The Tovaness Project
For the most part, I am a pretty happy person. I have had a crazy past 18 months and the seizure back in February was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. Since that event. my perspective has changed a lot. That week in the hospital and then the MRI a couple of weeks later, shook me to the core. The devastation I felt was something I have never felt in my life. It was life changing and it made me realize what truly is important to me. It made me realize that I am a good mom. It made me realize that the Husband and I need to work as a team and it made me realize that whatever diagnosis the Kid receives won't mean a thing as long as he is still his giggly and healthy and lovely self.
When you are hit by bad news, over and over again, it is easy to fall into a hole. There were times I felt like I was drowning but I kept treading water until I made it to shore. I am grateful for the terrible experiences because I feel that I can truly be grateful for what I have now. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to enjoy every minute that I have. I want to be present. Do I do this? Not all the time.
I am currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (hence the obviously blatant rip off title of this post) and I am intrigued with the idea of finding inner happiness. I have mentioned it before, but I truly believe in visualization to get what I want.. but that isn't exactly the same as being happy. The getting of stuff makes me happy but I am talking more about internal happiness. I also (when I remember to write in it) have a gratitude journal where I try to write down 5-10 things I am grateful for everyday. This really put me in a better mood and it makes me realize how much I have. But is this enough?
I don't think so. I have spent some time thinking about what makes me happy and here is a little list:
1. My son
2. The Husband
3. My friends
4. My apartment
5. Praise (oh God I need constant praise. Not compliments on physical aspects because I don't want people to lie, but more awe about my centerpieces, insane energy and cooking skills. PAY ATTENTION TO MY TALENTS! PRAISE ME!)
6. Planning parties and events
7. Writing
8. Bad TV
9. Getting exercise
10. Culture, food and wine
11. Fashion
12. Getting and giving gifts
I want to be able to steer my life in the direction of what makes me happy. I think we all do. But how do I get there? What changes to my life can I make to ensure that I am going about it to get to my personal "happy". According to Gretchen Rubin's book, happiness does not come solely from the achievement of something, but rather the process towards achieving the goal. I see that for myself. When I am planning a party, the sheer excitement of planning it; thinking of decorations, creating a menu, getting blotto the night before because my damn quiche looks like a souffle.... is an aphrodisiac for me. It's a legal high. High on life! Woot! #lamemommysentence But it is true, sometimes the planning is the ultimate happiness for me.
I find that I spend a lot of time thinking to myself "Once I lose weight, write a book, quit my job, get the Kid speaking, then I will be happier." It's like I have put an expectation that once completing something or changing something in my life, I will only then be able to be truly happy. And that, my friends, is kind of terrible. I'm wasting time thinking "once I..." instead of thinking "now". So how on Earth can I attain happiness right now while still chubby, not working my dream job and still only a quarter of the way through my book?
I need a plan. And I need attainable goals and I am starting today. I want to incorporate things from my happy list into my daily life. I want to start living now and start working towards my dream life. Now, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of fabulous things about my life. But I want to really enjoy my life as it is now and shape it in the way I want it to be in the future. I'm scared that even 5 years from now I will look back and still be worried about my weight, unhappy that I am not writing full time, seeing the Kid still struggling and that I haven't been happy through out. I can't change the way people treat me or make me feel. I can only control me. I need to find my internal happiness and translate that into everything I do. Of course I cannot just say "fuck it! I'm going to become a writer and wear pink tracksuits every day!" because I have rent to pay and a child with expensive therapy bills and I like pretty things. But maybe, just maybe, I can start working harder towards my goals while enjoying the process and not just looking forward to the end result.
So here is the first step of the Tovaness Project:
Post everyday a picture of something that makes me happy (I know, I know, this is done all the time by Facebook friends and I once attempted it but never got past day 14).
I also need to write a list of weekly and or monthly goals to incorporate into my daily life that will bring me happiness. The very first one I have stolen from Gretchen Rubin: Lighten Up. So I am going to lighten up at home. For one week, I will not nag, criticize or roll my eyes at the Husband. I will lighten up and I will try and be fun. This will be hard but I am curious to see that if I act truly happy and easy going, will the Husband follow suit? Or will there be a follow-up e-mail sent to him at the end of the week, itemizing everything he did wrong while I was trying to BE A FUN WIFE, DAMMIT! I can't wait to get started! Good thing I am working later tonight because I need to ease myself into the "Don't be a bitch wife" week thing.
