A Tova Movie Re-cap: A Christmas Reunion
Yesterday was an awesome day: the cinema day for Autism in Vienna was a huge success but I will write about that in the next post. Today is election day in Austria and everybody is a little on edge so instead I will write about fluff because fluff doesn't give me anxiety and heart burn. As you know, I adore cheesy Hallmark Christmas films. They are the antithesis of my life and are complete and total cringe-worthy escapism. You know there is going to be a happy ending and great hair and I get to do one of my favourite activities which is to roll my eyes with panache. WITH PANACHE!
So after doing a Google image search on Hallmark Christmas films, I settled on A Christmas Reunion starring Denise Richards because this cover had what I was looking for... yes... So come with me on a magical re-cap of a cheesy film.
We start off with the gold standard of Hallmark films: a montage of something Christmasy. It can vary from a small town decked out for Christmas, ornaments on a tree or in this case, Christmas cookies. A song is playing and it most likely will contain the sweet dulcet tones of a saxamaphone (thank you, Simpsons). After the 2 minute intro showing the names of actors who may or may not have made bad life choices, we are transported to an industrial kitchen. Two kids: a girl and a boy, are making ribbon trophies. I'm guessing the girl is about 8 and the boy is about 11 and soon we are all going to have to have a little talk about feelings and age of consent. They finish the trophy and Aunt Linda with a fabulous wig walks in and immediately makes it clear that she wants these two to one day hook up. This is where I start to wonder if she is both their Aunt Linda and we need to all have a little talk about not hooking up with cousins. We find out that Aunt Linda is hosting the annual Christmas Cookie Competition and has a muy importante recipe tin. They head to O'Brian's Diner which I assume is the town's Irish bar but I was wrong. It looks like an Italian restaurant from Goodfellas. I'm confused. The kids (Amy and Jack) head to the kitchen to put out the cookies and then at one point a bully comes in and pushes Jack and you know that is totally going to be Jake Busey. Yes, Jake Busey. I will get to that later.
The competition begins and poor Mr. O'Brian makes melted snowmen cookies every damn year and every damn year he loses. Womp Womp. Foreshadowing. After the competition, Jack and Amy head to the kitchen because Jack has a surprise for Amy and somebody should be watching these two. He hands her a cookie and they smile at each other and Aunt Linda pops her head in (hopefully with a hose just in case) and she smiles knowingly. Blech, they aren't even teenagers yet!! And then the music starts up and we are treated to a montage of New York City at Christmas (of course) and the sentence "30 Years Later" plays across the screen. Now, wait a damn minute. I saw the customers at the Cookie Competition... nobody was dressed like the 80s. No blue eyeshadow, no big hair, not even an oversized cross necklace. COME ON HALLMARK! You could have tried a little. Send your costume department to Hot Topic, get some cheap fishnets, sew on some shoulder pads. I am disappointed in you. Anyway, we now end up in the office of who I believe is Amy all grown up. And I kind of appreciate Hallmark for saying 30 years later rather than 20 years later because while Denise Richards looks great, 28 she is not. So we can immediately tell that Amy has a high powered job based on her grey power suit and her jerky assistant who actually kind of stole the show throughout (Just looked him up. His name is Danny Lacy. Hallmark, put him in more films.)
So Amy has a meeting with her boss but suddenly her phone rings and you know it is bad news because the camera pans to a pretty woman sitting on a sofa looking sad telling Amy she has bad news. Obviously shaken but trying to be professional, she walks in to see her boss. And the boss is none other than PARKER STEVENSON! PARKER! I once watched some E True Hollywood story about Kirstie Alley and she used to be married to Parker Stevenson and apparently he was supposed to be the big next thing and when it didn't work out, they divorced. In what universe was Parker Stevenson a big thing? The man looks like your local trying-to-be cool pastor. Moving on... he tells Amy that he is incredibly impressed with her campaign (apparently they hired a famous hot guy to be the face of a department store, apparently sales increased by 25 % and apparently this is one of the biggest ad agencies in America) and he wants to promote her to junior partner. And he is going to announce it at the company Christmas party on Christmas Eve! Alright, wait, first of all, totally douchey to have a company party on Christmas Eve and second of all, way to keep company morale up by announcing a promotion at a party. He finally notices that Amy seems a little upset and she admits that her aunt just passed away. Her aunt that raised her after her parents passed. Oh Amy. In a rare move, the boss tells her that family is the most important thing to which Amy responds "You've been married 3 times." and guuuurrrlll, that's some sass. He tells her to go pay her respects in her town "Hazelnut" and Amy says "Chestnut" and ughhhh.
