Pro Elemis Collagen Facial
So yesterday I went for my super expensive facial that had won awards and apparently produced awesome results. I had a gift certificate from friends for my birthday so I used that to help subsidize the 120 euro price tag. Now, when I made the appointment, we didn't have an apartment on the horizon. We now have to save so these types of facials will be a once a year event, because, you know, cost.
I showed up at 12:20 for my 12:30 appointment and dreamt about our new apartment. Then just after 12:30, I was approached by a 12 year old gymnast who introduced herself and then led me upstairs. Usually when I get a normal facial, I am brought to the room on the right that has a fancy schmancy chair that tilts but this time, I was sent to the zen-like massage room.
The woman told me to take my top off and I kicked myself that I wore my grungy hot pink sports bra. I didn't realize this facial involved a little cleavage. She instructed me to lie down on the massage table and asked me to take off my socks. "Pardon?" I asked. "It's all part of the ritual. Your feet are cleansed and then rubbed down with oil." I didn't have the energy or the German to reply "What kind of whore house is this?" So I took off my socks and kicked myself for the disaster that are currently my hobbit feet. She also asked me to remove my bra and I thought "Meh, at least it is a nice room" and then I took it off. I don't think she found humour in the fact that I sling-shot that baby across the room. I just didn't really want her to touch it. Pretty grotty. I have no shame.
So this is kind of how the facial went, or rather, my internal dialogue throughout the almost 90 minute facial:
Ok, so she's cleaning my feet. That feels a little odd. I wonder how the Pope feels when he does it? Oooh! Is that oil? Feeling a little perverse now but that's ok.
She covers my feet with a towel and comes up to my head.
Gah! Da hell is that? Feels cold and smells like nail polish remover. Does it burn? OH GOD IT'S BURNING... oh, no, no it's not. I'm fine. Ooh, you're heading south.
She continues to my chest and the towel across my boobies slips
OH GOD MY BOOBIES ARE SHOWING! PUT THE TOWEL BACK UP! YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THEM! THEY ARE MUTANTS!!! Oh, ok, they are covered again. Deep breaths.
Now she applies cream to my face.
Ah. That's nice, rub that in. Wow, my face skin is super malleable. That's a big word - malleable. Blech. Better look into Pinterest for ideas on face firming. Ach! You are heading south again.
She starts to rub the cream into my chest.
OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU DIGGING INTO MY CHEST! OH MY GOD! YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK SKIN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?! OWWWWW! Oh thank God, she's done... ow.
She takes out some more cream and the whole process starts again. The above internal dialogue happened at least 4 times. There is a lot of cream involved in this facial. Then she tells me she is putting a peeling on.
Peel, what a funny word. Peel, peel, peeeeel. Am I high? Oh wait, oh crap. Itchy nose. ITCHY NOSE! I CAN'T SCRATCH IT! Oh God! Your finger was just there, no, more to the left, no, up, OH MY GOD! PLEASE SCRATCH IT! I AM GOING TO DIE! SCRATCH IT!!! Oh wait, it's gone. No worries. Carry on.
Peel mask is off. Now she is oiling up my arms.
I'm a turkey. Being basted. Gobble. Gobble. No, seriously, am I high? What is in that oil?
Arm massage is over and she informs me it is time for the final mask.
Ah. Eye compress. That feels nice. Wait? What's that smell? Rotting pumpkin? AAAAAHHHH! That shit's cold and thick. Gah!
She finishes applying the mask and then leaves the room
La. la. la. la. Dum dee dum. I wonder what colour the mask is. Probably green. Green is a good mask colour. I wonder what time it is. I can't wait to see the apartment again this afternoon. I wonder what it will be like in the summer. La. la. la. Where is she? Do you think she went shopping? Maybe she forgot about me. I wonder if that happens. Maybe if she forgets about me and I keep this mask on for 3 hours, I'll look even younger. I wond... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Yup. I fell asleep. For how long? Who knows. But let me just say how incredibly terrifying it is to wake up without the ability to open your eyes or having the sensation that a plastic chair has melted and cooled allover your face. A melted chair that smells like rotting pumpkin.
When the mask was finally taken off, I stumbled out of the room all blurry eyed, mumbled a thank you and tripped down the stairs. It took me a good solid 30 minutes to come down. They must pump something into the rooms because I felt zen-like.
So, to quickly sum up; the facial is quite an experience. It involves a lot of creams and peeling and for all I know she used Vaseline and sand paper. But, and there is a but, I have to say that my skin started to look pretty good by Sunday evening. It is definitely smoother and a little bit more elastic. Putting on my make up this morning, I noticed fewer lines around my eyes and the best part of all was that my chest area is looking a lot better! And no bruises, thank you jeebus. So, I give this facial an 8 out of 10. Ta da.
