A Rough Morning
I have bad days just like everybody else. Tova, she's just like us! But they usually last just an hour or two and then I am back to my normal obnoxious optimistic self because shorty needs to tell everybody about something inane. But then there are times (usually once a year), that I go into a deep dark hole. It isn't depression. It is only for a short time. I end up losing my appetite and get very very sad and for those few days, it's hard for me even to fathom moving forward. The problem is, is that I can't take just a few days anymore. There is a lot to do and I have a son who needs me. This morning is what sparked this wave of sadness and I will get to that shortly. Speaking of the Kid, he still is sick. He had another low-grade fever this morning but at least was able to drink water and yell at me when I approached him with the thermometer. He woke up at 3 a.m. to a terrible cough and we refilled the humidifier. We have had the humidifier running non-stop for the last few days and it feels like we are living in Jurassic Park.
But on the plus side, my skin is doing great! It's like a facial, but not really. And actually, I have aged these past few days so yeah. Balance. Anyway... Let's talk about the shiteous morning. We had been waiting for this appointment for the past couple of months. The Kid was assessed by the special needs "experts" back in December and they came to the conclusion that he needs a lot of support. I don't disagree with this at all but my big hope was that he could attend an integration class so that he would be around neurotypical children. We assumed that the meeting today would be about finding the best fit for him and then start looking for schools in September. Yeah, it didn't really go that way. The Mother in Law came over early to watch the Kid so that the Husband and I could head over to the 3rd district. We showed up a little early and were introduced to a woman who is in charge of special needs children in several districts. I also quickly realized it was a school for mostly special needs kids that the meeting was in. We stepped into a conference room and she told us that she had met the Kid and that she had a hard time assessing him. Apparently an autism "expert" was there as well as at the meeting. I use quotes. She then said that our son needs to be placed in the class for the most disabled children. This cut like a knife to my heart. Look, we know our son needs support. We know that we have a special needs kid. But like most parents of children of special needs, we live with a small flame of hope that maybe this isn't true. Just maybe one day he will wake up and say "Hey Mommy, hey Daddy, I love you." Being told that your kid is severely disabled hurts like nothing you have ever felt before. It isn't because you don't know. You know. It's because you are grieving over what could have been, allover again. I grieve for not being able to talk to him. I grieve for not hearing him yell "Mommy" anymore. I grieve over him not having friends. I grieve over never knowing what he is thinking about, knowing if he is truly happy. I grieve.
I need to keep some hope inside that he will talk again. Without that hope, there is very little keeping me going. What drives me? Hope. And I have to keep going. Not only is the Kid relying on me, but so much more. But I digress. Back to the fun fun meeting... Besides the chest searing pain, I liked the woman. I also liked her more when she assumed I was a psychologist. I had to sadly say "No. No I am not. But I have an autism Verein." and she suddenly seemed pleased. I also wanted to ask if it was the Chanel purse that made her think I was a psychologist. A fancy one. Suddenly the director of the school popped his head into the room to say he was going to a meeting and suddenly she jumped out of her seat and excused herself. There were a lot of "suddenlys". I write good. She came back a minute later with a huge smile and said "Well, I just talked to the director and your son can have the last spot!" and the Husband and I were like "What?" She told us about the class he would be in: 6 kids, two teachers. And then she asked if we wanted to look at the class. We nodded and said yes, and then we headed upstairs in a daze. It was a classroom with 3 lovely little boys. The teachers seemed nice and the classroom is bright. After seeing the classroom, we went back downstairs and signed up. I asked her repeatedly that if the Kid were to advance, would it be possible for him to change classes and she assured us it would be possible. I know that this will probably end up being the best for him, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The one thing that makes me smile is that they met him and they still want him. He's my angel but he can be a handful. Obviously does not get that from me. Shut it.
I have to believe that this will all work out. But I am allowing myself a few days to mourn. I am going to put on my pyjamas after work tomorrow and stay in them until Sunday. Maybe I will change them. Maybe I won't. I need this time. I also need the Kid to get better. He is such a little fighter and I am so proud of him. And so the last little story of the day: I had a flashback this morning, while brushing my teeth, regarding special needs and the motivation of people who go into it as a career. And I remembered when I went to New York just over a year ago and I was at a diner in Queens on New Year's Eve. That is something that I never ever ever ever would have imagined myself writing without adding "In my dream last night..." But yes, I was in Queens in Long Island City and a group of people had decided to get some dinner before partying at the apartment of a friend of a friend. I started talking to a big, burly New Yorker who turned out to be a fire fighter union head. We talked about the horror of September 11th and then I started talking about autism. I mentioned that I was going to try and open an autism center and he responded, in his New York accent with "Autism? Yeah, you could make allotta money wid dat!" And I almost choked on my grilled cheese sandwich. Nobody goes into special needs support for the money. Nobody. It takes a special person to work with children with special needs. There are a lot of charlatans out there and nothing makes me angrier than that. But the people who are qualified, and dedicate their lives to this: heroes. And I am so honoured to have incredible women working with my son. They are the best. I digressed again. After a day of lots and lots of crying. I cried on a tram, on two different ubahns, in a friend's office, in my office, in the bathroom, in the hallway. I cried more than I have cried in a couple of years. But in a couple of days, things will start to be O.K. again. But I am allowing myself to cry today.
The only positive part of this week is that the GoFundMe account for the autism center is officially up! I will hopefully have it translated into German soon. The fundraiser in January brought us 2,000 euros and an incredible person donated an additional 1,000. So I am so happy to have that money ready to transfer into the new account. It provides us with some extra money to hire an accountant because me and math... So many of you have been so generous and I appreciate the shares of the link. It is amazing! There is a lot to raise but I believe that it can be done. If you can donate or know of someone rich, currently sitting on their golden sofa saying "I simply would love to give some money away", here is the link, every little bit helps!
