How to Deal with a Parent who has a Child with Autism and Dis and Dat
As most of you know, I have a beautiful little boy who has autism. He has a form of regressive autism which means it did not manifest until he was about 2.5 years old. He had about 80 words in his vocabulary and was incredibly communicative and was seemingly neurotypical. Over a few months, this disappeared and it was heart breaking. But three and a half years later, we are seeing him develop and grow and a large part has to do with the amazing therapy he is getting. I wouldn't trade my little boy for the world and of course, my mission in life now involves autism... which is something I never ever expected... and I feel like things are starting to get under control. Kind of. While we of course have our struggles and our heart break, we also experience joy and celebration. I decided to dedicate part of this blog post to talking about one aspect of autism: how to talk to a parent of a child with autism. This, of course, is from my point of view and of course varies from parent to parent. Because, as we know now, every story in autism is different and there is no one-size-fits-all. So here we go!
I often get asked "What is your child's special skill?" and I usually respond with "Licking windows." Now, I don't get offended because I know that this is a common misconception. True fact: not every child with autism is a prodigy. The best way to describe how a parent feels when asked this is this: imagine introducing your spouse and someone immediately asking "What's his special skill?". Think about this too as a parent of a neurotypical child. "This is my daughter Maisie." and then someone asking "What's her super power?" It would be a confusing question. While there are definitely many skill sets that people with autism do excel at, this doesn't mean they don't still struggle. Basic interaction, life skills, independence: these can all be lacking but somehow the ability to remember every important date going back 100 years is supposed to negate these issues. It is important to remember that just because a child can recite thousands of passages from books, they might not be able to do simple tasks many people take for granted. I like to post stories of people with autism who have achieved something incredible because these accomplishments need to be celebrated, but one can't assume that every person with autism has a special skill. The Kid is a super hero to me because I am his over protective helicopter mom and a Jewish mom at that.
I usually don't get too upset about things regarding questions about autism because it is important to educate and spread awareness and being angry doesn't help. I do, however, remember one time getting apoplectic over a private message I once got. A mother wrote me, and I am paraphrasing here: My children don't have autism. I don't want them to get it so which doctors can you recommend that won't give my children vaccines? She wrote this via the Autism in Vienna messenger. I was so angry because what it boiled down to, in my head, was "How can I stop my children from being like your child?" Many responses went through my head. One thing I wanted to write was "Well, my suggestion is to make an appointment with Dr. Go Fuck Yourself." but I didn't. Another thing I wanted to write was "Autism isn't the end of the world you ignorant ASSHOLE!". But I didn't. Instead I wrote that vaccines don't cause autism and best of luck. And then I opened a bottle of wine.
Otherwise, I do welcome questions. Another thing that I ask is please don't send articles about the "newest studies" regarding pregnancy and autism. It's the worst form of mommy shaming and that ship has already sailed (and no, I will not be re-birthing my son as was once suggested to me). There are so many "studies" and I think they are incredibly important but when you send a parent an article about this (pregnancy), it is tough. A lot of these studies are about correlation and as we know, we can find correlation in just about everything. George Clooney loves pizza. I love pizza, George Clooney loves me. See? Anyway, blaming mothers for "causing" autism is the lowest of the low. I know people are trying to be helpful, but it is tough. I have received articles about new and esoteric "cures" as well and that cuts to the bone. We aren't trying to "cure" our children. We love our children for who they are and while many of us choose to do therapy, we aren't doing it to change our child. We are doing it so that they learn life skills and learn more independence. When we read about these studies, it seems that people want us to cure our kids and that just doesn't make sense. Do we want to read about possibilities of minimizing freak outs and improving sleep habits and enhancing communication skills? YES! But a new "cure" that requires a diet of grapefruit and crystals and goat chanting... no.
Now, to clarify a little bit more, most scientific studies are great. And I like reading about developments in research in the area of autism. So scientific study articles, good. Articles about pregnancy, bizarre "cures" and general parent shaming, bad. Does that make sense? No? Well life doesn't make sense and I never said I was straightforward. Heh. Again, I might just be speaking for myself here, but I also truly love to hear stories of accomplishments and success. I heard a story recently about a little girl who at the age of 5 was completely non-verbal and would just rock in the corner. She is now in her first year of university and flourishing. This is the type of story I love to hear because it gives us hope. And hope is sometimes all we have. But the most important thing of all, is that my son is happy and healthy.
So I hope the above was a little bit helpful. There are things I know that I have to work on as well. I often minimize other parents' complaints. I once was in a conversation of mothers and they were complaining about homework. One mother stopped and said "You are so lucky if your son goes to a special needs school. Then you don't have to worry about homework." and I responded with "I would kill to have to deal with homework." I was snarky and I regretted it. I don't want people to have to censor what they say around me. Everyone has problems and annoyances and I want people to tell me about their lives. One day I just hope I don't have to excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. I get stronger every day and I just need to remind myself that for the most part, nobody is being malicious. I can't react every time but I can be calm and explain. Or I can just open some more wine. Either or. And totally off topic, but let's a talk a little bit more about me. Yesterday the article for the Wiener Bezirkszeitung came out. It was about being a Canadian in Vienna and I had a blast being interviewed for it. The picture of me, however, was terrible. It wasn't anybody's fault but my fat face's fault. Now now, there is no need to reassure me. I just absolutely have self esteem issues when it comes to how I look and while I struggle with it internally, I am otherwise pretty happy with who I am in general. Seeing me and my double chin in the paper was a bit of a reality check and now I am back to working out until I turn into Jesse Spano from Saved by the Bell or a cheerleader from a Lifetime film.
