A Royal Christmas - a Tova Re-cap
A big thank you to Lauren for helping me pick a Hallmark film to watch! I was leaning towards this one when I first spied the list and her vote helped sway me. So I sat down and watched a Royal Christmas and well, I wish I had been drinking because dear lord.
Starring Lacey Chabert or for my Mean Girls fans out there, Gretchen Wieners! And of course the THE SHE DON'T AGE BECAUSE SHE OBVIOUSLY BATHES IN THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS, Jane Seymour. We start off with some easy listening FM music and lots and lots of snow and pretty brownstone houses. We enter the small but charming apartment of Emily Taylor. The doorbell rings and she rushes to answer it playing the old "pretend I don't know who you are" game to the tall and handsome man standing at her door. Stupid game. Don't worry viewers, he isn't a psycho killer... he's he's he's her boyfriend. And he has an accent. Swoon. She has made him pancakes and he sits down and eats them and they are all blah blah love you blah blah. Her roommate rushes in because we need to meet the sassy friend. They finish breakfast and she talks about how she wants to be a fashion designer because of course she does.
She works in her father's shop which is a tailor shop and his last name is Taylor and come on now Hallmark writers! Care a little! Her dad is gruff but loveable. Boyfriend with the accent (his name is Leo, btw) comes in and dad makes a little jab like "Why you have no job yet, Leo?" and Emily is like "Daaaad, he just finished his MBA." Actually, dad has a point. It's like, December and Leo probably graduated back in May. Get off your ass, Leo. Then Leo says he need to meet Emily for dinner at Chez Henri or Louis or Emile or something. Back at her apartment, her friend is all "Oh no, public place might mean he wants to break up with you, but fancy French restaurant might mean he wants to propose!" Way to be helpful douche friend!
Emily shows up all nervous and they sit and drink wine and then Leo is like bum bum buuuuum "I have to tell you something." And she is like "Oh crap! You are married!" and he is like "Dayum, bitch, lemme finish." he doesn't but that would have been funny. He goes on "Actually, I am a prince. My name is Prince Leopold of the country of Cordonia." and she is like "What?!" and he shows her a picture of himself dressed like a Disney prince and she buys it.
Turns out Cordinia is a kingdom in the South of France. So, it's like Monaco then. Right? She is incredulous and can't believe he didn't tell her during the almost one year of them dating. And I can't believe she did not Google stalk the shit out of him when they started making out. I mean, come on now. Me thinks Emily knew. Player. So he invites her to his kingdom for Christmas because of course that is the best time to bring your piece of ass to meet the family. So she leaves widowed dad back in Philly and jets off to Cordinia/Monaco. They arrive after what must have been Philly to New York, New York to Paris, Paris to Cordinia and her hair is still all bouncey and stuff so I think they might have traveled first class. I was already to blast Hallmark's choice of "palace" for this film but they actually chose a decent place and turns out they filmed in Bucharest which is super awesome because I lived there in the 80's. Sure did not look like Cordinia back then. We are introduced to the queen before the prodigal son and his American girlfriend arrive and we find out that she is a bitch. But yet, the butler seems to be the only one who can kind of maybe boss her around and I am totally picking up on some sexual tension between the two. Naughty, Hallmark, naughty.
Of course the queen meets Emily and pretty much shreds her to pieces passively aggressively and straight up aggressively and I just want to start yelling RUN, BITCH, RUN!
The queen serves her haggis and the son kind of puts up with the emotional abuse his mother is doling out. Dysfunctional family. Good times. Emily and Leo are all kinds of cutesy lovesie gag me with a spoon. She is all wide eyed and sweet and making friends with the servants because she is a good person and blah blah blah. They head into town and for the first time she sees that Leo is kind of a big deal in his country. They meet an orphan selling Christmas trees and me thinks that there is some foreshadowing happening here. Nail biter. Back at the palace, a dinner is about to happen and Emily finally meets Natasha who turns out to be the one that the queen wanted her son to marry. Of course Natasha is a duchess and tall and rich and stuff but Leo is all like "Nah, that bitch? I want you, you trusting naive American." Like, really, did she not even look him up on Linkedin?
At the dinner Emily meets the Duke and Duchess of Surrey, the Count and Countess of Tesco, the Earl of Shortbread, etc. And it all goes disastrously wrong much to the amusement of the queen. Of course the queen is still conniving to get Natasha and Leo back together so she organizes a morning ride on horses and of course Philly Emily ends up hanging with the staff back at the palace and ends up having a blast. She is interrupted by one of the Baronesses (who is unable to conceive. This is important) from the night before and they become friends because Emily is just so gosh darn adorable! They head into town and they meet the orphan Poppy again and again, stay tuned for the foreshadowing. Leo the prince is busy on official duties with his mother: ground breaking ceremony, peace treaty signing, candle lighting in church. Emily of course takes this opportunity to have the butler teach her how to be a proper lady a la Pretty Woman. Uuuugghhh. And there's waltzing. Note to self: Still need to learn to do that! Need to find British butler to teach me.