I showed up at 12:20 for my 12:30 appointment and dreamt about our new apartment. Then just after 12:30, I was approached by a 12 year old gymnast who introduced herself and then led me upstairs. Usually when I get a normal facial, I am brought to the room on the right that has a fancy schmancy chair that tilts but this time, I was sent to the zen-like massage room.
The woman told me to take my top off and I kicked myself that I wore my grungy hot pink sports bra. I didn't realize this facial involved a little cleavage. She instructed me to lie down on the massage table and asked me to take off my socks. "Pardon?" I asked. "It's all part of the ritual. Your feet are cleansed and then rubbed down with oil." I didn't have the energy or the German to reply "What kind of whore house is this?" So I took off my socks and kicked myself for the disaster that are currently my hobbit feet. She also asked me to remove my bra and I thought "Meh, at least it is a nice room" and then I took it off. I don't think she found humour in the fact that I sling-shot that baby across the room. I just didn't really want her to touch it. Pretty grotty. I have no shame.
So this is kind of how the facial went, or rather, my internal dialogue throughout the almost 90 minute facial:
Ok, so she's cleaning my feet. That feels a little odd. I wonder how the Pope feels when he does it? Oooh! Is that oil? Feeling a little perverse now but that's ok.
She covers my feet with a towel and comes up to my head.
Gah! Da hell is that? Feels cold and smells like nail polish remover. Does it burn? OH GOD IT'S BURNING... oh, no, no it's not. I'm fine. Ooh, you're heading south.
She continues to my chest and the towel across my boobies slips
OH GOD MY BOOBIES ARE SHOWING! PUT THE TOWEL BACK UP! YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THEM! THEY ARE MUTANTS!!! Oh, ok, they are covered again. Deep breaths.
Now she applies cream to my face.
Ah. That's nice, rub that in. Wow, my face skin is super malleable. That's a big word - malleable. Blech. Better look into Pinterest for ideas on face firming. Ach! You are heading south again.
She starts to rub the cream into my chest.
OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU DIGGING INTO MY CHEST! OH MY GOD! YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK SKIN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?! OWWWWW! Oh thank God, she's done... ow.
She takes out some more cream and the whole process starts again. The above internal dialogue happened at least 4 times. There is a lot of cream involved in this facial. Then she tells me she is putting a peeling on.
Peel, what a funny word. Peel, peel, peeeeel. Am I high? Oh wait, oh crap. Itchy nose. ITCHY NOSE! I CAN'T SCRATCH IT! Oh God! Your finger was just there, no, more to the left, no, up, OH MY GOD! PLEASE SCRATCH IT! I AM GOING TO DIE! SCRATCH IT!!! Oh wait, it's gone. No worries. Carry on.
Peel mask is off. Now she is oiling up my arms.
I'm a turkey. Being basted. Gobble. Gobble. No, seriously, am I high? What is in that oil?
Arm massage is over and she informs me it is time for the final mask.
Ah. Eye compress. That feels nice. Wait? What's that smell? Rotting pumpkin? AAAAAHHHH! That shit's cold and thick. Gah!
She finishes applying the mask and then leaves the room
La. la. la. la. Dum dee dum. I wonder what colour the mask is. Probably green. Green is a good mask colour. I wonder what time it is. I can't wait to see the apartment again this afternoon. I wonder what it will be like in the summer. La. la. la. Where is she? Do you think she went shopping? Maybe she forgot about me. I wonder if that happens. Maybe if she forgets about me and I keep this mask on for 3 hours, I'll look even younger. I wond... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Yup. I fell asleep. For how long? Who knows. But let me just say how incredibly terrifying it is to wake up without the ability to open your eyes or having the sensation that a plastic chair has melted and cooled allover your face. A melted chair that smells like rotting pumpkin.
When the mask was finally taken off, I stumbled out of the room all blurry eyed, mumbled a thank you and tripped down the stairs. It took me a good solid 30 minutes to come down. They must pump something into the rooms because I felt zen-like.
So, to quickly sum up; the facial is quite an experience. It involves a lot of creams and peeling and for all I know she used Vaseline and sand paper. But, and there is a but, I have to say that my skin started to look pretty good by Sunday evening. It is definitely smoother and a little bit more elastic. Putting on my make up this morning, I noticed fewer lines around my eyes and the best part of all was that my chest area is looking a lot better! And no bruises, thank you jeebus. So, I give this facial an 8 out of 10. Ta da.
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