How to be a Perfect Mother - The Early Years
This is a satire piece that I really enjoyed writing. Being a mom nowadays is tough. I'm not saying that previous generations haven't struggled with motherhood, but with the dawn of the Internet, there is a lot of constant pressure. Stay at home mom? You aren't a feminist. Working mom? Why did you have a child if you aren't going to spend all day with them. Co-sleeping? Your child is screwed. Sleeping on their own from birth? Your child is screwed. You lost the baby weight and fit into a size 2? So vain. You haven't lost the baby weight and sweat pants love you? What kind of example are you setting for your child? Post a lot of pictures of your child on Facebook? A little too obsessive mommy. Don't post pictures of your child on Facebook? Odd, paranoid mommy. You literally cannot win as far as the Internet goes. I have been blasted in the past for lots of things and while it isn't fun, I am growing a thicker skin. I truly think that a perfect mother is one who knows their limitations and their strengths and messes up once in a while and tries to approach it all with a sense of humour. You are allowed to cry and you are allowed to be miserable and you are allowed to be overjoyed and you are allowed to feel like you are doing everything wrong. But you know what, love your child unconditionally and you will be fine. Also, maybe don't give your baby Red Bull. Let's try to support other moms. And sure, we judge, that's human nature, but always be kind. My real advice is, go forth, moms and be awesome.
And here is my tongue-in-cheek guide to being a perfect mother in 2017- the early years.
So you are having a baby! Congratulations and say good bye to your current identity. For the next 9 months, you will be known as the POD. I hope you have already signed up for pre-natal classes, a mommy-to-be club, yoga, running, in utero baby signs, and have stocked up on 100 liters of Bi-oil. Your days of leisure are over and your days will be filled with exercise, decaf tea and hours of rubbing Bi-oil on your tummy that when you shower, you make the BP oil spill look like child's play. Not once are you to complain about discomfort. In fact, make sure you glow. If you don't glow, rub some Vaseline on your face when going out.
Now, you have only put on 1.9 pounds per month. You have worked out 3 hours a day but no heavy weights please because think about the baby. You have no stretch marks and your Instagram is filled with Chevron print rugs and wallpaper. And your baby's size has been compared to every tropical fruit. Now it is time to plan the birth! It is absolutely imperative to write out your birthing plan. The more details, the better. Want only green M&M's? WRITE THAT DOWN! You want whale songs played during the delivery? WRITE THAT DOWN! You want your doctor to be named Jack? To have graying temples and dimples? WRITE THAT DOWN! This is your day! Birthing plans are not suggestions, they are the rule. A good doctor will follow your wishes to have soft flattering lighting in the delivery room so that post-birth you can write #nofilter.
Your birth was perfect. Your make up stayed in place and your baby came out pink and lovely. Wrapped in a blanket, the future lawyer is passed to you and now the real fun begins! You leave the hospital in a Kate Middleton-like dress and in heels and wave to people as you step into the car. They know you are Super Mommy and they are awed. You are breast feeding and it gives you such immense joy that you wonder why anybody has ever said it was hard. Remember to treasure every single second of it because you only have 363 days to do it. Any less, you are depriving your child. Any more, you are co-dependent. I don't make the rules, the Internet does. Now this is when the fun starts! It has been two days since you brought Simba home and you are back in your pre-pregnancy jeans! You start taking pictures of you and baby, sitting in a beam of soft afternoon sun. Your handmade rocking chair is shined and polished and the chevron print blanket sets off the cedar beautifully. The only poses acceptable are baby gazing at you. You gazing at baby. No breast feeding pictures please! Apparently on the Internet, people think that babies feed themselves with tubs of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia!
Never post pictures of your reason for living more than every other day. People might think you are a little obsessed. Fill your Instagram with pictures of a Starbucks cup in the Bugaboo cup holder, your bright new white Keds and of the Spring picnic you are having in a park. It isn't Spring? Did I not tell you to plan the conception so that you would give birth early on in the year? Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, you have a spouse? He or she isn't necessary for the next couple of years. Wait, I was wrong, they are fantastic to use in conversation starters like "Dads. The most clueless! Amirite?" The first year, if the spouse is around, make sure you both look at the baby sleeping every 15 minutes and then gaze at each other lovingly and whisper "We did this." It is the best to do this when you have company over. Never ever have I heard new parents ever fight. Terms like "Hey, turdface, the baby is crying." followed by a kick to the ribs. That just doesn't ever happen.
