously and it is only going to get worse. Much much worse. I have had every colour under the sun and it all started with a stupid henna rinse I tried when I was about 16. My mother loved the result and for the next year or two I would go to the Body Shop and purchase their hippie loving stink ass patchouli compost henna dye. It was the only product I was allowed to use to dye my hair. Oh the horror. In the laundry room in the basement I would mix a tub of this green gag inducing stuff and mix it with boiling water. I am not known for my patience so I would not wait long enough and therefore slap that boiling crap onto my head and swear in pain telling myself “it is worth it. It is worth it.”. And then I’d stand there with my head steaming and smelling like a farm (edit: a farm in HELL) and wait 45 minutes. Then I would wash that crap out and watch it plonk onto the tub flour. After at least 30 minutes of rinsing I would be good to go and my hair would look only slightly redbrown. Oh, Lóreal, thank you for coming into my life.

When I went to college I really went nutso with the dye and miracle of miracle my hair didn’t fall out. I have the unfortunate problem of watching a character and becoming so enamoured with their hair colour that I somehow convince myself I too could look awesome in that colour. I hate you Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. I hate you Scully. I even hate you Drew Barrymore in Charlie’s Angels. I have a problem (but this is already clear as you will have realised) I continued this trend of insanity right up to pregnancy. I stopped for the 9 months - and I would like to say because of my concern for my unborn child but who am I kidding - because what was the point anyway. I was fat, I was miserable and I was too slow to catch my husband and sit on him because he forgot to get me my Twix. But once the child was out and he no longer required my services I was hitting the bottle again. Both types, actually.

 In the year or so since I started dying it again, I’ve been bad yellow streaky blonde, red for a day, super dark brown, streaked light red, splotchy blonde and now I have arrived at mousy blonde brown (also splotchy). Before I can go forth and get all blonde up in here I need to seriously woo my hair. Make it feel special, buy it flowers, make love to it tenderly with the TV turned down low. So what’s a girl to do?

I’ve researched and I have spent tons of money on products (cheap ones, I ain’t rich, kids) and still have yet to find the cure. And yet, once again I was sucked into buying something today that called to me. It was the name. Almost siren-like. “Hair Mayonnaise”. I’m trying it tonight. You take a gob of it. Spread it through your hair. Put on a shower cap and blow dry it for 15 minutes and then rinse it out. If this stuff works I will apologize for ever saying that all Bruce’s wear grey pants. What’s really in a name? Stay tuned for the update.