Operation Tubetop

I went on the scale this morning. It was stuff that nightmares are made of. I even pushed up on the sink to lower the numbers. Somehow mentally that makes me feel better. But letting go of the sink made me sad. I guess 4 months of holiday, 4 weeks back at a desk job and serious stress has made me want to EAT ALL THE THINGS. It has been so ridiculously hectic at work that I am inhaling anything that isn't nailed down. I have the angry at myself blues now. On Saturday we are going to a wedding. I have decided to wear the dress that was featured in the Hangover Miracle of 2011. Last night I decided to try it on and while it fits (thank you jeebus) it isn't as loose as it was last year. But we have just been invited to the first part of the wedding so I figure I can be uncomfortable for a couple of hours. I am annoyed with myself and feel like running around in garbage bags until I finally drop these blasted 20 pounds. So, if you need to find me, I will be sitting in the corner...

Do you know why Fall is every fashion minded person's favourite season? SLEEVES!! O.K. maybe it is just me. I love Fall; the weather is awesome (less schwitzing and kvetching), beautiful colours, awesome food and fashion that flatters. Oh and of course, Halloween! I thought I would do a series for women fall fashion and to start it off, I dedicate this post to all the hardworking stay at home moms out there. Whoever says it isn't a job is smoking crack, or, has never done it (stayed at home, not smoked crack). I stayed at home for the first 11 months and it was absolutely wonderful and absolutely exhausting. I salute you stay at home moms! (and now I will get comments that working mothers work just as hard... which I agree with as well. I salute working moms too. I also salute people without kids and single ladies and single moms. I salute all the ladies.) When you stay at home, the reasons to put on a bra are rare unless you have to go out. Even then, for me, it was a toss u...

Ugh. Did not sleep well last night. At 2 in the morning, the Kid decided to lose his pacifier and kvetch and kvetch for over an hour. We are currently trying to re-educate him that he needs to, you know, sleep the whole night. He loves going to bed. I'm not making this up to sound like a smug parent. Like, "my child just adores broccoli and Chopin!" or "my child can tell the difference between Monet and Manet". I usually respond with "my kid likes to put his pacifier on the ground and then lean down and pick it up with his mouth." I get horrified looks because a) he is two and a half and still using a pacifier (like, whatevs) and b) I'm not outbragging. I swear, it has turned into a motherloving sport. But yes, the Kid loves to go to bed. Sleeping? Whole nother matter. At 7:15 in the evening we make his milk and tell him it is time for bed. He walks up to his crib (yes, still in a crib) says "bye and bye" and we toss him in. For about a...

We still have to save the monies but I have bought a few things recently which, in my opinion, are necessities. Halloween is coming up and I really really have always really wanted a Halloween-type cookbook. Last year I bought this book for a friend for Christmas and now, many months later, I too will have one. Yes, the True Blood cookbook. This thing is going to look awesome in my kitchen with my funky clear plastic recipe book holder. Holla! And while I searched high and low for a Halloween cookie jar, I finally decided to by myself these salt and pepper shakers cause they are perfect for Halloween. They are a little kitschy but there ain't much choice over here! Halloween cookie jar, I will find you, or rather, I will find a site that ships to Austria for a decent price. And I also bought my friend a Christmas present but I ain't showing it here. Ha. Ha. Oh alright Alix, here you go: And yesterday I scoured the shops for rain boots. None were to be found. A...

It was a lazy perfect Sunday but alas it is over. I cannot believe it is the last week of August. Summer is ending but Fall is just around the corner which makes me want to yell "PASHMINAS FOR EVERYBODY!!!". Yesterday I realised I do not have any rain boots and that made me sad. I'm kind of obsessed with the Hunter boots but they are out of my price range. I told the Husband that I would be purchasing a pair of rain boots and the convo went like this: Me: I'm going to buy rain boots. Him: Why? Me: For the rain. Him: It will stop raining. Me: It will rain again. Him: Rain boots are ugly. Mawwiage. Sigh. So after work I will head down to a shoe store and buy the ugliest damn pair of rain boots. Or cute ones. I probably should get cute ones. I also need to purchase a rain coat. And maybe a cable knit sweater. I have visions of walking through rainy fields with the Kid on our estate. I have a lot of visions that involve us having an estate. I should have been a K...

Last night was a lot of fun! I ended up wearing my other dirndl because it had a little more give and I wasn't really in the mood for keeling over in front of a bunch of men in lederhosen. Another time and place for that fantasy to happen. When I'm thinner, perhaps. Lots of wine was consumed! Good conversation was had! And the people watching was great! I got a temporary tattoo on my wrist of the letter "R" and it looks kind of funky and I love temporary tatoos. They are body modifications for the unsure. Based on the number of times I change my hair colour, a real tattoo would just kill me. Oh, and my mother would kill me too. I was pretty tired and left around 11. I just can't do the late nights right now. In a way, it was easier when the Kid was a baby. I could just die on the sofa with him in my arms. Now, there is running around, playing with his trainset, reading books and trying to make sure he doesn't sit for 4 hours straight watching Dora. Atrophy, ...