Now, competition is important in the world of baby groups. You want your child to always be first. Even if it looks like little Marcel is about to be the first to roll over, you have to get there first. Set the scene in your beautiful white sun-dappled living room. Make sure to take shots of the baby on her back and then on her tummy (you aren't Snapchatting a video so nobody will know)! Post this to social media and say "OMG! She just turned over all by herself #justlikemommy #firstinshow" and then tag all the mothers in your baby group because they will be the most excited for you. You can do this for all "firsts". One tip when trying to stage the "first steps" is to airbrush out the chair your baby is holding onto. Make sure you spent a majority of your pregnancy learning Photoshop.
Your baby's first word will be "Mommy". The second will be "Quinoa". You have been in hibernation for the first year. You haven't watched TV and you aren't planning to for the next 17 years. You read about spoilers and new great TV shows on your phone. Did I not mention that the only screen time you are allowed to have is when you go to the bathroom with your phone? Your year of perfection has come to an end and some big changes are coming your way. Ideally you would spend every single second with your child, but don't forget about strangers judging you! Now is the time to show the world that you can have it all! It is time for you to get a job! You need to find a part time job that will pay what a full time job would. This sends a message of "I am an independent woman!" and that is what baby at 12 months wants to hear. So does Facebook! You read on baby forums that if you don't send your child to daycare, they will turn into a sociopathic killer who likes to wear terry cloth. So you scour your town for the best Montessori in the country. It doesn't matter how much it will cost you, your child is going there. You drop the baby off at 8:30 every morning, head to the office (ideally you work from home because then you can post status updates featuring fuzzy socks, top buns and rose gold office supplies), and work for approximately 3 hours. Make sure to take breaks every 30 minutes to call the daycare and tell them to put your baby on the phone so that you can read them a story. War and Peace is loved by many toddlers. Doing this tells the daycare that you think that they are capable of caring for your child... But never as capable as you. Never.
It is 12! Time to pick up your child. You arrive at the daycare to find your child wearing the same exact white Petit Bateau sailor outfit you put on them this morning. Never ever would the daycare put your child in a Buzz Lightyear t-shirt that belongs to Bobby. Never would Bobby's parents swear at each other that evening "I don't know where the fuck that t-shirt is?! He won't go to daycare without it! Dammit!" Your child was the best in class today and taught the other toddlers how to make kale chips. You drive back home to your house that has magically self-cleaned itself. But make sure it isn't too clean because studies show that anti-bacterial products are just as bad as cocaine. You shut off all electronics and make lunch which is organic and harvested from your backyard. In fact, just that morning you Instagrammed a heirloom tomato you just picked! Your child eats all their vegetables and hates chocolate and sugar. Nap time! Nap time is important. This is the time you can get a work out in. You run on the treadmill for 60 minutes while thinking only about your child. Your spouse gets home at exactly 6 p.m. and you are looking fab in your kaftan and your child is rosy cheeked and happily learning about cold fusion. Never has a perfect mother ever said "Take this child. I'm drowning myself in gin, now."
All work and no play? Not for this modern gal. Don't forget about mommy nights! These magical nights happen once a month and you have the perfect outfit for this! It better be a crop top light pink silk number. You should hug your child as you are leaving because they are just as clean as you are and would never schmear peanut butter allover the back of your clothes. It is going to be a wild night of Cosmos (no more than 2) and stories about your children. Your spouse will not be texting you about where you put his teddy bear, or that he won't sleep or that maybe after some cocktails you might be in the mood for a little somethin somethin and so feel free to wake him up when you get home. No, he will only text once to say that instead of the couscous you put out for dinner, he served the child zucchini noodles with a tiny bit of extra virgin olive oil and a spritz of lemon. This is the perfect time to sigh loudly and say to the table "Dads! Amirite?" You make sure to Instagram your fab night out and wait for comments like "I just don't know how you do it all!" This is code for "You are a role model to us all!"
