I Got Scared Yesterday
So yesterday was definitely a wake up call. I had been feeling under the weather since Thursday afternoon but like I always do, I powered through it and ignored it. By Saturday morning, I knew that I couldn't do anything productive. I pretty much slept on and off for a total of 18 hours. I started on the sofa, ate something, then crawled into bed, then slept, then ate, then slept on the sofa, then slept in bed. The Husband was great and took the Kid to the park and I slept. The Kid would come and snuggle with me and I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. I was out for the count. At 7 p.m. I went to bed again and slept until 5. I read some celebrity gossip and then went back to sleep for another couple of hours. I am feeling better this morning but I am still lethargic. And I am definitely processing what happened yesterday. Every few months I get sick and while that is normal, I also know that I could probably avoid illness more often if I just slowed down once in a while. The irony is that this week was not as nutso as other weeks but I think that is when it hits. It's that time when you sit down with a glass of wine, Christmas day, and BAM! heart attack. You work so hard, get through the chaos, and when you are finally relaxing, your body goes into shut down mode.
Yesterday seriously scared me. I consider myself very lucky that I don't suffer from depression. That is a terrifying issue and an important thing to be transparent about. So many people suffer from depression and I am happy to see that it is being talked about more and more. So while I don't have depression, my body can shut down and say "fuck it" every once in a while. I have a lot on my plate: full time job, raising a kid with autism, starting an autism center. Fundraising has proven to be incredibly difficult and many times I think thatI am on the brink of something mega and then nothing comes from it and I feel a huge sense of frustration. I put a ton of work into communicating with parents and helping people find support and that feeds my soul: it truly does. But sometimes I wonder what the end game is. When is this all going to take off and when are things truly going to change here. Hearing absolutely heart breaking stories is part of it and I internalize so much so it is only natural that eventually I would have to take a break. And it is totally my own fault. Slow it down, Tova. But knowing me, I probably won't be able to slow it down forever.
I think that I am incredibly lucky in general. Sure, there are days that I will see a little kid talking to their parents and my heart will shatter into a million pieces because I would kill to have a conversation with my son. Or there are times I will see family holiday pictures and I get incredibly sad we can't do that with the Kid. I would kill to be able to have a clear view of the future and to know that things will get better. The autism center has become an extension of our journey with the Kid and it frustrates me that there isn't more happening. But I need to focus on the good and what is happening. The Kid is absolutely wonderful in his own way. He is affectionate and happy and can make me laugh. Little bugger stole a piece of cold pizza this morning and I laughed and I laughed. I have to also see that the Autism in Vienna page has over 1,200 likes, that Filmcasino is now offering a few sensory friendly screenings and that a museum in Vienna will be offering an autism friendly hour soon. Things are happening, slowly. I need to also lower my expectations when I am promised something. The number of times I have been disappointed when promises haven't happened are too many to count so I need to realize that not everybody is as transparent as I am. It's a life lesson y'all. Being an obnoxious optimist, I guess I will always believe that people have the best intentions but in reality, that's not always true.
I have felt used in the past and that just adds to the hurt and anger. And that is another thing I need to work on: never expect anything. It's a sad life lesson because I believe in amazing things and I believe in people but I need to be a realist and the sad reality is is that unless I do it myself, it probably won't happen. I love being able to help people and I will continue to do so. I just need to once in a while take care of me. I love being able to go out with my friends and spend time with my family and I think I need to enjoy the moment more. This past week was actually really lovely. I went out on Monday night with a friend, Tuesday met up with another friend and on Friday, had a couple who we adore over for dinner. It was a really lovely week and of course BAM! fell apart. And that's o.k. So what's the point of this blog post? Not sure, but maybe just highlighting the fact that I need to realize I can't do it all... but I can try... But maybe try a little less.
And don't worry, I will be back to my normal nutso self in a day or two and most likely will have some fabulous news, or will have come up with another insane challenge (the three week challenge is on hold for now) and this past Saturday will have just been a little blip in my story... my very own day of meh. I wish you all a great Sunday and I promise that the next post will be filled with laughs and gifs. So for now, toodles!
Yesterday seriously scared me. I consider myself very lucky that I don't suffer from depression. That is a terrifying issue and an important thing to be transparent about. So many people suffer from depression and I am happy to see that it is being talked about more and more. So while I don't have depression, my body can shut down and say "fuck it" every once in a while. I have a lot on my plate: full time job, raising a kid with autism, starting an autism center. Fundraising has proven to be incredibly difficult and many times I think thatI am on the brink of something mega and then nothing comes from it and I feel a huge sense of frustration. I put a ton of work into communicating with parents and helping people find support and that feeds my soul: it truly does. But sometimes I wonder what the end game is. When is this all going to take off and when are things truly going to change here. Hearing absolutely heart breaking stories is part of it and I internalize so much so it is only natural that eventually I would have to take a break. And it is totally my own fault. Slow it down, Tova. But knowing me, I probably won't be able to slow it down forever.
I think that I am incredibly lucky in general. Sure, there are days that I will see a little kid talking to their parents and my heart will shatter into a million pieces because I would kill to have a conversation with my son. Or there are times I will see family holiday pictures and I get incredibly sad we can't do that with the Kid. I would kill to be able to have a clear view of the future and to know that things will get better. The autism center has become an extension of our journey with the Kid and it frustrates me that there isn't more happening. But I need to focus on the good and what is happening. The Kid is absolutely wonderful in his own way. He is affectionate and happy and can make me laugh. Little bugger stole a piece of cold pizza this morning and I laughed and I laughed. I have to also see that the Autism in Vienna page has over 1,200 likes, that Filmcasino is now offering a few sensory friendly screenings and that a museum in Vienna will be offering an autism friendly hour soon. Things are happening, slowly. I need to also lower my expectations when I am promised something. The number of times I have been disappointed when promises haven't happened are too many to count so I need to realize that not everybody is as transparent as I am. It's a life lesson y'all. Being an obnoxious optimist, I guess I will always believe that people have the best intentions but in reality, that's not always true.
I have felt used in the past and that just adds to the hurt and anger. And that is another thing I need to work on: never expect anything. It's a sad life lesson because I believe in amazing things and I believe in people but I need to be a realist and the sad reality is is that unless I do it myself, it probably won't happen. I love being able to help people and I will continue to do so. I just need to once in a while take care of me. I love being able to go out with my friends and spend time with my family and I think I need to enjoy the moment more. This past week was actually really lovely. I went out on Monday night with a friend, Tuesday met up with another friend and on Friday, had a couple who we adore over for dinner. It was a really lovely week and of course BAM! fell apart. And that's o.k. So what's the point of this blog post? Not sure, but maybe just highlighting the fact that I need to realize I can't do it all... but I can try... But maybe try a little less.
And don't worry, I will be back to my normal nutso self in a day or two and most likely will have some fabulous news, or will have come up with another insane challenge (the three week challenge is on hold for now) and this past Saturday will have just been a little blip in my story... my very own day of meh. I wish you all a great Sunday and I promise that the next post will be filled with laughs and gifs. So for now, toodles!
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