The Barber of Seville - As told by Tova
I feel so incredibly lucky to have had another chance to see another opera just a few weeks later. Spoiled, I am. I went last night to see the Barber of Seville with the Barber's wife. The Barber was David Pershall and he was fantabulous once again! I have seen the Barber of Seville but not since I wore Jordache jeans and thought I was just as cool as Brenda Walsh, but you know what... I was never as cool as Brenda Walsh. Her boyfriend had a beach house for crying out loud. And I am sorry but what 16 year old would be able to maintain a house and vintage car on their own? I'm 34 and I sometimes use my sock clad feet to clean up spills on the floor. Not possible that his place wouldn't be shut down by the department of sanitation. Cough.
Anyway, last night was once again a treat and I was so enraptured that I didn't even have to mainline the 6 coffees I had during Eurovision rehearsals. The coffee is free, y'all, I will take full advantage of this. Now class is in session and it is time for my interpretation of Rossini's Barber of Seville.
Setting: Seville in the 18th century. Quick note before I start... because of this opera, I was convinced Seville was in Italy. They sing in Italian, their names are Italian... how was I supposed to know that Seville was in Spain?! God, that was an embarrassing conversation. Anyway, the curtain opens and we are outside a house on a street in Seville. A young man has gathered musicians to serenade the beautiful Rosina... yeah, everybody looks great at sunrise. Try 8 a.m. after a 4 year old has headbutted you repeatedly. Count Almaviva is wooing the fair and beautiful Rosina but he wants to see if she will love him for who he is so he pretends to be a poor student named Lindoro . Rosina is obviously not Jewish because not once does she ask "A medical student?"
Rosina lives with the doctor, Dr. Bartolo. He is her guardian and he is waiting until she is of age so that he can inherit her money. Nowadays we call this "grooming" but whatever, opera! I also have to wonder about her parents' critical thinking skills when coming up with a guardian: "So, there's your sister Mabel with the big house and the garden and she is near good schools or... there's that creepy bachelor down the street. Shall we flip for it? Heads: Mabel, tails: predator?" Rosina, who has been living with Jerry Lee Lewis for the past couple of years, is enamored with the poor (please be medical) student who is actually a count and this is kind of the reversed version of that amazing reality show "Joe Millionaire". They need to come up with a plan to be together and this is when the barber Figaro shows up. Figaro knows the Count and comes up with a plan to get him inside the house. His plan is that the Count should act like a drunken soldier who has orders to get lodging at the doctor's house. Why... how brilliant!
Meanwhile, the Doctor invites the music teacher into the house and they talk about the Count. The Doctor has heard that the Count is interested in his future payload, Rosina. The diabolical music teacher suggests that they start a nasty rumor about the Count because that worked with the whole gerbil and Richard Gere thing. After the whole rumor spreading idea, the Dr. and the music teacher head out for some skim lattes and Rosina and Figaro have a little talk and Figaro asks her to write a letter to the Count (who she thinks is a poor student. Medical student perhaps?) After this the Count disguised as a poor student is now disguised as a drunk soldier and shows up at the house. He reveals his disguise to Rosina and passes her a letter but the Dr. sees the letter and demands to see it because he is creepy as fuck. She carefully switches the letter and passes him her laundry list. Da hell is a laundry list? You know what my laundry list says... "Do Laundry". The Count/Student/Drunk soldier gets into a fight with the Dr. over whether the first Vivian Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel Air was better than the second one and it quickly turns into a 1700's version of Cops. The Count/Student/Drunk Soldier is able to name drop his own real name quietly and he is released. The Dr. is like "say what?" and they all sing. End of first act. Time for some bubbly.
We are back at the house and the Count/Student/Drunk Soldier is in a new disguise as an assistant to the music teacher (you know the music teacher with the rumor spreading idea) and convinces the Dr. that he is on his side because he has a letter written by Rosina and that the Student is actually the Count's lackey to try and get women for the Count for a little somethin somethin. This is a confusing opera, ok? The Dr. allows for the Count/Student/Drunk Solder/Music Assistant to teach Rosina and then Figaro comes by to help out. He is not just a barber, he's a wingman too. He starts to shave the Dr. but the original music teacher shows up and he has to be bribed by the Count to pretend that he is sick and he ends up leaving. The shaving starts again but the Dr. overhears the lovers conspiring and throws Figaro and the Count/Student/Drunk Soldier/Music Assistant out and decides that he will marry Rosina that very night.
Figaro and the Count/etc./etc. get a ladder and climb up to Rosina who has been told that the Student she is in love with is just the lackey for the Count and now believes that she has been set up in some kind of human trafficking ring and says she will marry the Dr. and tries to reject the Count/etc./etc.'s professions of love. She still thinks he is a poor student who takes cosplay very very seriously. He admits that he is actually the Count and not a poor student and she rejoices in the knowledge that she doesn't have to shop at WalMart and clip coupons and be bitter as she supports his ass through medical school only for him to leave her when he meets a Dr. Kimberly Shaw who happens to be batshit crazy and blows up the apartment building on Melrose. She can be a real fancy lady and get microdermabrasion and shop at Trader Joe's.
I wish feminism existed back then because somebody would have told Rosina that she has a lot of money and if girlfriend wants a condo with a sea view, girlfriend can have one. And highlights, too. The notary shows up and the Count and Rosina are quickly wed. The Dr. arrives too late and is pretty pissed about missing out on getting married and getting her money but the Count offers her money to him and that appeases him. Again, girlfriend, get a tax consultant. Take your money and invest it in some real estate and property development. You are not chattel but whatever. Everybody is happy and in love and Figaro has saved the day and probably has some pissed off customers waiting at his shop for an appointment while he was off helping people out and he is going to get a terrible customer review rating on Yelp until someone makes a Youtube video about his kind kind heart and it goes viral and there is a fundraiser and he gets a lot of money and business booms. And that my friends is the Barber of Seville. So much more upbeat than Madame Butterfly. No ugly crying last night for me. Class dismissed.