Now we have a Florida coastline montage and I am wondering if I somehow missed the fact that Chestnut is in Florida oh no, never mind. There's Jack all grown up. We know it's Jack because he has the same damn haircut that the kid actor had. Jack's working on something that involves tools and his dad comes up and they sit down and the dad says something like "You serving our country is the thing I am most proud of." and ok. Then the dad says something like "When are you going to settle down and your mom wants GRANDBABIES!" and Jack is all like "Dude, just retired from the army. Give me some time." and they laugh and then Jack's phone rings and you know it is baaad news. Aunt Linda has died. We are now in a car with Amy and her friend who looks like JLo circa 1998. They talk about the funeral and how Amy never knew that her aunt was sick and how the bakery is going to close and blah blah. She gets dropped off in the town and it is the perfect small town that Hallmark loves to use. I am also trying to figure it out because it doesn't look cold and it is December and I kind of assumed it's in Montana. Anyway, she walks into a lawyer's office and hey, it's Jake Busey! The bully! Now all grown up and doing law stuff. Look at that! And my word, he has his father's teeth.
Amy walks into Busey's office and there is Jack and she is not happy. Obviously these two haven't talked in years. She alludes to her mega important job and Jack mocks her and it comes out that he has been checking the INTERNET and she says "Oh! You have been cyber stalking me?!?!" and oh honey, whatever. Do you not have Facebook? And during that whole cyber stalking talk, they make fun of some guy's teeth and Amy is like "Yuck, who likes big teeth?!?" and it is a total Busey burn and he covers his teeth in shame and I am so freaking confused!! Also, the guy playing Jack is someone called Patrick Muldoon and fun fact, Busey, Richards and Muldoon were all in Starship Troopers together and ten bucks they got drunk every night while filming this because where has the time gone and why are we not being invited to Academy parties?! Cough. So it turns out that Aunt Linda has left both Jack and Amy her house and her bakery. By the way, Jack is not related to Aunt Linda, he was obviously just a kid who really really liked cookies. There is also a handwritten letter from Aunt Linda imploring Jack and Amy to re-open the bakery and to host the Christmas Cookie Competition. I see you Aunt Linda, playing matchmaker beyond the grave. I respect that, you little shiksa shadchun. Amy says it is simply impossible because she is very very important and Jack mocks her. Lovely.
Amy heads to the bakery and we are treated to a flashback as her as a child with Jack and Aunt Linda and did Jack not have a home? She then heads to O'Brians to find Jack and her saucy friend (former bakery employee) who is married to the high school economics teacher and decides that she will help get the bakery set up again and her friend is re-hired with a 10 % raise. Um Amy, the bakery was practically bankrupt and you live in New York and I know your apartment is probably outrageously expensive and highlights and Botox don't pay for themselves but whatever, let's get this bakery up and running. The 4 of them set up the place with budget Christmas decorations and of course, they can't find Aunt Linda's recipe tin. OF COURSE. HOW EVER CAN THEY GO ON WITHOUT RECIPES FROM THE 80's!!!?!?!
They re-open and there is a baking moment with cheesy country Christmas music and you can tell there is chemistry between Jack and Amy. And of course, Jack and Amy are sharing Aunt Linda's home and we find out that they were the it-couple back in the day. You can also see that Amy is really back into the swing of things because she now wears plaid shirts and jeans. Oh Amy. Since Amy is a marketing genius, she gets to plug their bakery and Christmas Cookie Competition on the radio and that is terrible lighting for both of them.