Of course the queen has told Emily that she must wear the same dress she wore the year she got engaged and it turns out to be a horrendous Laura Ashley peach thing but remember, Emily Taylor is a tailor so let's Pretty in Pink this dress. And boom! Now it is the Christmas ball and Emily walks down the stairs in the dress but this time with applique and chiffon and I am hard pressed to believe that was the same damn dress. I think she might have gone to David's Bridal.
Foiled again, queen! Emily acts perfectly at the ball thanks to the kindly butler's tutoring earlier in the day. And oh yeah, the prince tells the butler he is going to propose to Emily after the ball. Oh and that orphan I mentioned, totally is going to get adopted by one of the noble families from the dinner. CALLED IT! Anyway, Natasha ends up stealing the prince for a dance and Emily heads to the kitchen to chat with the staff and then she teaches them how to make a hoagie because of course she does. The queen walks in and fires the two staff that Emily has befriended and pretty much says that Emily needs to know her place. Upset, Emily heads to her room to pack. Leo comes in and then proposes but Emily turns him down. The queen is listening at the door as she hears Leo say he will give up the crown for her but that just isn't good enough for Miss Emily. And wait a second, why the hell am I crying? DAMN YOU HALLMARK! And what is wrong with me?!?
The next morning Emily says good bye to the butler and the two now fired staff (Thanks a lot, American girl). The queen watches from the window. Leo stands at the car and says he loves her but Emily says she must go. Leo watches her leave and then the queen has a talk with the butler and realizes she was wrong and that Emily is the perfect woman to marry her son. She then calls in Leo and says that she had been in love with a commoner who called her "Izzy" (her name is Isadora. I'm guessing a traditional Cordinian name?) but she chose a royal instead. But now she wants her son to be happy and oh my God why am I crying again?!? She gives her blessing and her son heads out to get Emily. Then the queen and the butler are alone and she is all like "Call me Izzy like you used to." AND I KNEW IT! Poor guy had to watch this lady get married to another man and then have a kid with him all while being her servant. Dude, have some love for yourself.
Back in snowy Philly, Emily sighs and sews and then there is Leo, out on the street, looking sad. She heads outside and her dad and friend watch from the door and Leo proposes again and Emily says "But your mother...." and thenDr. Quinn Medicine Woman the queen gets out of the car and is all like "No, I'm down with this." and then Leo proposes and it is a happy moment and Yaay! And then we see Emily walk down the aisle and her father says "You will always be my princess." and now I am straight out bawling and I haven't had a drink. I need help. So there you have it. A Royal Christmas. Such utter but incredible and predictable crap. Oh and I deserve a medal for not using the term "fetch" once in this review. Good for you, Glenn Coco. Can't wait for the next film!
Starring Lacey Chabert or for my Mean Girls fans out there, Gretchen Wieners! And of course the THE SHE DON'T AGE BECAUSE SHE OBVIOUSLY BATHES IN THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS, Jane Seymour. We start off with some easy listening FM music and lots and lots of snow and pretty brownstone houses. We enter the small but charming apartment of Emily Taylor. The doorbell rings and she rushes to answer it playing the old "pretend I don't know who you are" game to the tall and handsome man standing at her door. Stupid game. Don't worry viewers, he isn't a psycho killer... he's he's he's her boyfriend. And he has an accent. Swoon. She has made him pancakes and he sits down and eats them and they are all blah blah love you blah blah. Her roommate rushes in because we need to meet the sassy friend. They finish breakfast and she talks about how she wants to be a fashion designer because of course she does.
She works in her father's shop which is a tailor shop and his last name is Taylor and come on now Hallmark writers! Care a little! Her dad is gruff but loveable. Boyfriend with the accent (his name is Leo, btw) comes in and dad makes a little jab like "Why you have no job yet, Leo?" and Emily is like "Daaaad, he just finished his MBA." Actually, dad has a point. It's like, December and Leo probably graduated back in May. Get off your ass, Leo. Then Leo says he need to meet Emily for dinner at Chez Henri or Louis or Emile or something. Back at her apartment, her friend is all "Oh no, public place might mean he wants to break up with you, but fancy French restaurant might mean he wants to propose!" Way to be helpful douche friend!
Emily shows up all nervous and they sit and drink wine and then Leo is like bum bum buuuuum "I have to tell you something." And she is like "Oh crap! You are married!" and he is like "Dayum, bitch, lemme finish." he doesn't but that would have been funny. He goes on "Actually, I am a prince. My name is Prince Leopold of the country of Cordonia." and she is like "What?!" and he shows her a picture of himself dressed like a Disney prince and she buys it.