Anyway, last night was once again a treat and I was so enraptured that I didn't even have to mainline the 6 coffees I had during Eurovision rehearsals. The coffee is free, y'all, I will take full advantage of this. Now class is in session and it is time for my interpretation of Rossini's Barber of Seville.
Setting: Seville in the 18th century. Quick note before I start... because of this opera, I was convinced Seville was in Italy. They sing in Italian, their names are Italian... how was I supposed to know that Seville was in Spain?! God, that was an embarrassing conversation. Anyway, the curtain opens and we are outside a house on a street in Seville. A young man has gathered musicians to serenade the beautiful Rosina... yeah, everybody looks great at sunrise. Try 8 a.m. after a 4 year old has headbutted you repeatedly. Count Almaviva is wooing the fair and beautiful Rosina but he wants to see if she will love him for who he is so he pretends to be a poor student named Lindoro . Rosina is obviously not Jewish because not once does she ask "A medical student?"
Rosina lives with the doctor, Dr. Bartolo. He is her guardian and he is waiting until she is of age so that he can inherit her money. Nowadays we call this "grooming" but whatever, opera! I also have to wonder about her parents' critical thinking skills when coming up with a guardian: "So, there's your sister Mabel with the big house and the garden and she is near good schools or... there's that creepy bachelor down the street. Shall we flip for it? Heads: Mabel, tails: predator?" Rosina, who has been living with Jerry Lee Lewis for the past couple of years, is enamored with the poor (please be medical) student who is actually a count and this is kind of the reversed version of that amazing reality show "Joe Millionaire". They need to come up with a plan to be together and this is when the barber Figaro shows up. Figaro knows the Count and comes up with a plan to get him inside the house. His plan is that the Count should act like a drunken soldier who has orders to get lodging at the doctor's house. Why... how brilliant!
Meanwhile, the Doctor invites the music teacher into the house and they talk about the Count. The Doctor has heard that the Count is interested in his future payload, Rosina. The diabolical music teacher suggests that they start a nasty rumor about the Count because that worked with the whole gerbil and Richard Gere thing. After the whole rumor spreading idea, the Dr. and the music teacher head out for some skim lattes and Rosina and Figaro have a little talk and Figaro asks her to write a letter to the Count (who she thinks is a poor student. Medical student perhaps?) After this the Count disguised as a poor student is now disguised as a drunk soldier and shows up at the house. He reveals his disguise to Rosina and passes her a letter but the Dr. sees the letter and demands to see it because he is creepy as fuck. She carefully switches the letter and passes him her laundry list. Da hell is a laundry list? You know what my laundry list says... "Do Laundry". The Count/Student/Drunk soldier gets into a fight with the Dr. over whether the first Vivian Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel Air was better than the second one and it quickly turns into a 1700's version of Cops. The Count/Student/Drunk Soldier is able to name drop his own real name quietly and he is released. The Dr. is like "say what?" and they all sing. End of first act. Time for some bubbly.
We are back at the house and the Count/Student/Drunk Soldier is in a new disguise as an assistant to the music teacher (you know the music teacher with the rumor spreading idea) and convinces the Dr. that he is on his side because he has a letter written by Rosina and that the Student is actually the Count's lackey to try and get women for the Count for a little somethin somethin. This is a confusing opera, ok? The Dr. allows for the Count/Student/Drunk Solder/Music Assistant to teach Rosina and then Figaro comes by to help out. He is not just a barber, he's a wingman too. He starts to shave the Dr. but the original music teacher shows up and he has to be bribed by the Count to pretend that he is sick and he ends up leaving. The shaving starts again but the Dr. overhears the lovers conspiring and throws Figaro and the Count/Student/Drunk Soldier/Music Assistant out and decides that he will marry Rosina that very night.
Figaro and the Count/etc./etc. get a ladder and climb up to Rosina who has been told that the Student she is in love with is just the lackey for the Count and now believes that she has been set up in some kind of human trafficking ring and says she will marry the Dr. and tries to reject the Count/etc./etc.'s professions of love. She still thinks he is a poor student who takes cosplay very very seriously. He admits that he is actually the Count and not a poor student and she rejoices in the knowledge that she doesn't have to shop at WalMart and clip coupons and be bitter as she supports his ass through medical school only for him to leave her when he meets a Dr. Kimberly Shaw who happens to be batshit crazy and blows up the apartment building on Melrose. She can be a real fancy lady and get microdermabrasion and shop at Trader Joe's.
I wish feminism existed back then because somebody would have told Rosina that she has a lot of money and if girlfriend wants a condo with a sea view, girlfriend can have one. And highlights, too. The notary shows up and the Count and Rosina are quickly wed. The Dr. arrives too late and is pretty pissed about missing out on getting married and getting her money but the Count offers her money to him and that appeases him. Again, girlfriend, get a tax consultant. Take your money and invest it in some real estate and property development. You are not chattel but whatever. Everybody is happy and in love and Figaro has saved the day and probably has some pissed off customers waiting at his shop for an appointment while he was off helping people out and he is going to get a terrible customer review rating on Yelp until someone makes a Youtube video about his kind kind heart and it goes viral and there is a fundraiser and he gets a lot of money and business booms. And that my friends is the Barber of Seville. So much more upbeat than Madame Butterfly. No ugly crying last night for me. Class dismissed.
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