Christmas Under Wraps - A Tova Re-cap
So the other week I re-capped A Royal Christmas. Boy, was that fun! Sure, a little bit of my dignity died but actually, I didn't have much of that anyway so whatever! The friend who chose A Royal Christmas also chose Christmas Under Wraps. This one's for you, Lauren! Hey look who is starring in it! DJ Tanner from Full House. No drug addiction for you! You survived child star syndrome! Way to go!
We start off with some Romantic Comedy Oooh How Light and Fun Life Is Muzak as we pan over San Francisco. We end up in a hospital corridor as the main character LAUREN (Candace Cameron-Bure (And now I know why you chose this FILM, LAUREN)) exits surgery with another doctor. He applauds her mad mad surgery skillz which turns out was for the removal of an appendix. The way he was going on you would have thought she had just performed a triple bypass with one hand. Anyway, we, the poor poor viewer, find out that Lauren is waiting to hear about a fellowship in Boston (the same one her dad went to) and she has a feeling that her boyfriend is going to propose to her. This is the wrong thing to assume at the beginning of the movie, LAUREN. I am also surprised that her co-workers don't hate her because she is definitely a bit of a pain in the ass. My daddy this, my boyfriend that. Blah blah blah. Decent highlights, though.
Next up we have Lauren at dinner with her boyfriend. Apparently he is the typical Hallmark douche character because his hair is a little too slick and his baby blue cashmere sweater looks dumb. She believes that he is going to propose and then it is a little bit like Legally Blonde when it turns out he is dumping her. Candace Cameron-Bure obviously avoided the Botox on her forehead just before filming so that her forehead could show emotion... kind of.
Turns out that they have only been dating for 8 months and he feels that she is too planny planny and making all the decisions about their future and stuff and he needs passionate love. She doesn't even cry. Bitch don't cry and that probably makes him feel better about his decision to dump her. She decides to stop by her parents' house (MANSION) and then she finds out that she did not get the fellowship in Boston even though her father knows the guy on the board and Nepotism did not win that day, my friends. Turns out that the candidate who got the fellowship had done Doctors Without Borders and the board thought, and I quote "That that was thinking outside the box." WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? So anyway, Lauren is having the worst day ever and yet, Bitch don't cry. Heart of stone I tell you. The next day she heads to the career center. The woman there is all like "Get a job until next year." and then she looks at her screen and she is like "Well that's funny, a fellowship just opened up in Garland, Alaska." Lauren looks less than impressed (I think hard to tell with the Botox) and then the career center lady is all like "This would be thinking outside the box" and boom, Lauren says "Sign me up."
The next morning, Lauren hears her cell phone ring and walks through her impossibly huge loft apartment in San Francisco. Either Lauren subsidizes her income with hard drug dealing or her father is footing the bill. No way could she afford that. NO WAY! The woman on the phone is calling from Garland, Alaska (literally took me three times to hear the name until I got it. Garland, Christmas, womp, womp. Hallmark movie writers, it's like you don't even care) and offers Lauren the fellowship at their hospital and they will pay for accommodation and transportation. Pretty sure Lauren could just Air BnB her loft and then buy Garland, Alaska but whatever. She decides to say yes and later in the week her mom and dad are helping her pack. Her dad says "I'll fly you out whenever you want." and how the fellowship in Boston will totally take her after they see she exploited a small town's health care system by making them pay for her accommodation and 1,000 dollar plus flight.
Lauren arrives in freezing Anchorage wearing a pashmina and a peacoat and shivers. I'm pretty sure she didn't get the fellowship in Boston not because she didn't "think outside the box" but because she has no life skills. You look up the weather before you travel, Lauren! Dammit! A cute Hallmark male hero protagonist is standing outside (why not inside?) with a sign with her name. He gives her a "you be fiine" look and then tells her Garland (this is when I finally got the name) is only 300 miles away. Lauren looks like she wants to die. They get into a small plane and you can see all the emotions she has... Kind of.