Turns out Cordinia is a kingdom in the South of France. So, it's like Monaco then. Right? She is incredulous and can't believe he didn't tell her during the almost one year of them dating. And I can't believe she did not Google stalk the shit out of him when they started making out. I mean, come on now. Me thinks Emily knew. Player. So he invites her to his kingdom for Christmas because of course that is the best time to bring your piece of ass to meet the family. So she leaves widowed dad back in Philly and jets off to Cordinia/Monaco. They arrive after what must have been Philly to New York, New York to Paris, Paris to Cordinia and her hair is still all bouncey and stuff so I think they might have traveled first class. I was already to blast Hallmark's choice of "palace" for this film but they actually chose a decent place and turns out they filmed in Bucharest which is super awesome because I lived there in the 80's. Sure did not look like Cordinia back then. We are introduced to the queen before the prodigal son and his American girlfriend arrive and we find out that she is a bitch. But yet, the butler seems to be the only one who can kind of maybe boss her around and I am totally picking up on some sexual tension between the two. Naughty, Hallmark, naughty.
Of course the queen meets Emily and pretty much shreds her to pieces passively aggressively and straight up aggressively and I just want to start yelling RUN, BITCH, RUN!
The queen serves her haggis and the son kind of puts up with the emotional abuse his mother is doling out. Dysfunctional family. Good times. Emily and Leo are all kinds of cutesy lovesie gag me with a spoon. She is all wide eyed and sweet and making friends with the servants because she is a good person and blah blah blah. They head into town and for the first time she sees that Leo is kind of a big deal in his country. They meet an orphan selling Christmas trees and me thinks that there is some foreshadowing happening here. Nail biter. Back at the palace, a dinner is about to happen and Emily finally meets Natasha who turns out to be the one that the queen wanted her son to marry. Of course Natasha is a duchess and tall and rich and stuff but Leo is all like "Nah, that bitch? I want you, you trusting naive American." Like, really, did she not even look him up on Linkedin?
At the dinner Emily meets the Duke and Duchess of Surrey, the Count and Countess of Tesco, the Earl of Shortbread, etc. And it all goes disastrously wrong much to the amusement of the queen. Of course the queen is still conniving to get Natasha and Leo back together so she organizes a morning ride on horses and of course Philly Emily ends up hanging with the staff back at the palace and ends up having a blast. She is interrupted by one of the Baronesses (who is unable to conceive. This is important) from the night before and they become friends because Emily is just so gosh darn adorable! They head into town and they meet the orphan Poppy again and again, stay tuned for the foreshadowing. Leo the prince is busy on official duties with his mother: ground breaking ceremony, peace treaty signing, candle lighting in church. Emily of course takes this opportunity to have the butler teach her how to be a proper lady a la Pretty Woman. Uuuugghhh. And there's waltzing. Note to self: Still need to learn to do that! Need to find British butler to teach me.
Of course the queen has told Emily that she must wear the same dress she wore the year she got engaged and it turns out to be a horrendous Laura Ashley peach thing but remember, Emily Taylor is a tailor so let's Pretty in Pink this dress. And boom! Now it is the Christmas ball and Emily walks down the stairs in the dress but this time with applique and chiffon and I am hard pressed to believe that was the same damn dress. I think she might have gone to David's Bridal.
Foiled again, queen! Emily acts perfectly at the ball thanks to the kindly butler's tutoring earlier in the day. And oh yeah, the prince tells the butler he is going to propose to Emily after the ball. Oh and that orphan I mentioned, totally is going to get adopted by one of the noble families from the dinner. CALLED IT! Anyway, Natasha ends up stealing the prince for a dance and Emily heads to the kitchen to chat with the staff and then she teaches them how to make a hoagie because of course she does. The queen walks in and fires the two staff that Emily has befriended and pretty much says that Emily needs to know her place. Upset, Emily heads to her room to pack. Leo comes in and then proposes but Emily turns him down. The queen is listening at the door as she hears Leo say he will give up the crown for her but that just isn't good enough for Miss Emily. And wait a second, why the hell am I crying? DAMN YOU HALLMARK! And what is wrong with me?!?
The next morning Emily says good bye to the butler and the two now fired staff (Thanks a lot, American girl). The queen watches from the window. Leo stands at the car and says he loves her but Emily says she must go. Leo watches her leave and then the queen has a talk with the butler and realizes she was wrong and that Emily is the perfect woman to marry her son. She then calls in Leo and says that she had been in love with a commoner who called her "Izzy" (her name is Isadora. I'm guessing a traditional Cordinian name?) but she chose a royal instead. But now she wants her son to be happy and oh my God why am I crying again?!? She gives her blessing and her son heads out to get Emily. Then the queen and the butler are alone and she is all like "Call me Izzy like you used to." AND I KNEW IT! Poor guy had to watch this lady get married to another man and then have a kid with him all while being her servant. Dude, have some love for yourself.
Back in snowy Philly, Emily sighs and sews and then there is Leo, out on the street, looking sad. She heads outside and her dad and friend watch from the door and Leo proposes again and Emily says "But your mother...." and then
Comments
Post a Comment