Things are still going well despite the fact that they can't find the tin. Amy and Jack go out for dinner and she says "I forgot we had a table" and he says "We had everything." Oh sweet mother of... They finish dinner and sit in the car and then they kiss. The next morning we see them in the kitchen as they act awkwardly and she is wearing a pyjama top and he is wearing the bottoms and this is very reminiscent of that episode in Who's the Boss where Angela and Tony have to share a hotel room and there is so much sexual tension and...
So we don't know if they got it on the night before since this is Hallmark. They end up going to the lawyer's office because apparently Busey has a deal they cannot refuse. Young bully is still bad. He offers them 400,000 dollars for Aunt Linda's house and the bakery and Jack and Amy decide that selling is for the best... guess they didn't sleep together last night or Jack has lost his mojo. They sign the paperwork and Jack Busey says something like "Sign at the red flags... I mean.. they are orange." and you just know a Hallmark writer high fived himself when he came up with that. Busey gets a phone call and he leaves the room and Amy knows something is up so she eavesdrops and hears that he is selling the bakery to Espressos R Us. Oh COME ON! She checks Busey's desk and finds the recipe tin! OH THE DECEIT! Jack rips up the paperwork and they head back to the bakery where they are determined more than ever to make the Christmas Cookie Competition a huge success! Of course Amy's boss calls and tells her there is an emergency. Apparently the spokesperson they had hired for that one department store has been caught holding a competing department store's bag. OH NO! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO!?! It is December 22nd and the boss wants Amy to fly back to New York and create a new campaign within 48 hours. Now, there are a couple of problems with this plan 1) you cannot create an ad campaign in 48 hours and 2) what ad campaign for Christmas releases on Christmas EVE?!? It makes no sense... probably about as much sense as Parker Stevenson once being considered a sex symbol. Amy says she will come back and Jack hears that and freaks and we kind of find out that they were together in high school and then she wanted more from her life and left for New York and that was the end of their relationship and obviously her leaving again is re-opening old scars and man up, Jack.
So Amy is back in New York and the new campaign is a success. And Jack gets everything ready from the Christmas Cookie Competition. And it is Christmas Eve and Amy's boss is getting ready for the company party and asks her assistant "Where's Amy?" and then Amy calls from a taxi and says something like "I'm sorry, I have to quit and move back to Chestnut." and the boss smiles and hangs up and her assistant is all like "Well that's just so unprofessional" and the boss is all like "This is why you will always be an assistant... no passion." BUUURRNNN. The Christmas Cookie Competition is underway and the radio host tries all the cookies and then of course, OF COURSE, O'Brian's melting snowmen cookies win after like 50 years. O'Brian should be about 80 at this point but he too must use the Botox. When O'Brian wins, they look for the trophy ribbon and oh, oh, LOOK! AMY HAS IT AND SHE IS BACK! HUUURRRRAAAAAYYYY! If you win the Christmas Cookie Competition, you get your recipe added to the recipe tin and when they add O'Brian's recipe, they find a letter from Aunt Linda and she has written something like "I knew you two would make it." and Aunt Linda kind of freaks me out.
The film ends and you are wondering if Chestnut has a licensed dermatologist for Botox and if Amy will soon regret not being in Manhattan, getting drunk off mojitos with fab friends. And will Jack prove to be a controlling ass? Oh! The questions! So that's the re-cap. It wasn't the worst and it definitely wasn't the best, but Hallmark stayed true to themselves and I hate to admit this, but I kind of like Jake Busey. I know I KNOW! Happy Sunday!
So after doing a Google image search on Hallmark Christmas films, I settled on A Christmas Reunion starring Denise Richards because this cover had what I was looking for... yes... So come with me on a magical re-cap of a cheesy film.