They arrive in Garland after a panoramic flight and the guy drives her through the town. She says "Boy, you guys take Christmas seriously." Well, Lauren, you are in a Hallmark Christmas film. Don't think Boston is ever going to call you. They pass Holiday Trading Company (kill yourself now, Hallmark film writers) and he takes her to her cute cabin that is "walking distance" from everything. If it were me I would have probably asked "Does the General Store sell nooses? No?" Lauren wakes up the next morning and heads into the kitchen to make some coffee. Holy crap, that kitchen has granite countertops and back splash. This cabin is dope! But no coffee maker so she heads into town with her pashmina and heels (dumb ass). She goes into the local diner and of course orders a "Non fat vanilla latte." and the woman behind the counter is all like "You can have cream and sugar." A guy in the corner makes a comment about the goodness of sugar or something and Lauren turns and says
"Did anyone ever tell you you look like Santa Claus?" and his response should have totally been "Has anyone ever told you you look like Kathy Bates in Misery?" Turns out that the guy is Fred Holiday (ugh), owner of the Holiday Trading Company and I totally see her eyes twinkle thinking "sup, rich guy?"
Of course the guy who flew her in the day before walks in and it turns out that he is the son of Mr. Holiday so she's all like "Boom! Jackpot!" or she should be. Fred Holiday eats cookies for breakfast and Lauren and his son are all concerned about his health. I'm calling foreshadowing here. Lauren heads to the hospital for her first day and it turns out to be a house. A HOUSE! She meets her staff of 4 and I feel like Garland needs to look into more options for health care. Terrifying. She treats the patients and suddenly she is so very very popular. The next morning she goes to the diner and the woman behind the counter is all like "I found skim milk!" and Lauren feels her power rising. At the hospital house, there is a line of people because she's like the best doctor ever. Fred Holiday (the dad) drops by and invites her for dinner at his house. Guess rich folks stick together in Garland. She accepts because sure. Cute son. Oh yeah, and she tried to order winter clothes online the night before and then she gets a message that they don't deliver to Garland and she is surplussed. SURPLUSSED and I want to be all like "Try living in Austria! Amazon.co.uk breaks my heart all the time." So anyway, she goes shopping at the General Store and the woman from the coffee shop is like "Well, it just means that the stuff that makes it here are extra special!" Is she hitting on Lauren? She then proceeds to show her that they have jeans with sweat pants lining. Kind of would love THAT! Lauren is now all Garland dressed and makes her way to the Holidays (GAH!). As she approaches their front door, an elf like person scurries by and HOLY CRAP Hallmark, thanks for making me spill my wine. That terrified the crap out of me! Lauren tries to follow the serial killer but misses him. She then goes to dinner inside where we find out that Andy (couldn't remember his name until now), son of Mr. Holiday used to live in Seattle and was an architect. What did you do, Andy? Why are you back in Garland? Did your inside infinity pool cause water damage in a client's house?
The next day Lauren heads back to the hospital and there are a lot of people waiting. As she walks down the hallway, the power goes out. Sweet Jeebus I hope nobody was getting dialysis! Andy is not only a former architect, pilot and wearer of nice sweaters, nope, he is also a hobby electrician because of course he is. They have a moment after she hugs him when the lights come on and you know they are totally going to do it soon. As she thanks Andy and a guy is on the steps of the hospital with a bruised and bloody hand and he says he hurt it with a hammer and he acts all shady and shows a tiny toy hammer and that's when I realize this might be a Santa movie, crap. Also, I don't think a toy hammer caused that damage. I think the guy's meth lab might have blown up. And Andy gave him side eye so something's up. At the end of a long day, Lauren heads home and checks social media and sees all her former colleagues doing awesome at their fellowships and the next morning she has her luggage at the door. Rut roh. Lauren is going to leave. Before she can leave Garland behind, there is a knock at the door and apparently Rudy hurt his leg. Oh please don't be Rudy the reindeer. Please.. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
It's a reindeer. Lauren fixes his sprained ankle and Fred Holiday actually his name is Frank but whatever, tells her he is the town mascot and he needs to be healed for the Christmas festival on Christmas Eve. But he says it all shady like and I feel like throwing something. She goes into the Holiday's home and Andy gives her a cup of coffee and tries to tell her that Garland is awesome and then invites her on a midnight picnic. Better bring protection Lauren because if you get preggers, you will be delivering that bebe. He picks her up for their date at 10 p.m. I hope she told other people about this midnight date. Safety first. Turns out he is going to take her a night plane ride to see the stars. Then he takes her to an isolated spot. Should have brought your mace, girlfriend and ugh, of course the motherloving NORTHERN LIGHTS! Hallmark, have some self respect. And then they kiss blah blah. She really does have pretty hair.