Before I end this, I want to say thank you for all of the amazing support. Virtual and in real life, it has been extraordinary. I feel like I have so many people in my corner. It's been a journey and it is far from over but knowing that I have so much support, it is surmountable. And Kid, we have a lot of people to prove wrong... but best of all, we all a lot of people to prove right.
But on the plus side, my skin is doing great! It's like a facial, but not really. And actually, I have aged these past few days so yeah. Balance. Anyway... Let's talk about the shiteous morning. We had been waiting for this appointment for the past couple of months. The Kid was assessed by the special needs "experts" back in December and they came to the conclusion that he needs a lot of support. I don't disagree with this at all but my big hope was that he could attend an integration class so that he would be around neurotypical children. We assumed that the meeting today would be about finding the best fit for him and then start looking for schools in September. Yeah, it didn't really go that way. The Mother in Law came over early to watch the Kid so that the Husband and I could head over to the 3rd district. We showed up a little early and were introduced to a woman who is in charge of special needs children in several districts. I also quickly realized it was a school for mostly special needs kids that the meeting was in. We stepped into a conference room and she told us that she had met the Kid and that she had a hard time assessing him. Apparently an autism "expert" was there as well as at the meeting. I use quotes. She then said that our son needs to be placed in the class for the most disabled children. This cut like a knife to my heart. Look, we know our son needs support. We know that we have a special needs kid. But like most parents of children of special needs, we live with a small flame of hope that maybe this isn't true. Just maybe one day he will wake up and say "Hey Mommy, hey Daddy, I love you." Being told that your kid is severely disabled hurts like nothing you have ever felt before. It isn't because you don't know. You know. It's because you are grieving over what could have been, allover again. I grieve for not being able to talk to him. I grieve for not hearing him yell "Mommy" anymore. I grieve over him not having friends. I grieve over never knowing what he is thinking about, knowing if he is truly happy. I grieve.
I need to keep some hope inside that he will talk again. Without that hope, there is very little keeping me going. What drives me? Hope. And I have to keep going. Not only is the Kid relying on me, but so much more. But I digress. Back to the fun fun meeting... Besides the chest searing pain, I liked the woman. I also liked her more when she assumed I was a psychologist. I had to sadly say "No. No I am not. But I have an autism Verein." and she suddenly seemed pleased. I also wanted to ask if it was the Chanel purse that made her think I was a psychologist. A fancy one. Suddenly the director of the school popped his head into the room to say he was going to a meeting and suddenly she jumped out of her seat and excused herself. There were a lot of "suddenlys". I write good. She came back a minute later with a huge smile and said "Well, I just talked to the director and your son can have the last spot!" and the Husband and I were like "What?" She told us about the class he would be in: 6 kids, two teachers. And then she asked if we wanted to look at the class. We nodded and said yes, and then we headed upstairs in a daze. It was a classroom with 3 lovely little boys. The teachers seemed nice and the classroom is bright. After seeing the classroom, we went back downstairs and signed up. I asked her repeatedly that if the Kid were to advance, would it be possible for him to change classes and she assured us it would be possible. I know that this will probably end up being the best for him, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The one thing that makes me smile is that they met him and they still want him. He's my angel but he can be a handful. Obviously does not get that from me. Shut it.
I have to believe that this will all work out. But I am allowing myself a few days to mourn. I am going to put on my pyjamas after work tomorrow and stay in them until Sunday. Maybe I will change them. Maybe I won't. I need this time. I also need the Kid to get better. He is such a little fighter and I am so proud of him. And so the last little story of the day: I had a flashback this morning, while brushing my teeth, regarding special needs and the motivation of people who go into it as a career. And I remembered when I went to New York just over a year ago and I was at a diner in Queens on New Year's Eve. That is something that I never ever ever ever would have imagined myself writing without adding "In my dream last night..." But yes, I was in Queens in Long Island City and a group of people had decided to get some dinner before partying at the apartment of a friend of a friend. I started talking to a big, burly New Yorker who turned out to be a fire fighter union head. We talked about the horror of September 11th and then I started talking about autism. I mentioned that I was going to try and open an autism center and he responded, in his New York accent with "Autism? Yeah, you could make allotta money wid dat!" And I almost choked on my grilled cheese sandwich. Nobody goes into special needs support for the money. Nobody. It takes a special person to work with children with special needs. There are a lot of charlatans out there and nothing makes me angrier than that. But the people who are qualified, and dedicate their lives to this: heroes. And I am so honoured to have incredible women working with my son. They are the best. I digressed again. After a day of lots and lots of crying. I cried on a tram, on two different ubahns, in a friend's office, in my office, in the bathroom, in the hallway. I cried more than I have cried in a couple of years. But in a couple of days, things will start to be O.K. again. But I am allowing myself to cry today.
The only positive part of this week is that the GoFundMe account for the autism center is officially up! I will hopefully have it translated into German soon. The fundraiser in January brought us 2,000 euros and an incredible person donated an additional 1,000. So I am so happy to have that money ready to transfer into the new account. It provides us with some extra money to hire an accountant because me and math... So many of you have been so generous and I appreciate the shares of the link. It is amazing! There is a lot to raise but I believe that it can be done. If you can donate or know of someone rich, currently sitting on their golden sofa saying "I simply would love to give some money away", here is the link, every little bit helps!
Before I end this, I want to say thank you for all of the amazing support. Virtual and in real life, it has been extraordinary. I feel like I have so many people in my corner. It's been a journey and it is far from over but knowing that I have so much support, it is surmountable. And Kid, we have a lot of people to prove wrong... but best of all, we all a lot of people to prove right.
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