Operation Tubetop

Buh bye you terrible month. You brought me pain and frustration and stress and I don't like you. Go now, go be with your own kind. Git! Shoo! Hi there December. You are looking great! I am so ready to get it on with you. I'll put on a little Marvin Gaye and light the fire and prep the fondue. Come join me on this bearskin rug. So yesterday was actually incredible. We really need this weekend as a family and yesterday was just as close to Hallmark perfection as Tori Spelling in a film about Santa...starring William Shatner. True story. And I was having a spectacular hair day. In the morning I did the laundry, cleaned a little and then decided to make cookies. I usually don't involve the Kid because I get twitchy with lack of perfection (I've improved). So the Kid comes over, sees what I am doing, yells "COOKIES!" and then pulls over the footstool and grabs the rolling pin. Jerk shoos me out of the way and gets to rolling. I can respect that. Seeing him so i...

Well, what an uneventful week. Ha. Ha. What a week! Worst week ever. Terrible week... but you know what? It is Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I had an incredible evening with the Kid. He fell asleep the minute I put him to bed. It might have been due to the 20 minute tickle attack. Oh how he laughed. He slept through the night. So did I - the wine helped. I got up at 5 and then read some more amazing messages from good people and then made my way to the gym. I was a little tired so I only stuck to the bike and read some Jen Lancaster and snorted to myself and let the Zweigelt leave my body through sweat. Pleasant visual there. You are welcome. After my 30 minute workout, I went home and showered and then woke the Kid up. Well, our Christmas bear Stan woke the Kid up. Long story. Then we played with his trains and I got him dressed and then said to the Husband "I assume you will be taking him to daycare?" to which the Husband said "I thought it was your...

Hey guys. Lemme give you a timeline of the last day or two.. Wednesday morning: Drop the Kid off and am told that they might kick him out because his last temper tantrum was too insane. I stand there, while handing off my kid and I try to keep my shit together. Then the woman goes on to say that the Kid is lovely but there is something very wrong with him. I kiss the Kid good bye and walk out and proceed to call the Husband, crying. Then I go home and search desperately for another daycare. I find a Montessori one and am like "yes!". The woman writes me back within a couple of hours and she is awesome and over the interwebs, I immediately feel I have met a kindred spirit. Wednesday afternoon: A speech therapist comes over and I can't be there, but the Husband is there with the Kid (I may or may not have yelled in the morning "Offer her some goddamn coffee!"). So, she shows up and I'm at work and I'm like a high squirrel, wondering what the hell is ha...

Monday I had to start work at 12. It actually was a blessing in disguise. I got to clean up the apartment and unpack and kill whatever was living under the couch. After dropping off the Kid, I ran around non-stop for 3 hours. It was like a sequel to Run Lola Run - The Housewife Challenge . I was schwitzing. But the place was gleaming and off to work I went. Yesterday was a normal workday and I even had time for a quick glass of wine at our local cafe before heading home and spending time with the Kid. He is now obsessed with the Donald Duck episode on Mickey's Christmas. He literally falls to the ground in hysterics. I can't help but keep playing it because there is nothing quite like hearing a belly laugh from your kid. After dinner and a bath, we threw him into bed and the Husband and I sat down and ate and talked and it was nice. This morning I hit the gym again! Atta girl! Dropped the Kid off at daycare and then ran to the shops to get stuff. Then I put away laundry and c...

O.K. y'all know I am Jewish. A bad Jew, but still Jewish. I love Christmas and Vicks Vapo Rub, but the Jew blood still runs strong. I love bacon and I've only been to temple a few times but yes, yes, I am still a Jew. With a name like "Tova" I often bump into fellow Jews and their eyebrows rise and before they can say "marry my son", I have to interject and say "no, no... I'm a bad Jew!". Growing up we celebrated all the high holidays and we sang the prayers and lit the candles and ate amahzing matzoh ball soup. Passover was always a blast. We would set out a cup of wine for Elijah and us kids would be sent out of the room to find crap and the cup of wine would magically be consumed. And my father would be like "Jeez, the guy needs more wine!" and my mom would be like "I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR THAT DAMN GHOST!" and then a few minutes later she would say "He needs more wine". It was always a fun holiday and...

Oh Sweet Mother of Mary! Christmas is like 4 weeks away. I have gotten the majority of my shopping done but there is still some to do and I need to send out my Christmas letters - just waiting for the Husband to be back at work so he can print them out (Monday, come on Monday!). He also needs to be able to access his emails so he can order the bazillion things I want for Christmas. BAZILLION THINGS! So anyway, we are at the end of November and we are already getting snow flurries. I did not move to Central Europe for snow before Christmas. Weather-wise, Vienna ain't too bad... Well, except for the sunless winters. Every November, the city turns grey and there is rarely a sunny day. It gets light at 7 a.m. and gets dark at 4:30 p.m. and I know, I know, the Norwegians are all like "Bitch, please." But still, it is a very dark and miserable time. I kind of imagine the sun having a French accent and looking down at us at the end of October and taking a long, strong drag of ...

