Things I Thought I Knew But Didn't Really Know About Having Kids
I'm a rookie parent. My son is just under 2 and I have just one child so I am by no means an expert on parenting so don't think I'll be offering advice. I know shit all. But I was thinking the other day about what I imagined life would be after the Kid came a long and realised even though I thought I knew what to expect, I really had no idea. And so, here is my list of what to really expect.
Expectation: Exhaustion. For years I have heard friends and countrymen go on and on and on about how tired they are due to their children's sleeping habits. I knew, that once the Kid came along, sleep would not be as available as before but I thought, how hard can it be?
Reality: How hard can it be? How hard can it be?!! I am a mother loving zombie. I sometimes even wonder if I remembered to put on a bra before going to work. Or even pants. There are moments on the subway when I will look down and thank the deities I am wearing shoes. I shit you not. Bone tiredness my friends. Our kid is in bed by 6:30 every night and that it awesome but he wakes up once in a while and then you can't get back to sleep and you and your husband will watch Dick Van Dyke in Diagnosis Murder at 4:00 a.m. and this becomes the highlight of your day. I kid you not.
Expectation: Slight frustration with their petulant behaviour every few months. I truly thought, my kid will be perfect. In fact, Little Man Tate will look like a bratty entitled asshole compared to mine. Yes. Yes, I did.
Reality: There is this whine that toddlers perfect over time. It is a combination of Fran Drescher and nails on blackboard mixed in with a little Gilbert Gottfried. The Husband will say, just ignore it. But mothers have been fitted with a microchip that makes the whine unbearable. And then there are the temper tantrums in public. Putting the kid back in the stroller after he has run around the playground for an hour is like wrestling a rabid alligator. High pitched screams and death rolls. And it is always helpful when other people stare.. Helps a lot guys. Keep up the judgemental looks. (I too used to judge. Present Tova hates smug Past Tova).
Expectation: Hours and hours of unmitigated joy
Reality: Hour of unmitigated joy. Kids are a blast and I don't think I have ever laughed as much as I have since having the Kid. He can be so much fun. Especially when I sneak up on him and yell "Boo!". He jumps like 3 feet in the air. Ha ha. He does love that, though...
Expectation: Tough love, firm boundaries, perfect child
Reality: We are both firm parents when it comes to time outs and sleep schedules. But then there are days when the Kid will want a cookie and it doesn't matter how many you give time outs or threaten Teddy with solitary confinement - you just might have to give the tiny terrorist a goddamn cookie.
Expectation: Date Nights Once a Week
Reality: This was important to me. It is still important to me. But life gets in the way and date nights are hard to organise. Babysitters ain't cheap and sometimes you are just so exhausted that the thought of putting on lipstick or eating past 8 seems daunting. To avoid only sitting in front of the TV eating dinner, I have implemented the 3 meals a week at the dining room table rule. It helps.
Expectation: A little bit of guilt
Reality: From Unitarian to Jew in an instant. Hot damn. The guilt is all consuming. Currently the Kid is sick and I had to go to work today. He just wanted me to carry him around. It killed me. I thought I knew guilt but now I really know guilt. Since he was born all I feel is guilt. Am I spending enough time with him? Are we waiting to long to go to the doctor to check his cold? I shouldn't have raised my voice, he's just a kid. I have to go to work and leave him with strangers for hours. I didn't think about him for 2 whole hours during the day, am I terrible mother? I'm annoyed that he can't sleep, that's terrible because it isn't his fault! And it goes on and on and on. I call it guiltitude. Sucks ass, my friends.
But really, this is the best time of my life and even though I may kvetch, I chose this lifestyle and I am psyched about it. Parenting, think before you do. Think hard.
Expectation: Exhaustion. For years I have heard friends and countrymen go on and on and on about how tired they are due to their children's sleeping habits. I knew, that once the Kid came along, sleep would not be as available as before but I thought, how hard can it be?
Reality: How hard can it be? How hard can it be?!! I am a mother loving zombie. I sometimes even wonder if I remembered to put on a bra before going to work. Or even pants. There are moments on the subway when I will look down and thank the deities I am wearing shoes. I shit you not. Bone tiredness my friends. Our kid is in bed by 6:30 every night and that it awesome but he wakes up once in a while and then you can't get back to sleep and you and your husband will watch Dick Van Dyke in Diagnosis Murder at 4:00 a.m. and this becomes the highlight of your day. I kid you not.
Expectation: Slight frustration with their petulant behaviour every few months. I truly thought, my kid will be perfect. In fact, Little Man Tate will look like a bratty entitled asshole compared to mine. Yes. Yes, I did.
Reality: There is this whine that toddlers perfect over time. It is a combination of Fran Drescher and nails on blackboard mixed in with a little Gilbert Gottfried. The Husband will say, just ignore it. But mothers have been fitted with a microchip that makes the whine unbearable. And then there are the temper tantrums in public. Putting the kid back in the stroller after he has run around the playground for an hour is like wrestling a rabid alligator. High pitched screams and death rolls. And it is always helpful when other people stare.. Helps a lot guys. Keep up the judgemental looks. (I too used to judge. Present Tova hates smug Past Tova).
Expectation: Hours and hours of unmitigated joy
Reality: Hour of unmitigated joy. Kids are a blast and I don't think I have ever laughed as much as I have since having the Kid. He can be so much fun. Especially when I sneak up on him and yell "Boo!". He jumps like 3 feet in the air. Ha ha. He does love that, though...
Expectation: Tough love, firm boundaries, perfect child
Reality: We are both firm parents when it comes to time outs and sleep schedules. But then there are days when the Kid will want a cookie and it doesn't matter how many you give time outs or threaten Teddy with solitary confinement - you just might have to give the tiny terrorist a goddamn cookie.
Expectation: Date Nights Once a Week
Reality: This was important to me. It is still important to me. But life gets in the way and date nights are hard to organise. Babysitters ain't cheap and sometimes you are just so exhausted that the thought of putting on lipstick or eating past 8 seems daunting. To avoid only sitting in front of the TV eating dinner, I have implemented the 3 meals a week at the dining room table rule. It helps.
Expectation: A little bit of guilt
Reality: From Unitarian to Jew in an instant. Hot damn. The guilt is all consuming. Currently the Kid is sick and I had to go to work today. He just wanted me to carry him around. It killed me. I thought I knew guilt but now I really know guilt. Since he was born all I feel is guilt. Am I spending enough time with him? Are we waiting to long to go to the doctor to check his cold? I shouldn't have raised my voice, he's just a kid. I have to go to work and leave him with strangers for hours. I didn't think about him for 2 whole hours during the day, am I terrible mother? I'm annoyed that he can't sleep, that's terrible because it isn't his fault! And it goes on and on and on. I call it guiltitude. Sucks ass, my friends.
But really, this is the best time of my life and even though I may kvetch, I chose this lifestyle and I am psyched about it. Parenting, think before you do. Think hard.
This sentence: But then there are days when the Kid will want a cookie and it doesn't matter how many you give time outs or threaten Teddy with solitary confinement - you just might have to give the tiny terrorist a goddamn cookie.
ReplyDeletePossibly the truest thing you've ever written...
I am happy to see I am not alone...
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the rabid alligator death roll of trying to get the kid back in the stroller, the crowd does stare but is not judgemental. We are seeing if you are able to win this battle and watching for tips or tricks to use against our own kids when this happens. Or we are remembering our battles and want to give advice but can't. “If you put him in a leg lock with your right arm and a half nelson with your left, you have both hands able to close the buckle“ said no stranger to a parent.
ReplyDelete