The next morning she stops by the Holiday company. Oh, I am sorry the HOLLIDAY company and tells Frank that she wants to give him an examination. He tells her to come back in the afternoon. She shows up and is bummed to find just a regular old warehouse and not the Santa shop she has been led to believe exists. Still wondering why you didn't get that Boston fellowship, Lauren? She overhears Andy (shamed architect) and his father Frank arguing. He has a secret to tell her but Frank thinks she won't be able to handle it and is planning on leaving anyway because she a CITY GIRL. What's the secret Andy? Illegitimate children? The clap? She tries to walk out but Andy sees her and then says he is going to get her a Christmas tree and she is all like "I've never had a Christmas tree that hasn't been on a table top." and bitch be lying because her parents had a big ass tree in their mansion so Lauren's a dirty liar. She then gives Frank an examination and tells him he is suffering from stress. Next up, Andy and Lauren decorate a tree and there is cheesy music and I totally want to see them in 5 years when it will be all like "NO I SAID LIGHTS FIRST THEN THE ORNAMENTS!" and he would then say "WELL MY MOTHER ALWAYS PUTS THE GARLAND ON FIRST!" and she would say "OH THAT'S RIGHT! YOUR MOTHER THE SAINT! THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD WHO DOES CHRISTMAS RIGHT!" and he would be all like "HA! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T LIKE MY MOTHER!" heh. Then they are sitting on the sofa and she is all like "Tell me about your dad's company" and he should respond with "What are you, the IRS?" But he changes the topic and they are all lovey dovey.
After he leaves, she gets a call from her dad because of course she does. The Doctors Without Borders candidate at the Boston fellowship has dropped out and she is being offered the position. Not sure why the Boston hospital doesn't call her but has her dad do it so I guess nepotism for the win. She tosses and turns all night. Like, no, for real, they actually show her tossing and turning. She texts Andy to meet her at the diner the next morning and she tells him she is leaving and he is all sad but stoic and she doesn't even shed a tear. Bitch don't cry! She's a ROBOT! She then goes to the clinic and says bye and even then, not even a tear. Then she goes back to her cabin to get her stuff and Andy is there to take her to Anchorage. They are driving through the town and then suddenly he gets a call. His dad has collapsed. I CALLED IT ON THE FORESHADOWING! Booyah! They rush to the hospital and the dad is going to be fine but then Lauren realizes that she belongs in Garland. She tells her parents and they are happy for her. And then she heads into town for the Christmas eve festival. She finds Andy and she tells him she is staying. Then Frank comes in (recovered suddenly) dressed as Santa and on a sleigh with Rudy the reindeer. Andy turns to Lauren and says something alluding to the fact that Garland is kind of like North Pole and his dad is Santa but Lauren doesn't care and says "That's Garland for you." And then they kiss and then you see the moon and Frank/Santa on his sleigh fly by. The End. WHAT?! WHAT??! NOO! WHAT?!?! I feel dead inside. Ugh. Merry Christmas everybody... And good luck, Lauren ever getting anything from Anthropology delivered.
We start off with some Romantic Comedy Oooh How Light and Fun Life Is Muzak as we pan over San Francisco. We end up in a hospital corridor as the main character LAUREN (Candace Cameron-Bure (And now I know why you chose this FILM, LAUREN)) exits surgery with another doctor. He applauds her mad mad surgery skillz which turns out was for the removal of an appendix. The way he was going on you would have thought she had just performed a triple bypass with one hand. Anyway, we, the poor poor viewer, find out that Lauren is waiting to hear about a fellowship in Boston (the same one her dad went to) and she has a feeling that her boyfriend is going to propose to her. This is the wrong thing to assume at the beginning of the movie, LAUREN. I am also surprised that her co-workers don't hate her because she is definitely a bit of a pain in the ass. My daddy this, my boyfriend that. Blah blah blah. Decent highlights, though.
Next up we have Lauren at dinner with her boyfriend. Apparently he is the typical Hallmark douche character because his hair is a little too slick and his baby blue cashmere sweater looks dumb. She believes that he is going to propose and then it is a little bit like Legally Blonde when it turns out he is dumping her. Candace Cameron-Bure obviously avoided the Botox on her forehead just before filming so that her forehead could show emotion... kind of.
