Tova's Guide to the Viennese Coffee House Culture

It is no secret that I adore this city. It is a great town to live in and after almost a total of 17 years, I still speak the language terribly. My biggest complaint is how autism support is handled but besides that one major problem, I do love living here. There are a lot of complaints that people have when they first move here: people seem rude, you can't buy baking soda or food colouring, and shops are closed on Sundays. But over time you learn to live with most of the above. The customer service is renowned for its surliness... especially in the famous coffee houses around the city. I have lived here so long that I don't even notice it anymore. The waiter would have to call me fat for it to even register... I am totally serious. You need to scratch the surface to really appreciate the dry and acerbic humor the waiters throw at you. They like you if they act like complete dicks while cracking a joke.

Vienna and its coffee houses are like wine and cheese. They must go together. There have been countless books and articles written about coffee houses and their influence on 20th and even 21st century politics. But I bet none of them used the word "dicks", so there you go. There are so many places to go to in Vienna and I have been to most of the major ones but of course I have a few favourites. Just like parents of multiple kids.

So here is my guide to getting the most of your Viennese coffee house experience:

Never ever go when you need to be somewhere in 20 minutes. This is not Starbucks. This is not a place to get a quick shot of caffeine and then dash. The amazing thing about Vienna coffee houses is that you can pretty much spend your whole damn afternoon there and nobody will care. If you go to a restaurant or coffee house, there will be reserved signs for 7 p.m. when it is only 1 in the afternoon. This isn't stopping you from taking a seat there, but it is politely telling you that you have to be gone within the next 6 hours. Waiters in Vienna make living wages so they aren't too concerned about losing out on a 1 euro tip. Sit, stay a while. (Not like below though, this isn't Central Perk)

There are lots of variations of coffee in Vienna. It kind of became a big deal when the Ottoman Empire tried to invade the city in the 1500's. When they retreated, they left a lot of awesome coffee and stuff and thus caffeine was suddenly the it girl. The most common types of coffee are melange, verlaengerter, kleiner Brauner and a cafe Latte. I usually order a melange because it is the easiest to pronounce. Actually, I usually order a glass of wine because I am the boss of me. The most common trait of Vienna coffee houses is how they serve your coffee: always on a silver tray with a teeny tiny glass of water (is this a glass for ants?). While coffee is the main show, there are some strong supporting actors. You can always get sausages with a roll and mustard. There are cakes (creamy cakes, so much cream). And sometimes you can even get a salad (potato is a vegetable here). And jackpot if they serve goulasch and schnitzel. They might bring a basket of bread but they charge extra for that.

Listen the waiter isn't there to be your best friend. He should bring you what you ordered and refrain from kicking you in the shins, but otherwise, don't expect a hearty and happy "Hi, my name is Franz and I will be your waiter today!" Usually you will walk in, search for a place to sit (show no mercy, that 90 year old will fight you), and then wait for them to come by. This might take a while but I warned you not to come if you are in a rush. They won't really greet with more than a "Bitte." which is one of the most versatile words in the German language. This is then your cue to order what you want. Don't faff around. Get to it, hop hop. Surprisingly your order should arrive within a couple of minutes and no, Franz will not be coming by to ask you "How is everything? Can I get you some more ice water?" You are on your own, my friend. Sit back, drink your drink and grab one of those newspapers that they have attached to huge bamboo newspaper holders. You will look authentic then. Just don't whack someone on the head accidentally (June, 2007, I don't want to talk about it). Viennese coffee house waiters are famous. From their tuxedos and their surly attitude, to their barely contained disgust when you ask for more tap water or even for the bill... but they truly embody the Viennese comedic style called Schmaeh. This is a combination of sarcasm and melancholy and well, it is hard to describe but you will know it when you see it and if you are new in town, you will be tempted to write on Trip Advisor about how damn rude your waiter was.

You have had your coffee, your cake, your sausages, your wine and you have lost feeling in your legs and it is time for your to go... Now the fun starts. Trying to get the damn bill. 9 out of 10 times you will have to ask for it a couple of times. Waiters will zoom past you at 100 miles an hour and you must yell out "Zahlen bitte!" or you will be proverbial coffee house roadkill. You aren't being rude, you are just getting their attention. Sometimes they will bring you the bill immediately, other times it can take forever. Either it is printed out or they take out their pads and write down what you ate, calculating like a modern day Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Large tips aren't part of the culture and the rule of thumb is to kind of round up. Your bill is 18.50, give them 20. 9.20, give them 10. And you tip them immediately and not leave it on the table. This ensures that they won't trip you as you walk out of the coffee house. I spent the first couple of years leaving extra money on the table because I couldn't believe, as a Canadian, how little the Husband was tipping. It took a while for me to adjust.

So that is a pretty general overview of how to experience a Viennese coffee house. Below are a list of the most famous coffee houses in the city.

Cafe Central: this place is always packed. It is gorgeous but it is touristy. Lenin and Hitler hung out here. So did Tova... whenever she can find a damn seat. Definitely worth a visit.

Cafe Schwarzenberg: This is actually one of my favourite traditional coffee houses. They also have great outdoor seating. I always like to take out of town guests here.

Cafe Sperl: Located near the big shopping street, this is definitely an institution. I have only been there once but I liked it. I liked their wine, too.

Cafe Hawelka: This is the least grand of coffee houses but it is neat. And long time readers will know about my previous stalking. The furniture is original and this place has an interesting post-war history.

Cafe Prueckel: I was there just this week. It is bright and airy and has interesting 70s decor that somehow works. Definitely worth a visit.

Cafe Demel: I am not the biggest fan of this place because it is always packed but it is fabulous. If you love pastries, this is the place to go. And you can see the bakers at work. Totes want a birthday cake from Demel at some point.

Sacher Hotel Cafe: There are always lines of tourists but it is pretty fab. A lot of people don't like Sacher Torte (their famous chocolate cake) but I am the exception. I absolutely adore Sacher Torte! A glass of bubbly and a piece of cake... heaven.

Cafe Landtmann: I go here rarely and it really has become the place to be seen. They have a lovely glass extension and it is a great place to go for an overpriced breakfast.

Cafe Griensteidl: Right across from the Hofburg palace, this place is also famous. And very traditional.

So that is a list of places I would suggest people should check out. I love the coffee house culture and I love the surliness (probably stemming from self esteem issues) and there is nothing quite as Viennese as spending a long afternoon in one of them. Don't be intimidated going into one. The brilliance of Vienna coffee houses is that they are open to everybody: students, writers, politicians, pensioners and dogs! Grab a seat quickly, pull out a book, Instagram the decor and welcome to Vienna!