Today is the day I wear my dirndl... I tried it on last night and well, I GOT IT ON!!! Can I breathe in it? Not really. Will I be able to consume solids while wearing it? Not likely. Will one of the hooks pop off and hit a man named Franz wearing lederhosen in the eye? Could happen. But it fits! After I tried it on and then took it off because I was getting light headed, I did the dumbass thing of consuming ALL THE FOODS in the apartment. Then I felt like a STUPID IDIOT and ran for the Saran Wrap. I did the body wrap and headed to bed where the Husband was in the mood to snuggle and I was like, No, I'm vacuum-packed right now, and he was all like, you didn't have to, I could have helped you put the dirndl on tomorrow. And that would have required him to break a couple of my ribs and we really aren't at that level...yet. So this morning, as I sit encased in plastic, I hope I can still get that kerblasted dress on this afternoon. I figure I will keep the wrap on until...

Originally this post was just going to about what offends me (and it will be) but there's been a little bit of happiness this morning that just makes me want to draw rainbows and drink light beer. First off, on the train, I read a story about an Austrian postal worker who has leukemia. She needs a bone marrow transplant. A rep of the Austrian postal service made the news public and so far a total of 13,000 postal workers and their families have donated blood to find a match. If that doesn't make you want to hug someone then you have no soul. What a great story to start the day! And then, a friend in Texas, an incredibly funny professor, just adopted a German Shepard puppy who had been tragically thrown from a car. When people adopt dogs who have been abandoned, my heart grows two sizes bigger. And the dog is adorable! Fun fact: German Shepards are just called Shepards in German. I know, blew your mind that did. So I am walking on sunshine but alas, I must write about what...

For me, sometimes the thought of getting up at 5:30 in the morning is soul crushing. Other times, the thought of not finishing a pizza sends me into spasms. What helps me throughout the day are amazing quotes and even images as well. This morning I did not want to go to the gym. That little voice, probably dressed as Satan or Lindsay Lohan, was saying "You've been to the gym twice this week. Why go today? The bed, it is so warm, so comfortable. You are so tired." But then another voice, sounding like Martha Stewart said "I wake up every morning at five. My ranch has peonies and I make my own sushi while listening to Chopin. I am a billionaire. Get your ass out of bed." And so I did. And I went to the gym and I pushed myself for 40 minutes on the crosstrainer and I felt a lot better. Take that Satan! And Martha, thank you. And so, here is a collection of some of my favourite inspiring quotes and well, people. This one being one of my favourites. Based on the ...

I love makeovers. I love books about makeovers. I love films about makeovers. I want to offer everyone I know a fun and free makeover (just to clarify, I think all my friends look fabulous and not in need of makeovers). There are, sadly not so many makeover films out there. OK, maybe some teenie flicks where the girl takes off her glasses and uh uh uh uh, why, she's gorgeous!!! I do love that scene in Not Another Teen Movie... Actually, I just love that whole movie. The scene is here . Satire is funny. Another makeover film is Pretty Woman. I loved this film when I was a kid. Now, as an adult, I feel a little awkward. For God's sake, how on Earth are they going to tell their kids how they met? " Well, Jimmy. Your mom was a hooker and she threw me a freebie..And the rest, as they say, is history. And now I can't even get a freebie and Jimmy, don't get married, it will shrivel your soul ." Awkward. But, perhaps, the best part of that whole film is her makeover...

I lost two pounds in a week. I'm perplexed. I worked really really hard and expected more of a drop. Back in my twenties, I'd, like, skip a meal and BAM down 5 pounds! But when you get older, your body is all like "Sucks to be you. It's going to take a lifestyle change to get that weight off. Oh, and as an extra bonus, you're gonna look like a California Raisin every morning when you wake up, you are welcome." *Aristic rendition of me in the mornings . But one might say, "good for you! 2 pounds is better than nothing." and while I agree with you, I also can't believe I gave up a meal of Kraft Mac and Cheese for two stinking pounds and if I hear water weight, I will hit the motherloving roof. So I have about 6 days to fit in my dirndl so I must be veddy veddy careful these next few days. Small healthy meals and gym visits. Wish me luck! And as an aside, I don't hate growing older, it is a luxury that many are denied (totally ripped...