The next morning, Lauren hears her cell phone ring and walks through her impossibly huge loft apartment in San Francisco. Either Lauren subsidizes her income with hard drug dealing or her father is footing the bill. No way could she afford that. NO WAY! The woman on the phone is calling from Garland, Alaska (literally took me three times to hear the name until I got it. Garland, Christmas, womp, womp. Hallmark movie writers, it's like you don't even care) and offers Lauren the fellowship at their hospital and they will pay for accommodation and transportation. Pretty sure Lauren could just Air BnB her loft and then buy Garland, Alaska but whatever. She decides to say yes and later in the week her mom and dad are helping her pack. Her dad says "I'll fly you out whenever you want." and how the fellowship in Boston will totally take her after they see she exploited a small town's health care system by making them pay for her accommodation and 1,000 dollar plus flight.
Lauren arrives in freezing Anchorage wearing a pashmina and a peacoat and shivers. I'm pretty sure she didn't get the fellowship in Boston not because she didn't "think outside the box" but because she has no life skills. You look up the weather before you travel, Lauren! Dammit! A cute Hallmark male hero protagonist is standing outside (why not inside?) with a sign with her name. He gives her a "you be fiine" look and then tells her Garland (this is when I finally got the name) is only 300 miles away. Lauren looks like she wants to die. They get into a small plane and you can see all the emotions she has... Kind of.
They arrive in Garland after a panoramic flight and the guy drives her through the town. She says "Boy, you guys take Christmas seriously." Well, Lauren, you are in a Hallmark Christmas film. Don't think Boston is ever going to call you. They pass Holiday Trading Company (kill yourself now, Hallmark film writers) and he takes her to her cute cabin that is "walking distance" from everything. If it were me I would have probably asked "Does the General Store sell nooses? No?" Lauren wakes up the next morning and heads into the kitchen to make some coffee. Holy crap, that kitchen has granite countertops and back splash. This cabin is dope! But no coffee maker so she heads into town with her pashmina and heels (dumb ass). She goes into the local diner and of course orders a "Non fat vanilla latte." and the woman behind the counter is all like "You can have cream and sugar." A guy in the corner makes a comment about the goodness of sugar or something and Lauren turns and says
"Did anyone ever tell you you look like Santa Claus?" and his response should have totally been "Has anyone ever told you you look like Kathy Bates in Misery?" Turns out that the guy is Fred Holiday (ugh), owner of the Holiday Trading Company and I totally see her eyes twinkle thinking "sup, rich guy?"
Of course the guy who flew her in the day before walks in and it turns out that he is the son of Mr. Holiday so she's all like "Boom! Jackpot!" or she should be. Fred Holiday eats cookies for breakfast and Lauren and his son are all concerned about his health. I'm calling foreshadowing here. Lauren heads to the hospital for her first day and it turns out to be a house. A HOUSE! She meets her staff of 4 and I feel like Garland needs to look into more options for health care. Terrifying. She treats the patients and suddenly she is so very very popular. The next morning she goes to the diner and the woman behind the counter is all like "I found skim milk!" and Lauren feels her power rising. At the hospital house, there is a line of people because she's like the best doctor ever. Fred Holiday (the dad) drops by and invites her for dinner at his house. Guess rich folks stick together in Garland. She accepts because sure. Cute son. Oh yeah, and she tried to order winter clothes online the night before and then she gets a message that they don't deliver to Garland and she is surplussed. SURPLUSSED and I want to be all like "Try living in Austria! Amazon.co.uk breaks my heart all the time." So anyway, she goes shopping at the General Store and the woman from the coffee shop is like "Well, it just means that the stuff that makes it here are extra special!" Is she hitting on Lauren? She then proceeds to show her that they have jeans with sweat pants lining. Kind of would love THAT! Lauren is now all Garland dressed and makes her way to the Holidays (GAH!). As she approaches their front door, an elf like person scurries by and HOLY CRAP Hallmark, thanks for making me spill my wine. That terrified the crap out of me! Lauren tries to follow the serial killer but misses him. She then goes to dinner inside where we find out that Andy (couldn't remember his name until now), son of Mr. Holiday used to live in Seattle and was an architect. What did you do, Andy? Why are you back in Garland? Did your inside infinity pool cause water damage in a client's house?