I had such a great 3 days with my parents in Berlin. I relaxed (read: acted like I was in a coma). I ate too much and received incredible presents from my Mommio. It was nice to have some parent time and pretend that I am the favourite. The weekend flew by and now I am back home and staring at an explosion of hot wheels and baked goods. The Mother in Law was over on Saturday and bought enough chocolate croissants to give the Kid type 2 diabetes three times over. Meh, at least the Kid is alive and well... maybe I should get him checked for scurvy. I am about to head to the gym this morning. I feel like I need to spend the next 4.5 weeks de-toxing until Christmas. Gym visits and light eating are the name of the game! Ugh. Today I don't have to start work until noon due to shift work which actually works out perfectly - that gives me time to call in bacterial specialists in hazmat suits to spray this place down... I'm joking, it isn't that bad...except for the life form on t...

Our freezer needs to be defrosted... but besides that fact, every couple of months I do "freezer night". Freezer night is pretty much a momentous night of cooking whatever the hell is in our freezer. And since I am off to Berlin early in the morning, I decided to clear out the freezer. Tonight's gourmet meal was: Two beef patties Fries Chinese dumplings Bagels A selection of condiments I feel a little stuffed right now. And a little gross. English and German version. Currently the Husband and I are watching the new Dallas and feeling a little old. My bags are packed and the taxi is booked. Slowly it is time to head to bed and enjoy a sleepless night because I get all stressed the night before I fly. Ever since I met the Husband, I don't like flying. I am happy, ergo I feel that I want to live. And, I know some pilots and that don't put a lot of confidence into me. I know I will be fine. I know I will have a great weekend with my folks, I just want to get ...

Listen, it's hard to keep the magic in a marriage. I know. It gets even harder as the years go by and things like kids get added to the mix. Money seems tighter and sleep seems to be the more important activity after a long day of working and wrangling a kid. My days start at 5:20 and kind of go like this: 5:20- wake up, drink coffee and read gossip sites and write my blog with one eye open 5:55- head to the gym 6:35- back from the gym and quick shower 6:35-7:45- applying make up, getting dressed, getting the Kid dressed, running around making sure his crap is all packed up, feeding the Kid. 7:45-8:30- daycare run or straight to work 8:30-5:00- work 5:00-6:00- grocery shopping and if I am feeling entitled, a quick glass of wine at the cafe across the street 6:00-7:30- feed the Kid dinner, give him a bath (the Husband usually comes home around 6:45), read a book, watch cartoons with Kid and then throw him into his crib 7:30-7:40- nobody is allowed to talk to me 7:40-8:00-...

So I wrote some tips yesterday on how to be a great gift giver and now here are some ideas for Christmas this year for certain types of peeps. The Surly Teenager : If you aren't the parent, but close to a teenager in your life (legally and above board please. Doug Hutchison, I'm looking at you), you may be scratching your head as to what to get this ungrateful child. First ask the parental units, and then go from there. Nowadays the kids are all about the instagramming and inappropriate selfies and the Facebooking. So, technology-based gifts are always a good idea... However, maybe set up an evening out with the angry child. A teenage girl? A book reading or jazz night at a cafe or a mani and pedi (know your audience). A teenage boy? Paint ball or go-karting. I think in this day and age, we spend so much time plugged in that we miss out on actual experiences. I can guarantee that if you treat a teenager like a somewhat adult for the evening, the teenager will always remember ...

Giving great gifts is my thing. I'm not being vain, I just like to think of myself as the Gift Whisperer. I spend a lot of time thinking and planning for the perfect gift. And I want everybody to be a good gift giver because it's a nice thing to be. Because my number one love language is GIFTS! (last one is physical touch. Hate being touched), I show my affection through gifts. That whole saying "Just be grateful for anything you get" is true, but I'm going to be a little confused if someone buys me sweater with a cat on it... Like this. Obviously, you don't care one bit for me. Oh sweet jeebus... To make your Christmas a simpler, happier time, I'm here to give you some tips as to how to give the perfect gift. A juicer and a gym membership?!?! What are you saying?!? Rule #1: Listen. Listen to your friends, your loved ones, your manicurist. Let your ears perk up when they say the word "love". That is your first hint. However, be carefu...