We start off with the gold standard of Hallmark films: a montage of something Christmasy. It can vary from a small town decked out for Christmas, ornaments on a tree or in this case, Christmas cookies. A song is playing and it most likely will contain the sweet dulcet tones of a saxamaphone (thank you, Simpsons). After the 2 minute intro showing the names of actors who may or may not have made bad life choices, we are transported to an industrial kitchen. Two kids: a girl and a boy, are making ribbon trophies. I'm guessing the girl is about 8 and the boy is about 11 and soon we are all going to have to have a little talk about feelings and age of consent. They finish the trophy and Aunt Linda with a fabulous wig walks in and immediately makes it clear that she wants these two to one day hook up. This is where I start to wonder if she is both their Aunt Linda and we need to all have a little talk about not hooking up with cousins. We find out that Aunt Linda is hosting the annual Christmas Cookie Competition and has a muy importante recipe tin. They head to O'Brian's Diner which I assume is the town's Irish bar but I was wrong. It looks like an Italian restaurant from Goodfellas. I'm confused. The kids (Amy and Jack) head to the kitchen to put out the cookies and then at one point a bully comes in and pushes Jack and you know that is totally going to be Jake Busey. Yes, Jake Busey. I will get to that later.
The competition begins and poor Mr. O'Brian makes melted snowmen cookies every damn year and every damn year he loses. Womp Womp. Foreshadowing. After the competition, Jack and Amy head to the kitchen because Jack has a surprise for Amy and somebody should be watching these two. He hands her a cookie and they smile at each other and Aunt Linda pops her head in (hopefully with a hose just in case) and she smiles knowingly. Blech, they aren't even teenagers yet!! And then the music starts up and we are treated to a montage of New York City at Christmas (of course) and the sentence "30 Years Later" plays across the screen. Now, wait a damn minute. I saw the customers at the Cookie Competition... nobody was dressed like the 80s. No blue eyeshadow, no big hair, not even an oversized cross necklace. COME ON HALLMARK! You could have tried a little. Send your costume department to Hot Topic, get some cheap fishnets, sew on some shoulder pads. I am disappointed in you. Anyway, we now end up in the office of who I believe is Amy all grown up. And I kind of appreciate Hallmark for saying 30 years later rather than 20 years later because while Denise Richards looks great, 28 she is not. So we can immediately tell that Amy has a high powered job based on her grey power suit and her jerky assistant who actually kind of stole the show throughout (Just looked him up. His name is Danny Lacy. Hallmark, put him in more films.)
So Amy has a meeting with her boss but suddenly her phone rings and you know it is bad news because the camera pans to a pretty woman sitting on a sofa looking sad telling Amy she has bad news. Obviously shaken but trying to be professional, she walks in to see her boss. And the boss is none other than PARKER STEVENSON! PARKER! I once watched some E True Hollywood story about Kirstie Alley and she used to be married to Parker Stevenson and apparently he was supposed to be the big next thing and when it didn't work out, they divorced. In what universe was Parker Stevenson a big thing? The man looks like your local trying-to-be cool pastor. Moving on... he tells Amy that he is incredibly impressed with her campaign (apparently they hired a famous hot guy to be the face of a department store, apparently sales increased by 25 % and apparently this is one of the biggest ad agencies in America) and he wants to promote her to junior partner. And he is going to announce it at the company Christmas party on Christmas Eve! Alright, wait, first of all, totally douchey to have a company party on Christmas Eve and second of all, way to keep company morale up by announcing a promotion at a party. He finally notices that Amy seems a little upset and she admits that her aunt just passed away. Her aunt that raised her after her parents passed. Oh Amy. In a rare move, the boss tells her that family is the most important thing to which Amy responds "You've been married 3 times." and guuuurrrlll, that's some sass. He tells her to go pay her respects in her town "Hazelnut" and Amy says "Chestnut" and ughhhh.