So ignore my self-deprecating humour and realize that I am incredibly awkward when it comes to reassurance and compliments. Please check out the article here. Moving on. I have a guest blog post coming up soon! I cannot wait! Hopefully in a couple of days it will be up and I know you all will love it. I wish you a fab Wednesday! And thanks for reading! Toodles!
I often get asked "What is your child's special skill?" and I usually respond with "Licking windows." Now, I don't get offended because I know that this is a common misconception. True fact: not every child with autism is a prodigy. The best way to describe how a parent feels when asked this is this: imagine introducing your spouse and someone immediately asking "What's his special skill?". Think about this too as a parent of a neurotypical child. "This is my daughter Maisie." and then someone asking "What's her super power?" It would be a confusing question. While there are definitely many skill sets that people with autism do excel at, this doesn't mean they don't still struggle. Basic interaction, life skills, independence: these can all be lacking but somehow the ability to remember every important date going back 100 years is supposed to negate these issues. It is important to remember that just because a child can recite thousands of passages from books, they might not be able to do simple tasks many people take for granted. I like to post stories of people with autism who have achieved something incredible because these accomplishments need to be celebrated, but one can't assume that every person with autism has a special skill. The Kid is a super hero to me because I am his over protective helicopter mom and a Jewish mom at that.
I usually don't get too upset about things regarding questions about autism because it is important to educate and spread awareness and being angry doesn't help. I do, however, remember one time getting apoplectic over a private message I once got. A mother wrote me, and I am paraphrasing here: My children don't have autism. I don't want them to get it so which doctors can you recommend that won't give my children vaccines? She wrote this via the Autism in Vienna messenger. I was so angry because what it boiled down to, in my head, was "How can I stop my children from being like your child?" Many responses went through my head. One thing I wanted to write was "Well, my suggestion is to make an appointment with Dr. Go Fuck Yourself." but I didn't. Another thing I wanted to write was "Autism isn't the end of the world you ignorant ASSHOLE!". But I didn't. Instead I wrote that vaccines don't cause autism and best of luck. And then I opened a bottle of wine.
Otherwise, I do welcome questions. Another thing that I ask is please don't send articles about the "newest studies" regarding pregnancy and autism. It's the worst form of mommy shaming and that ship has already sailed (and no, I will not be re-birthing my son as was once suggested to me). There are so many "studies" and I think they are incredibly important but when you send a parent an article about this (pregnancy), it is tough. A lot of these studies are about correlation and as we know, we can find correlation in just about everything. George Clooney loves pizza. I love pizza, George Clooney loves me. See? Anyway, blaming mothers for "causing" autism is the lowest of the low. I know people are trying to be helpful, but it is tough. I have received articles about new and esoteric "cures" as well and that cuts to the bone. We aren't trying to "cure" our children. We love our children for who they are and while many of us choose to do therapy, we aren't doing it to change our child. We are doing it so that they learn life skills and learn more independence. When we read about these studies, it seems that people want us to cure our kids and that just doesn't make sense. Do we want to read about possibilities of minimizing freak outs and improving sleep habits and enhancing communication skills? YES! But a new "cure" that requires a diet of grapefruit and crystals and goat chanting... no.
Now, to clarify a little bit more, most scientific studies are great. And I like reading about developments in research in the area of autism. So scientific study articles, good. Articles about pregnancy, bizarre "cures" and general parent shaming, bad. Does that make sense? No? Well life doesn't make sense and I never said I was straightforward. Heh. Again, I might just be speaking for myself here, but I also truly love to hear stories of accomplishments and success. I heard a story recently about a little girl who at the age of 5 was completely non-verbal and would just rock in the corner. She is now in her first year of university and flourishing. This is the type of story I love to hear because it gives us hope. And hope is sometimes all we have. But the most important thing of all, is that my son is happy and healthy.
So I hope the above was a little bit helpful. There are things I know that I have to work on as well. I often minimize other parents' complaints. I once was in a conversation of mothers and they were complaining about homework. One mother stopped and said "You are so lucky if your son goes to a special needs school. Then you don't have to worry about homework." and I responded with "I would kill to have to deal with homework." I was snarky and I regretted it. I don't want people to have to censor what they say around me. Everyone has problems and annoyances and I want people to tell me about their lives. One day I just hope I don't have to excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. I get stronger every day and I just need to remind myself that for the most part, nobody is being malicious. I can't react every time but I can be calm and explain. Or I can just open some more wine. Either or. And totally off topic, but let's a talk a little bit more about me. Yesterday the article for the Wiener Bezirkszeitung came out. It was about being a Canadian in Vienna and I had a blast being interviewed for it. The picture of me, however, was terrible. It wasn't anybody's fault but my fat face's fault. Now now, there is no need to reassure me. I just absolutely have self esteem issues when it comes to how I look and while I struggle with it internally, I am otherwise pretty happy with who I am in general. Seeing me and my double chin in the paper was a bit of a reality check and now I am back to working out until I turn into Jesse Spano from Saved by the Bell or a cheerleader from a Lifetime film.
So ignore my self-deprecating humour and realize that I am incredibly awkward when it comes to reassurance and compliments. Please check out the article here. Moving on. I have a guest blog post coming up soon! I cannot wait! Hopefully in a couple of days it will be up and I know you all will love it. I wish you a fab Wednesday! And thanks for reading! Toodles!
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