So stay tuned for my daily HAPPPPPPYYYY picture posts and for what the next step will be. And if I am not a happier person within a few months, I'm getting lipo, botox and selling a kidney. Happy!!!
I am currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (hence the obviously blatant rip off title of this post) and I am intrigued with the idea of finding inner happiness. I have mentioned it before, but I truly believe in visualization to get what I want.. but that isn't exactly the same as being happy. The getting of stuff makes me happy but I am talking more about internal happiness. I also (when I remember to write in it) have a gratitude journal where I try to write down 5-10 things I am grateful for everyday. This really put me in a better mood and it makes me realize how much I have. But is this enough?
I don't think so. I have spent some time thinking about what makes me happy and here is a little list:
1. My son
2. The Husband
3. My friends
4. My apartment
5. Praise (oh God I need constant praise. Not compliments on physical aspects because I don't want people to lie, but more awe about my centerpieces, insane energy and cooking skills. PAY ATTENTION TO MY TALENTS! PRAISE ME!)
6. Planning parties and events
7. Writing
8. Bad TV
9. Getting exercise
10. Culture, food and wine
11. Fashion
12. Getting and giving gifts
I want to be able to steer my life in the direction of what makes me happy. I think we all do. But how do I get there? What changes to my life can I make to ensure that I am going about it to get to my personal "happy". According to Gretchen Rubin's book, happiness does not come solely from the achievement of something, but rather the process towards achieving the goal. I see that for myself. When I am planning a party, the sheer excitement of planning it; thinking of decorations, creating a menu, getting blotto the night before because my damn quiche looks like a souffle.... is an aphrodisiac for me. It's a legal high. High on life! Woot! #lamemommysentence But it is true, sometimes the planning is the ultimate happiness for me.
I find that I spend a lot of time thinking to myself "Once I lose weight, write a book, quit my job, get the Kid speaking, then I will be happier." It's like I have put an expectation that once completing something or changing something in my life, I will only then be able to be truly happy. And that, my friends, is kind of terrible. I'm wasting time thinking "once I..." instead of thinking "now". So how on Earth can I attain happiness right now while still chubby, not working my dream job and still only a quarter of the way through my book?
I need a plan. And I need attainable goals and I am starting today. I want to incorporate things from my happy list into my daily life. I want to start living now and start working towards my dream life. Now, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of fabulous things about my life. But I want to really enjoy my life as it is now and shape it in the way I want it to be in the future. I'm scared that even 5 years from now I will look back and still be worried about my weight, unhappy that I am not writing full time, seeing the Kid still struggling and that I haven't been happy through out. I can't change the way people treat me or make me feel. I can only control me. I need to find my internal happiness and translate that into everything I do. Of course I cannot just say "fuck it! I'm going to become a writer and wear pink tracksuits every day!" because I have rent to pay and a child with expensive therapy bills and I like pretty things. But maybe, just maybe, I can start working harder towards my goals while enjoying the process and not just looking forward to the end result.
So here is the first step of the Tovaness Project:
Post everyday a picture of something that makes me happy (I know, I know, this is done all the time by Facebook friends and I once attempted it but never got past day 14).
I also need to write a list of weekly and or monthly goals to incorporate into my daily life that will bring me happiness. The very first one I have stolen from Gretchen Rubin: Lighten Up. So I am going to lighten up at home. For one week, I will not nag, criticize or roll my eyes at the Husband. I will lighten up and I will try and be fun. This will be hard but I am curious to see that if I act truly happy and easy going, will the Husband follow suit? Or will there be a follow-up e-mail sent to him at the end of the week, itemizing everything he did wrong while I was trying to BE A FUN WIFE, DAMMIT! I can't wait to get started! Good thing I am working later tonight because I need to ease myself into the "Don't be a bitch wife" week thing.
So stay tuned for my daily HAPPPPPPYYYY picture posts and for what the next step will be. And if I am not a happier person within a few months, I'm getting lipo, botox and selling a kidney. Happy!!!
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