Tova's Guide to Being a Good Woman in 2015

I've been planning on writing this post for a very very long time. I find I get all riled up with fantastic conversations with other fabulous women and I start thinking "Rah rah I am woman, hear me roar!" and I want to sit down and write paragraph after paragraph about inequalities, injustices and the fact that even in 2015, we are still fighting for women's rights. And sure, there have been great strides in initiatives like gender equality and women having the right to wear pants. But as a society? Sexist as hell. And we can't always blame it on men as easy as that may be. We as women are our own worst enemies. Now I am not saying that I am not guilty. I too have fallen into the trap but as I get older, I realize that I am able to make small changes in myself. Now, sure, I have judged and I still judge. But thoughts are not things. What is a thing is supporting the women in our lives; celebrating their successes, grieving their losses and just being there for them when you can. So here are a few scenarios that occur all.the.time that I believe can hurt us as women. And how we can help solidify the "sisterhood".

Scenario: Mary has a three year old. She feels like her family is complete. She has no desire to have more children.
Don't say: When are you going to give little Toby a brother or sister?
What to say: Looks like Toby is chewing on a live wire, I'll take that away. Would you like another glass of wine?
The moral of the story? I'm pretty sure that Mary knows that she has one child. There could be a million reasons why Mary has just one child. You are not in charge of Mary's family planning. Your comment could be incredibly offensive or hurtful. Leave it. Not your business.

Scenario: Jane is single. Jane is 38. Jane does not have any children. She may or may not want children.
Don't say: You gotta have a baby. When are you going to get mawwied?
What to say: Jane, you did such an awesome job on that marketing campaign/ flipping off that taxi driver/ completing the tile in the bathroom. Would you like another glass of wine?
The moral of the story? Shut up. Just do. Getting married and/or having kids is not the only thing there is in life. And it is OUR personal choice to do what we want with our lives. That right there is feminism my friends - choice.

Scenario: Shauna the celebrity has not lost all the baby weight and was photographed in a bikini and the Internet has exploded.
Don't say: Boy, the media is at fault for body shaming.
What to say: I am the media! I can change this by not clicking on the link. (I still struggle with this. I really do). I can change the media because the media caters to me and what I want to see! Would you like another glass of wine?
The moral of the story? Stop blaming the media. They are a business. They take pictures and write articles to cater to the public (us). Pretty sure that Gary the paparazzi guy could not care less that Kim Kardashian has swollen ankles but he knows that WE CARE! If we want to stop body shaming, we need to stop buying what they are selling... just as soon as I found out if Kim K. is faking her pregnancy! Then onwards and upwards towards boycotting!

Scenario: Jessica is a stay at home mom/working mom/married stay at home mom with live in nannies/working mom with an au pair.
Don't say: Must be nice not having to leave the house and be able to watch TV all day/ you must feel so guilty leaving your child everyday/ what do you do with all your free time/ so you pay a stranger to raise your child
What to say: You're a good mom. Would you like another glass of wine?
The moral of the story: Life is about perspective. When Gisele Buendchen posted that picture of herself breastfeeding and getting her nails and hair done, she used the hashtag: multitasking. Then savvy and funny Internet moms started posting hilarious pictures of themselves brushing their teeth, with curlers in their hair while holding a baby #multitasking. I snorted and shook my fist cursing supermodels. But actually, it is all about perspective. Life is tough no matter where you are and what you do. I have an amazing life and I am so grateful for it but I also have struggles and I also wish for many many things. So don't judge a book by its cover...everybody has their own story. If they have help at home or not or work full time or not...pretty sure they are all GOOD MOMS. Well, besides Kris Jenner (Gah. I am so judgey.)

I'm not saying one has to be full of light and never have a negative thought... that is for saintly people and Elmo. There is nothing wrong about venting to a close friend or a confidante - that is human nature. I don't believe that being nice to people is a "kissing-ass" move. I also hate the term "Just keeping it real" in that it seems to justify people's "meanness". There is nothing "real" about being mean. Be an adult, be polite and I dare you to not find one positive thing about someone you know. It is possible. My parents say that my sister was such an ugly baby that when people would come up to get a closer look, they would twitch a little and then say "She has such great eyebrows!" and she still does. She really does. And she is gorgeous now. Sorry Tonya for telling that story. So think of the ugly baby next time you are about to say something mean and give a compliment instead. It won't kill you and who knows, you might just make somebody's day. I need compliments too so while you are doling them out, you can say something nice about me too. Thanks.

So those are some of my guidelines to being a good woman. Support your friends and support other women. The end. Would you like another glass of wine?