It is important that now that your child is able to talk and show that they are strong willed (this is the best! This means they will be successful!), that you take them to cultural events. Wagner is a great option for a child's first opera! Try to make it a sing along! The other audience members will be charmed by your child's ability to yell out "GIANTS! CHOO CHOO!" Also book a table at the swankiest restaurant in town and wave off the child's menu saying "He will have the oysters!" Talk about Descartes over the appetizers. Instagram this too. If you follow all of the above advice, you will be the perfect mother. I hope this guide was helpful! If you aren't 100 % fulfilled by raising your child every single day, you are doing it wrong. Welcome to motherhood!
Signed,
Tova (again, this was satire, no hate mail please)
And here is my tongue-in-cheek guide to being a perfect mother in 2017- the early years.
So you are having a baby! Congratulations and say good bye to your current identity. For the next 9 months, you will be known as the POD. I hope you have already signed up for pre-natal classes, a mommy-to-be club, yoga, running, in utero baby signs, and have stocked up on 100 liters of Bi-oil. Your days of leisure are over and your days will be filled with exercise, decaf tea and hours of rubbing Bi-oil on your tummy that when you shower, you make the BP oil spill look like child's play. Not once are you to complain about discomfort. In fact, make sure you glow. If you don't glow, rub some Vaseline on your face when going out.
Now, you have only put on 1.9 pounds per month. You have worked out 3 hours a day but no heavy weights please because think about the baby. You have no stretch marks and your Instagram is filled with Chevron print rugs and wallpaper. And your baby's size has been compared to every tropical fruit. Now it is time to plan the birth! It is absolutely imperative to write out your birthing plan. The more details, the better. Want only green M&M's? WRITE THAT DOWN! You want whale songs played during the delivery? WRITE THAT DOWN! You want your doctor to be named Jack? To have graying temples and dimples? WRITE THAT DOWN! This is your day! Birthing plans are not suggestions, they are the rule. A good doctor will follow your wishes to have soft flattering lighting in the delivery room so that post-birth you can write #nofilter.
Your birth was perfect. Your make up stayed in place and your baby came out pink and lovely. Wrapped in a blanket, the future lawyer is passed to you and now the real fun begins! You leave the hospital in a Kate Middleton-like dress and in heels and wave to people as you step into the car. They know you are Super Mommy and they are awed. You are breast feeding and it gives you such immense joy that you wonder why anybody has ever said it was hard. Remember to treasure every single second of it because you only have 363 days to do it. Any less, you are depriving your child. Any more, you are co-dependent. I don't make the rules, the Internet does. Now this is when the fun starts! It has been two days since you brought Simba home and you are back in your pre-pregnancy jeans! You start taking pictures of you and baby, sitting in a beam of soft afternoon sun. Your handmade rocking chair is shined and polished and the chevron print blanket sets off the cedar beautifully. The only poses acceptable are baby gazing at you. You gazing at baby. No breast feeding pictures please! Apparently on the Internet, people think that babies feed themselves with tubs of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia!
Never post pictures of your reason for living more than every other day. People might think you are a little obsessed. Fill your Instagram with pictures of a Starbucks cup in the Bugaboo cup holder, your bright new white Keds and of the Spring picnic you are having in a park. It isn't Spring? Did I not tell you to plan the conception so that you would give birth early on in the year? Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, you have a spouse? He or she isn't necessary for the next couple of years. Wait, I was wrong, they are fantastic to use in conversation starters like "Dads. The most clueless! Amirite?" The first year, if the spouse is around, make sure you both look at the baby sleeping every 15 minutes and then gaze at each other lovingly and whisper "We did this." It is the best to do this when you have company over. Never ever have I heard new parents ever fight. Terms like "Hey, turdface, the baby is crying." followed by a kick to the ribs. That just doesn't ever happen.
Now, competition is important in the world of baby groups. You want your child to always be first. Even if it looks like little Marcel is about to be the first to roll over, you have to get there first. Set the scene in your beautiful white sun-dappled living room. Make sure to take shots of the baby on her back and then on her tummy (you aren't Snapchatting a video so nobody will know)! Post this to social media and say "OMG! She just turned over all by herself #justlikemommy #firstinshow" and then tag all the mothers in your baby group because they will be the most excited for you. You can do this for all "firsts". One tip when trying to stage the "first steps" is to airbrush out the chair your baby is holding onto. Make sure you spent a majority of your pregnancy learning Photoshop.