Yay! I get to go back to work. I actually like going to work; decent job, great co-workers and it gives me the sense that I'm getting stuff done. I'm glad I'm almost better and I have four days of work until I head to Berlin. Yesterday, besides the wreath disaster of 2013, I ended up wrapping presents for my sister, her husband and my nephew and nieces. They live in Canada and I want to send the gifts this week so that they get there in time. And this year I'm not asking my brother to bring them back to Canada. I'm not going to mention the security issues I caused for my father and my brother. An electronic pepper grinder apparently looks like a pipe bomb and a creme brulee set screams SAFETY HAZARD! Whatevs. I'm sending clothes this year. Obnoxious Tova Tip for Christmas: Sending gifts abroad? Send them this week! I also started on some Christmas cards. Christmas cards that I send to relatives that don't know about my sick and twisted humour. The Christ...

About 5 years ago I made a Christmas wreath. I had been to Butler's and had seen an awesome wreath made out of Christmas balls and was like "You, I want you on my door!" but then I saw the price and laughed and laughed. So, thinking I was smarter than the average bear, I decided to make one myself. I bought a styrofoam wreath and about 2 dozen balls and heated up my glue gun. I started gluing and quickly realized that I would have to purchase a lot more balls and that glue gun burns are the worst burns of them all. After calculating all I spent on the balls and the skin grafts, I realized I could have purchased the gorgeous wreath at Butler's for about the same price but now it was too late and I had to suck it up and be like "home-made is so much better". and you know what? Not all the time. Anyway, when I made the wreath, our living room colour scheme was 70's red, orange and brown. I liked it for a couple of years but then after having the Kid, I st...

I've been sick... waaah. Pity party. As I have mentioned a billion times, I hate being sick because I feel lazy. I feel like there are so many things I should be doing and it ticks me off. Wednesday afternoon my lip started throbbing and that told me a cold sore was coming. Then my throat started to hurt and I knew a cold was coming. And then Wednesday in the middle of the night, my stomach started doing the Macarena and I knew a flu was coming. In the morning when I got up, the Husband looked at me and physically flinched. Thanks, guy. Why don't you stay out of the toilet for a little while. It's like Amityville Horror . And then I waved the white flag and took the day off. When you have a kid, being sick can't happen. Thank God for daycare. The Husband had an early meeting so I had to take the Kid. We made it, I dropped him off, I stopped at the grocery store, bought food and threw a bunch of ingredients into the crockpot and made Tom Kha Gai soup. Then I passed out. ...

As I mentioned the other day, I'm back on the low carb wagon. I want to feel a little less bloated. All bets are off when I go to Berlin, though. And then, when I get back, I'm back on it again until Christmas. Day 4 is the magic day when you are low carbing. The first 3 days are the hardest but once you get through that, you feel awesome. I have actually been to the gym three times this week (I'm expecting a slow clap from you all). And so far I've completed two daycare drop offs... in heels, uphill both ways. I'm getting my strongs back. Anyway, this evening a friend and I are getting mani/pedis. In North America, this is a common occurrence... in Austria... not so much. Pedicures are considered medical procedures so they cost an arm and a foot (ahahahah! I'm here all night, folks). However, when my friend and I were walking in the center a few weeks ago, we saw a new nail place and it looked AMAHZING! A row of really big pedicure chairs and nice lighting an...

It's a Germanic/Austrian Catholic thing. Every November there is the lantern festival. I remember this from my childhood in Germany and it was awesome. We were given paper lanterns that we had designed and inside was a tea light. Let that sink in for a minute.... Paper, fire, child. Yup. How I did not burst into a fireball is quite incredible...but anyway. Last year the daycare hosted a lantern festival and the Husband and I were like "well, yes, we will attend!". We showed up and there were kids and parents and we were so excited and our kid was all like "Mother, father, daycare? My mind is blown!" and then he ran out of the room to show us how the bathroom light switch worked. Apparently, well. Finally we got him back into the room and the festivities started. His name was called and we pushed him forward and he received his lantern that he had worked on. I don't believe that he was the actual artist because his use of colour was clashy clashy. I also note...

Today is Remembrance Day and I really wish I had a poppy to wear. It is an important day for Canadians (the British too). It is a day to honour our soldiers and to remember all the personal sacrifices our armed forces have made. I may be a pacifist but I am firm supporter of our troops. I cannot even imagine what the men and women who serve go through daily and what their family must endure. My thoughts are with them all and I truly wish we lived in a world where parents and kids and spouses did not have to be separated due to conflict. I take it for granted that I can spend every day with the people I love. That I enjoy rights and freedoms and that I can be a Jewess living in Vienna. And so, I say, please honour our troops on this day and remember the incredible sacrifices they have made. Their bravery inspires me. Lest We Forget ... And on an entirely different note, today I am going to talk about how to make your Christmas so stress-free you will wish you could keep the holly u...

