Home Sick and a Meltdown
Well, I have an upper respiratory tract infection. Of course I do. Last week I was battling a cold but I didn't battle well enough. Yesterday I was able to see a doctor (thank you private health insurance and your crazy crazy snob-inducing ways). He was a new doctor for me - Spanish and passionate and I kind of wished he would have tangoed me out of the office and instead of a rose in my mouth, a prescription. I did get mah drugs and now I am just trying to sleep the bug off. SLEEP IT OFF! Why did I get sick? Stress of course. And Friday night was the night that I finally allowed myself to open the floodgates and let that sickness in (and yes I took an early Saturday morning walk because Mommy no like to sit still).
So on Friday night, the Husband and I were having dinner and he mentioned something (not that important) and it just triggered me. I collapsed emotionally and the ugly cry began. Full out wails and deep gulps and snot bubbles. I was crying for everything. The past year has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically (the weight gain is not just due to my love of cheese). Our marriage has gone through a lot of strain. My mental health has suffered. And while I seem to put on a happy face - and for the most part I have been happy because that is what I do - my insides have been dying. I cried for the crappy treatment by the daycare, I cried for all the specialist appointments we have been too, I cried for the autism diagnosis, the not autism diagnosis, the maybe autism diagnosis, I cried for the failed attempt at the new daycare, I cried for the times I didn't cry, I cried for the unfairness of it all.
The Husband held me and listened and for a good hour I sobbed and I went through anger, grief and denial in a cycle. I have had bad days and I have cried but I hadn't let myself lose it like I did on Friday night. I'm a fixer and I hate needing help so I have tried my darndest to "stay positive" but there is only so much I can take. And I took it, until Friday. I have a 3 year old that I love more than anything in the world who I cannot have a conversation with. I have a beautiful son who fills me up with so much love that I am terrified. A child that has full out meltdowns that require him to be restrained until he calms down. We haven't had a "normal" life in a very long time and it's not fair. It's not fair that we can't do normal things, like visit museums or restaurants. It's not fair that I know people stare at him to try and see if there is something off about him - like autism is catching or there is a mole that shows he has it. It's not fair that we are not invited to other kid events. It's not fair. It's not fair. But life isn't fair and I am the first to say that. I have soldiered on and I have done all that I can do to keep it together because I have falsely believed that if I lose it, then this small family will fall apart.
And so, when I lost it on Friday, I waited for the Husband to also lose it but he didn't. After my hour of crying he quietly said with a smile "Everything will be alright. We just have to take another path than most parents take. It might take longer but when we get there, it will be the most incredible thing." and with that, I stopped crying. Dude! Da hell?! Why are you so amazing? All this time I have been fighting a fight I didn't have to fight. I raged against the unfairness all on my own, trying to protect the people I love the most. But I didn't protect me. I hate pity, I hate the idea of being a martyr, I hate defeat. But I am starting to see that I have been fighting myself. Life isn't fair but life is pretty amazing.
During my meltdown, I explained to the Husband that I see our new apartment as not just an awesome place for selfies, but as a symbol. It is a symbol of change and of hope and a fresh start. I also said something like, and I am paraphrasing here "and that's why I bought another super huge chandelier the other day..." to which he was like "What new chandelier?! HOW MANY HAVE YOU BOUGHT?!?" and then I started crying again and talked about our fresh start. I may have lost it, but I'm still me.
And so, that was my very very honest post. It must be the meds or the fact that Friday was a bit of a turning point for me. I am so very blessed in my life and as the Husband says "it might take longer but when we get there, it will be the most incredible thing."
The End
So on Friday night, the Husband and I were having dinner and he mentioned something (not that important) and it just triggered me. I collapsed emotionally and the ugly cry began. Full out wails and deep gulps and snot bubbles. I was crying for everything. The past year has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically (the weight gain is not just due to my love of cheese). Our marriage has gone through a lot of strain. My mental health has suffered. And while I seem to put on a happy face - and for the most part I have been happy because that is what I do - my insides have been dying. I cried for the crappy treatment by the daycare, I cried for all the specialist appointments we have been too, I cried for the autism diagnosis, the not autism diagnosis, the maybe autism diagnosis, I cried for the failed attempt at the new daycare, I cried for the times I didn't cry, I cried for the unfairness of it all.
The Husband held me and listened and for a good hour I sobbed and I went through anger, grief and denial in a cycle. I have had bad days and I have cried but I hadn't let myself lose it like I did on Friday night. I'm a fixer and I hate needing help so I have tried my darndest to "stay positive" but there is only so much I can take. And I took it, until Friday. I have a 3 year old that I love more than anything in the world who I cannot have a conversation with. I have a beautiful son who fills me up with so much love that I am terrified. A child that has full out meltdowns that require him to be restrained until he calms down. We haven't had a "normal" life in a very long time and it's not fair. It's not fair that we can't do normal things, like visit museums or restaurants. It's not fair that I know people stare at him to try and see if there is something off about him - like autism is catching or there is a mole that shows he has it. It's not fair that we are not invited to other kid events. It's not fair. It's not fair. But life isn't fair and I am the first to say that. I have soldiered on and I have done all that I can do to keep it together because I have falsely believed that if I lose it, then this small family will fall apart.
And so, when I lost it on Friday, I waited for the Husband to also lose it but he didn't. After my hour of crying he quietly said with a smile "Everything will be alright. We just have to take another path than most parents take. It might take longer but when we get there, it will be the most incredible thing." and with that, I stopped crying. Dude! Da hell?! Why are you so amazing? All this time I have been fighting a fight I didn't have to fight. I raged against the unfairness all on my own, trying to protect the people I love the most. But I didn't protect me. I hate pity, I hate the idea of being a martyr, I hate defeat. But I am starting to see that I have been fighting myself. Life isn't fair but life is pretty amazing.
During my meltdown, I explained to the Husband that I see our new apartment as not just an awesome place for selfies, but as a symbol. It is a symbol of change and of hope and a fresh start. I also said something like, and I am paraphrasing here "and that's why I bought another super huge chandelier the other day..." to which he was like "What new chandelier?! HOW MANY HAVE YOU BOUGHT?!?" and then I started crying again and talked about our fresh start. I may have lost it, but I'm still me.
And so, that was my very very honest post. It must be the meds or the fact that Friday was a bit of a turning point for me. I am so very blessed in my life and as the Husband says "it might take longer but when we get there, it will be the most incredible thing."
The End
Unfairness BLOWS. This was exactly what I was thinking about this morning too, upon hearing news that a friend got tenure. That's great, of course, but it reminded me of how unfairly my situation went (both in terms of job and personal life) and now I want to cry. But I can't because I have to go to a job that I hate to teach about the freaking Holocaust of all topics for today. HOWEVER, this too shall pass. Very soon. My job ends in three weeks. Not even. Make that two weeks and five days. And then I get to do something else and go somewhere else and never ever come to Florida again under any circumstances (this is probably an exaggeration) and move to Boston and have Tom Brady leave Gisele for me (absolutely no exaggeration at all) and it will all be okay. The key thing here is that this too shall pass. I'm not sure if your situation will 'pass,' but at least you and G can both work on it together, even if it takes a long time and many chandeliers/mirrors.
ReplyDeleteAww Zoe! I want such good things for you! I think Boston will be an amazing change of scenery for you! You don't want Tom Brady, he builds moats on his house. MOATS! But I will be thinking of you! And you are right, this too shall pass!
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