The next day Lauren heads back to the hospital and there are a lot of people waiting. As she walks down the hallway, the power goes out. Sweet Jeebus I hope nobody was getting dialysis! Andy is not only a former architect, pilot and wearer of nice sweaters, nope, he is also a hobby electrician because of course he is. They have a moment after she hugs him when the lights come on and you know they are totally going to do it soon. As she thanks Andy and a guy is on the steps of the hospital with a bruised and bloody hand and he says he hurt it with a hammer and he acts all shady and shows a tiny toy hammer and that's when I realize this might be a Santa movie, crap. Also, I don't think a toy hammer caused that damage. I think the guy's meth lab might have blown up. And Andy gave him side eye so something's up. At the end of a long day, Lauren heads home and checks social media and sees all her former colleagues doing awesome at their fellowships and the next morning she has her luggage at the door. Rut roh. Lauren is going to leave. Before she can leave Garland behind, there is a knock at the door and apparently Rudy hurt his leg. Oh please don't be Rudy the reindeer. Please.. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
It's a reindeer. Lauren fixes his sprained ankle and Fred Holiday actually his name is Frank but whatever, tells her he is the town mascot and he needs to be healed for the Christmas festival on Christmas Eve. But he says it all shady like and I feel like throwing something. She goes into the Holiday's home and Andy gives her a cup of coffee and tries to tell her that Garland is awesome and then invites her on a midnight picnic. Better bring protection Lauren because if you get preggers, you will be delivering that bebe. He picks her up for their date at 10 p.m. I hope she told other people about this midnight date. Safety first. Turns out he is going to take her a night plane ride to see the stars. Then he takes her to an isolated spot. Should have brought your mace, girlfriend and ugh, of course the motherloving NORTHERN LIGHTS! Hallmark, have some self respect. And then they kiss blah blah. She really does have pretty hair.
The next morning she stops by the Holiday company. Oh, I am sorry the HOLLIDAY company and tells Frank that she wants to give him an examination. He tells her to come back in the afternoon. She shows up and is bummed to find just a regular old warehouse and not the Santa shop she has been led to believe exists. Still wondering why you didn't get that Boston fellowship, Lauren? She overhears Andy (shamed architect) and his father Frank arguing. He has a secret to tell her but Frank thinks she won't be able to handle it and is planning on leaving anyway because she a CITY GIRL. What's the secret Andy? Illegitimate children? The clap? She tries to walk out but Andy sees her and then says he is going to get her a Christmas tree and she is all like "I've never had a Christmas tree that hasn't been on a table top." and bitch be lying because her parents had a big ass tree in their mansion so Lauren's a dirty liar. She then gives Frank an examination and tells him he is suffering from stress. Next up, Andy and Lauren decorate a tree and there is cheesy music and I totally want to see them in 5 years when it will be all like "NO I SAID LIGHTS FIRST THEN THE ORNAMENTS!" and he would then say "WELL MY MOTHER ALWAYS PUTS THE GARLAND ON FIRST!" and she would say "OH THAT'S RIGHT! YOUR MOTHER THE SAINT! THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD WHO DOES CHRISTMAS RIGHT!" and he would be all like "HA! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T LIKE MY MOTHER!" heh. Then they are sitting on the sofa and she is all like "Tell me about your dad's company" and he should respond with "What are you, the IRS?" But he changes the topic and they are all lovey dovey.
After he leaves, she gets a call from her dad because of course she does. The Doctors Without Borders candidate at the Boston fellowship has dropped out and she is being offered the position. Not sure why the Boston hospital doesn't call her but has her dad do it so I guess nepotism for the win. She tosses and turns all night. Like, no, for real, they actually show her tossing and turning. She texts Andy to meet her at the diner the next morning and she tells him she is leaving and he is all sad but stoic and she doesn't even shed a tear. Bitch don't cry! She's a ROBOT! She then goes to the clinic and says bye and even then, not even a tear. Then she goes back to her cabin to get her stuff and Andy is there to take her to Anchorage. They are driving through the town and then suddenly he gets a call. His dad has collapsed. I CALLED IT ON THE FORESHADOWING! Booyah! They rush to the hospital and the dad is going to be fine but then Lauren realizes that she belongs in Garland. She tells her parents and they are happy for her. And then she heads into town for the Christmas eve festival. She finds Andy and she tells him she is staying. Then Frank comes in (recovered suddenly) dressed as Santa and on a sleigh with Rudy the reindeer. Andy turns to Lauren and says something alluding to the fact that Garland is kind of like North Pole and his dad is Santa but Lauren doesn't care and says "That's Garland for you." And then they kiss and then you see the moon and Frank/Santa on his sleigh fly by. The End. WHAT?! WHAT??! NOO! WHAT?!?! I feel dead inside. Ugh. Merry Christmas everybody... And good luck, Lauren ever getting anything from Anthropology delivered.
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