Yesterday I sent the Husband off to a hotel so that he could get a good night's sleep. I am heading to Berlin to see my parental units on my own in a couple of weeks and felt a little guilty that he would be alone with the Kid for 2 nights. I feel like we're even now. The afternoon with the Kid was awesome. We played and watched a DVD. Thanks to a friend's suggestion, I had bought Mickey's Christmas . I popped the DVD in and was happy to see the Kid seemed to enjoy it. The "film" is broken into 3 parts. The first part features Donald Duck and his three nephews. The plot is Groundhog Day-esque. All I can say is that Daisy Duck needs to tone it down a little. He hasn't put a ring on it, Daisy. Let him chase you. The second part was about Goofy and his son. Goofy has a son? He's a single dad and I couldn't help but feel absolutely terrible thinking that Goofy is probably a widow. I had images of him at the funeral holding his newborn child and it ...

HELLOOOO FRIDAY! I am so excited that this week is coming to an end. It was a difficult week but at least I got to sign my contract and maybe some of the extreme angst I have will lift. The problem is is that I internalize stress and anger and hurt and then I eat and then I get the sads and then I eat and then I get the fats and then I am sad again. But hopefully, things will start to look up because it is about damn time. And I have a feeling things will. So end of week stats: Gym visits: 3 Daycare runs: 3 Compliments on new hair style: 5 Calories consumed: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't type the numbers through all the self-hating sobbing Number of times I thought to myself how lucky I am to have an incredible child: Too many to count Number of times I kicked the Husband to give the Kid milk at 4:30 in the morning: 5 (and apparently if I repeat "It is 4:30" three times while kicking the Husband, I will make him angry) Ripped crotch in pants: 1 Blood tests:...

I believe in doctors. I think doctors are great. But you know what? They scare the bejeebus out of me. And this is not a recent thing, this started when I was 5. We lived in Germany and for some reason, the doctor was a sadist. Every.single.time I went there she would give me a blood test. Her reason? I had thin hair. Well, excuuuuuuse me for not knowing about volumizing mousse back then. I would kick and scream before going and my mother would always say "Trust me, there won't be a blood test this time." You lie, woman! LIES! At least I always got a great new My Little Pony at the end. I'm easily bought. I hated that doctor. Then, while still living in Germany, when I was about 7, I started getting tons of little bumps on my chest. We went to a doctor and the doctor was like "oh yeah, we'll just slice those bad boys off." So a few days later we headed to another office and I had to lie down in an operating room and they applied disinfectant and then w...

I've been working on this the last couple of days and I finally finished! On Halloween it was so great to see pictures of my nieces and nephew going trick or treating and seeing all my friend's kids on Facebook all dressed up. I tried to get a damn pirate hat on the Kid and he almost cut me. It makes me a little sad that the Kid won't grow up with annual trick or treating and sometimes it makes me sad we don't have a house with a yard so that on days that he is scaling walls I can just toss him outside with a ball and some provisions. There are definite advantages to living in North America but before I get all the sads back, I thought I would write out a list of pros and cons of living in this incredible city. Pro: The public transportation. I can get anywhere in the city within 30 minutes. It is amazing! There are 5 subway lines that take you West to East, North to South and back again. Then there are trams and buses. The price for a yearly ticket is laughable and...

Life Lesson 1: When you buy a black bathmat cause it is "sooo Halloweeny", try not to purchase a cheapy one. And if you purchase a cheapy one, wash it alone. Do not put your pale blue pjs in the wash with the cheapy bathmat. Because, in the evening, while wearing your freshly clean pjs, you will look down and think you have an infestation of fleas and you will take off your pjs so fast that your husband will mistake your fear for lust. Random Thoughts 1: Dude, if you have been waiting for 5 minutes for the gym to open, maybe that would be a good time to get your gym card out and at the ready. Standing behind you for 2 minutes while you search for your card after the gym is open is stupid. And you will be the receiver of my death looks. And, if you paid attention, you will see that I have my gym card at the ready in my hand. Get it together. Random Thoughts 2: Dear other members of the gym standing outside waiting for it to open. Yes my gym bag is the same colour as the g...

So, it was a rainy, miserable morning. I actually did go to the gym, again, this morning. Thank you, thank you. Deep bow. I also took the Kid to daycare. I had to bribe him with a new toy car to get him to put on his raincoat. Say what you want but sometimes bribery is the only way to get him to do something. I wore my adorable rain boots and paired them with my not-so-adorable yellow rain jacket. You know, the one I mentioned a couple of months ago that makes me look like a deranged serial killer? Yeah, that one. It is an authentic raincoat so if you are doing anything physical, besides fishing for king crab in Alaska, you turn into a one woman steam room. The hood is also too large so I probably looked like Captain Igloo on the school run. After dropping the Kid off, I hustled to work, sweating and puffing under my yellow plastic garbage bag prison. THIS WAS NOT WHAT I WANTED WHEN I ORDERED IT! Last night I gave the Husband a surprise. No, not that you pervs, I'm married and la...