Bikram Yoga Poses 1-9 - My Interpretation

So I have now done Bikram about 18 times. I am hooked.Am I seeing a difference in flexibility? Slightly. Otherwise, I'm still grunting when I bend over to pick up some cheese that fell on the floor. I attend class at the Bikram Yoga Loft in Vienna in the 4th district and I have to say that they are the bunch of friendliest instructors I have ever met. Not that I know many instructors but I like to think that this bunch is special. In a few days I will write a Do and Don't list about attempting Bikram but for the next couple of posts, I wanted to write about the 26 different poses and what they are good for and of course my personal names for them (swearing has been edited out). This will probably lead to me being shamed and named sometime in the future. I love you Bikram Yoga Loft, please don't kick me out!

Anywho. Let's break down the first nine plus the breathing exercise to start.

At the beginning of the class, there is the warm-up (Oh, I'm sorry, I'm already sweating at this point, let's just call it the start).

Standing Deep breathing pose: Pranayama
(Translation: Checking to see if I Shaved my Pits)

Benefits according to me: You sweat more than you do standing still.
Real benefits: Getting a lot of good old fashioned air...hot air.


Half-moon pose with Hands-to-feet pose: Ardha Chandrasana with Pada Hastasana
(Translation: I'm Going to Snap in Half with I'm Going to Hurl)

Benefits according to me: You learn that you can't snap in half...yet.
Real benefits: A full body exercise that is great for lower back pain.


Awkard pose: Utkatasana
(Translation: Awkard pose or Never Wearing a Thong to Class Again)

Benefits according to me: Don't ask me, I'm currently considering surgery to remove fabric from somewhere that shall not be mentioned.
Real benefits: Heals chronically cold feet, strengthens arms and legs, increases hip flexibility and so much more.

Eagle pose: Garurasana
(Translation: Crap. Crap. Crap)

Benefits according to me: Nada because my stupid T-Rex arms and stumpy legs can't do.this.at.all.
Real benefits: Reduces varicose veins, enhances lymphatic functions, etc.

Standing head-to-knee pose: Dandayamana Janushirasana
(Translation: Nope. Not today)

Benefits according to me: Get to assess my need for another pedicure
Real benefits: Tightens abdominal and thigh muscles, lessens diabetic disorders, increased flexibility of sciatic nerves, etc.

Standing bow-pulling pose: Dandayamana dhanurasana
(Translation: I'm Tonya Harding, bitches!)

Benefits according to me: I'm Tonya Harding, bitches!
Real benefits: Reduces abdominal fat, enhances spinal elasticity, etc.


Balancing stick pose: Tuladandasana
(Translation: I'm King of the World...After I throw up, first)

Benefits according to me: I get to see my sweat pool beneath me on my towel
Real benefits: Relieves spinal stress, improves posture, etc.


Standing-separate-leg stretching pose: Dandayamana bibhaktapada paschimottanasana
(Translation: Please no one be looking at me from the window behind me, please... or Found my keys!)

Benefits according to me: My ribs seem to get caught up in my internal organs.
Real benefits: Boosts circulation to brain and adrenal glands, prevents sciatica, etc.


Triangle pose: Trikanasana
(Translation: Getting my TV Guide that fell behind the desk)

Benefits according to me: Got mah TV Guide!
Real benefits: Works all muscle groups at the same time, mitigates effects of low blood pressure, constipation (stupid delicious cheese), etc.


So those are the first 9 of the series. Hope you enjoyed my names for the poses. Trademarking that right now, motherlovers. Have a great day and stay tuned for the next 9!

Namaste, motherlovers!