I decided to get my hair did by me. I first started by trimming the dead ends. Not really dead ends, more like dead highways. I cut and I snipped and had no clue what I was doing. In the end I had a small bundle of fried hair that resembled a golden hair hamster that had lost his poor life through electrocution. RIP Buddy. Then I streaked my hair and that ended up looking not so good. So then I had some wine and purchased platinum blonde dye. Why the hell not, I've come this far. And now, I have very very blonde hair. While I would like to think I have channelled Marilyn Monroe, I think I now have channelled an Albino Carrot top. I am taking donations for seeing me at the local freak show. So very very bright blonde. You know what? I'm just going to say it looks fabulous. There. I look great. Fake it till you make it. Today we are meeting up with the inlaws at the Hofburg and then heading to the City Hall film festival which has tons of awesome food stands. Later we will ...

So, a couple of weeks ago I stumbled upon a pin on Pinterest. It was a DIY Body Wrap. All details  here . I decided to give it the old college try and lo and behold, it temporarily makes your circumference slightly smaller for a short time. I heart. So here is how you do it: Get some body lotion. Rub that all over the offending places (I have so very many - but I just stuck to my midsection - hate that bitch). Take some Saran Wrap (generic stuff works just as well you snob) and wrap and wrap and wrap. I did about 4 layers. Don't look at yourself in the mirror, it ain't pretty. Then take some ACE bandage (I actually have a Spanx-like tank top that I used instead and it worked pretty well) and wrap around the wrap. Wrap. Then go to bed and dream a dream of being corseted. In the morning, you wake up like it is Christmas. I have something to unwrap! ME!! Take off the gooey wrap and check it out. I've done it a few times and I'm pretty happy with it. It isn't a long...

The daycare is closed for a couple of weeks and the Husband has been a superstar taking care of the Kid. The nanny comes around three and then the Husband is free to buy retro Gameboys... don't ask. Yesterday was a public holiday so the Nanny was off and it was the Kid and the Husband, mano a mano. After regular naptime time, for both of them, I texted the Husband with a "hey! How's it going? Y'all still alive? lololol..." and then I did not get a response for 90 minutes. And oh how I freaked out. Let me first preface this. In the morning, yesterday, I read two different horoscopes. Both oddly declared Thursday, yesterday, to be a life-changing day. I spent most of the morning waiting for Sofia Coppola to call me wanting to turn this blog into a movie starring a chubby Leelee Sobieski. But then, when I did not get a return text from the Husband, I decided that my life-changing day was something terrible. Oh how I freaked out. I texted, I called (went straight to...

In 2011, a friend was getting married. I was one of the bridesmaids and the only request was that my dress be grey (love this idea). The Kid was about 6 months old at the time and I had lost all of my baby weight but still not my got fat-unemployed weight. I ordered a purty dress online and when it arrived it taught me that I don't know how to measure myself. It did not fit and so I did the level-headed thing and broke down in tears and wailed "I'm FAAAAAAAATTT" The Husband, being an awesome guy, told me to go and buy another dress. So I did and it was awful. I looked like the Elephant Man nekkid. I cried some more and looked at the lovely dress I had purchased that did not fit and felt sad. So sad. Two weeks passed and the bachelorette party was on! I went, had an awesome time and stumbled home around 4 in the morning (it had been years since I had done that). In the morning, like around 8, I woke up shakily and decided to try on the dress. Obviously I was still dr...

Last week I had an appointment at our bank with our banker. We decided to open a special locked-in savings account that we can't access for 6 years. With the ridiculously low interest rate, in 6 years, we should be able to afford an Ikea lamp. Awesome. I went alone to the meeting and after opening the new account, I asked the banker about mortgages and what we could expect to receive. He said he suggested to most of his clients a mortgage of around  "180,000". Oh how I laughed and I laughed. I asked if more was possible and he grudgingly said yes and now my friends, I have a point to prove. I have 3 years to save and save and for that to be possible, Imma have to tighten the panty strings. So this is how I'm going to do it. (And I know I have already posted about saving money months ago but I'm doing it again.) - No more coffees at work. I love the lattes but 2.75 a day adds up. Instead, I have created a little instant coffee bar in my office and it is fabulous....

Oh this show! This show this show this show! A dear friend texted me a couple of weeks ago and told me about this new show on Lifetime; Pretty Wicked Moms. Now, this same friend is the oracle of awesome shows and she is the one who originally turned me onto Real Housewives. For a few years this franchise was my crack. It showed women in different cities living a life of luxury, rocking rock hard bodies, wearing to die for couture and every once in a while, having meltdowns and/or flipping tables and it was good... so very good. But the past few seasons (the Real Housewives of O.C., Beverly Hills and New Jersey)  have lost their appeal. Suddenly they all went to a dark place; bankruptcy, divorce, suicide, addiction and friendships and families being torn apart. No bueno. Not good. No thank you. Nein danke. See, the thing about the Real Housewives when it first came out was that it was like this portal into another world; into a world of luxury and canary diamonds. It was an escape f...

Hey y'all! I'm back at work and working hard but the good news is that the busier I am the more productive I become. So stay tuned for all sorts of fabulous projects and updates! Next post coming tomorrow!