Your baby's first word will be "Mommy". The second will be "Quinoa". You have been in hibernation for the first year. You haven't watched TV and you aren't planning to for the next 17 years. You read about spoilers and new great TV shows on your phone. Did I not mention that the only screen time you are allowed to have is when you go to the bathroom with your phone? Your year of perfection has come to an end and some big changes are coming your way. Ideally you would spend every single second with your child, but don't forget about strangers judging you! Now is the time to show the world that you can have it all! It is time for you to get a job! You need to find a part time job that will pay what a full time job would. This sends a message of "I am an independent woman!" and that is what baby at 12 months wants to hear. So does Facebook! You read on baby forums that if you don't send your child to daycare, they will turn into a sociopathic killer who likes to wear terry cloth. So you scour your town for the best Montessori in the country. It doesn't matter how much it will cost you, your child is going there. You drop the baby off at 8:30 every morning, head to the office (ideally you work from home because then you can post status updates featuring fuzzy socks, top buns and rose gold office supplies), and work for approximately 3 hours. Make sure to take breaks every 30 minutes to call the daycare and tell them to put your baby on the phone so that you can read them a story. War and Peace is loved by many toddlers. Doing this tells the daycare that you think that they are capable of caring for your child... But never as capable as you. Never.
It is 12! Time to pick up your child. You arrive at the daycare to find your child wearing the same exact white Petit Bateau sailor outfit you put on them this morning. Never ever would the daycare put your child in a Buzz Lightyear t-shirt that belongs to Bobby. Never would Bobby's parents swear at each other that evening "I don't know where the fuck that t-shirt is?! He won't go to daycare without it! Dammit!" Your child was the best in class today and taught the other toddlers how to make kale chips. You drive back home to your house that has magically self-cleaned itself. But make sure it isn't too clean because studies show that anti-bacterial products are just as bad as cocaine. You shut off all electronics and make lunch which is organic and harvested from your backyard. In fact, just that morning you Instagrammed a heirloom tomato you just picked! Your child eats all their vegetables and hates chocolate and sugar. Nap time! Nap time is important. This is the time you can get a work out in. You run on the treadmill for 60 minutes while thinking only about your child. Your spouse gets home at exactly 6 p.m. and you are looking fab in your kaftan and your child is rosy cheeked and happily learning about cold fusion. Never has a perfect mother ever said "Take this child. I'm drowning myself in gin, now."
All work and no play? Not for this modern gal. Don't forget about mommy nights! These magical nights happen once a month and you have the perfect outfit for this! It better be a crop top light pink silk number. You should hug your child as you are leaving because they are just as clean as you are and would never schmear peanut butter allover the back of your clothes. It is going to be a wild night of Cosmos (no more than 2) and stories about your children. Your spouse will not be texting you about where you put his teddy bear, or that he won't sleep or that maybe after some cocktails you might be in the mood for a little somethin somethin and so feel free to wake him up when you get home. No, he will only text once to say that instead of the couscous you put out for dinner, he served the child zucchini noodles with a tiny bit of extra virgin olive oil and a spritz of lemon. This is the perfect time to sigh loudly and say to the table "Dads! Amirite?" You make sure to Instagram your fab night out and wait for comments like "I just don't know how you do it all!" This is code for "You are a role model to us all!"
It is important that now that your child is able to talk and show that they are strong willed (this is the best! This means they will be successful!), that you take them to cultural events. Wagner is a great option for a child's first opera! Try to make it a sing along! The other audience members will be charmed by your child's ability to yell out "GIANTS! CHOO CHOO!" Also book a table at the swankiest restaurant in town and wave off the child's menu saying "He will have the oysters!" Talk about Descartes over the appetizers. Instagram this too. If you follow all of the above advice, you will be the perfect mother. I hope this guide was helpful! If you aren't 100 % fulfilled by raising your child every single day, you are doing it wrong. Welcome to motherhood!
Signed,
Tova (again, this was satire, no hate mail please)
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