Adventures in stupid diets- a horrible memory

I have probably done every diet out there in the past and I thought that I would tell you about one particular mishap that occurred years ago when I lived in Toronto. The embarassment is still clinging on and the fact that the Husband still married me after this particular event is proof that true love is just about the best thing in the world.

So anyway... About 9 years ago I had picked up some stupid magazine that had some stupid article about some stupid Chinese super herbal tea that was known to boost metabolism and give you all sorts of crazy stupid energy. I probably should have kept the article to use as a visual prop to have made sure I would have gotten the correct tea. With my extra 15-perhaps 30 pounds, I made my way into China town in Toronto (it was just down the street from our apartment) and walked into a Chinese herbal supplement store. I spent about 20 minutes trying to learn Chinese characters but that was a futile exercise. I finally gave up and approached the lady behind the counter and asked if she had a "tea to boost metabolism". She looked at me blankly and said "tea" and I said "yes, tea to help boost metabolism" to which she responded by saying "tea". This went on for about 5 minutes until she gestured to the stack of teas behind me. I figured I would have to pantomine what I was actually looking for. It involved me pointing to the tea, then miming running really fast and slowly and loudly yelling "tea to make me go fast!!!". It must have been an Oscar performance because her eyes lit up and she grabbed a box from the shelf and said "Fast Tea!" proudly. Jackpot!

I went home with my cheap ass box of tea and boiled some water. The tea stunk like skunk but I held my breath and drank it, eagerly awaiting the boost of energy. I also made about 5 cups in an hour and drank them all (this is important for later). A couple of hours had passed and my boyfriend now husband suggested we go out for a drink. We made our way to our local, knocked back a couple of beers and suddenly my stomach decided to attempt to escape my body. A pain and a noise I have never experienced since hit my intestines and I still pray to a deity for letting me make it to the pub toilet in time. Hands braced on either side of the wall - I think I lost an internal organ that night. After a few minutes of what could only be what it is like for an elephant to birth, I felt safe enough to go back to my seat. I told my husband that I was feeling a little under the weather and perhaps 10 pounds lighter so we headed home.

The minute I entered the apartment the toilet was mine for the next 6 hours. I think I told my husband to pee in the sink if the need arose. The problem, of course, when you are losing parts of you at an alarming rate, your toilet will clog. I had to borrow a plunger from the apartment superintendent and wrestle with our poor poor toilet. The humiliation of it all brought me to tears and to this day the Husband will bring it up because he is sweet like that.

A couple of weeks later I brought the tea to the daughter of a Chinese restaurant owner we got take out  from every Sunday night and asked her to tell me what the hell I had consumed. Apparently I took an extremely potent laxative and obviously overdosed. She laughed hysterically and told her mother and the guys in the kitchen who all thought this was the funniest thing they had ever heard. She told me that when I told the woman at the herbal supplement store that I needed something to "go fast", she obviously thought I meant I was bunged up. Crap, literally.

Did I throw out the box? No, not for a few months. Did I take the tea again? No. And that my friends is just another chapter in stupid weight loss adventures. I'm sorry.