Now we have a Florida coastline montage and I am wondering if I somehow missed the fact that Chestnut is in Florida oh no, never mind. There's Jack all grown up. We know it's Jack because he has the same damn haircut that the kid actor had. Jack's working on something that involves tools and his dad comes up and they sit down and the dad says something like "You serving our country is the thing I am most proud of." and ok. Then the dad says something like "When are you going to settle down and your mom wants GRANDBABIES!" and Jack is all like "Dude, just retired from the army. Give me some time." and they laugh and then Jack's phone rings and you know it is baaad news. Aunt Linda has died. We are now in a car with Amy and her friend who looks like JLo circa 1998. They talk about the funeral and how Amy never knew that her aunt was sick and how the bakery is going to close and blah blah. She gets dropped off in the town and it is the perfect small town that Hallmark loves to use. I am also trying to figure it out because it doesn't look cold and it is December and I kind of assumed it's in Montana. Anyway, she walks into a lawyer's office and hey, it's Jake Busey! The bully! Now all grown up and doing law stuff. Look at that! And my word, he has his father's teeth.
Amy walks into Busey's office and there is Jack and she is not happy. Obviously these two haven't talked in years. She alludes to her mega important job and Jack mocks her and it comes out that he has been checking the INTERNET and she says "Oh! You have been cyber stalking me?!?!" and oh honey, whatever. Do you not have Facebook? And during that whole cyber stalking talk, they make fun of some guy's teeth and Amy is like "Yuck, who likes big teeth?!?" and it is a total Busey burn and he covers his teeth in shame and I am so freaking confused!! Also, the guy playing Jack is someone called Patrick Muldoon and fun fact, Busey, Richards and Muldoon were all in Starship Troopers together and ten bucks they got drunk every night while filming this because where has the time gone and why are we not being invited to Academy parties?! Cough. So it turns out that Aunt Linda has left both Jack and Amy her house and her bakery. By the way, Jack is not related to Aunt Linda, he was obviously just a kid who really really liked cookies. There is also a handwritten letter from Aunt Linda imploring Jack and Amy to re-open the bakery and to host the Christmas Cookie Competition. I see you Aunt Linda, playing matchmaker beyond the grave. I respect that, you little shiksa shadchun. Amy says it is simply impossible because she is very very important and Jack mocks her. Lovely.
Amy heads to the bakery and we are treated to a flashback as her as a child with Jack and Aunt Linda and did Jack not have a home? She then heads to O'Brians to find Jack and her saucy friend (former bakery employee) who is married to the high school economics teacher and decides that she will help get the bakery set up again and her friend is re-hired with a 10 % raise. Um Amy, the bakery was practically bankrupt and you live in New York and I know your apartment is probably outrageously expensive and highlights and Botox don't pay for themselves but whatever, let's get this bakery up and running. The 4 of them set up the place with budget Christmas decorations and of course, they can't find Aunt Linda's recipe tin. OF COURSE. HOW EVER CAN THEY GO ON WITHOUT RECIPES FROM THE 80's!!!?!?!
They re-open and there is a baking moment with cheesy country Christmas music and you can tell there is chemistry between Jack and Amy. And of course, Jack and Amy are sharing Aunt Linda's home and we find out that they were the it-couple back in the day. You can also see that Amy is really back into the swing of things because she now wears plaid shirts and jeans. Oh Amy. Since Amy is a marketing genius, she gets to plug their bakery and Christmas Cookie Competition on the radio and that is terrible lighting for both of them.
Things are still going well despite the fact that they can't find the tin. Amy and Jack go out for dinner and she says "I forgot we had a table" and he says "We had everything." Oh sweet mother of... They finish dinner and sit in the car and then they kiss. The next morning we see them in the kitchen as they act awkwardly and she is wearing a pyjama top and he is wearing the bottoms and this is very reminiscent of that episode in Who's the Boss where Angela and Tony have to share a hotel room and there is so much sexual tension and...
So we don't know if they got it on the night before since this is Hallmark. They end up going to the lawyer's office because apparently Busey has a deal they cannot refuse. Young bully is still bad. He offers them 400,000 dollars for Aunt Linda's house and the bakery and Jack and Amy decide that selling is for the best... guess they didn't sleep together last night or Jack has lost his mojo. They sign the paperwork and Jack Busey says something like "Sign at the red flags... I mean.. they are orange." and you just know a Hallmark writer high fived himself when he came up with that. Busey gets a phone call and he leaves the room and Amy knows something is up so she eavesdrops and hears that he is selling the bakery to Espressos R Us. Oh COME ON! She checks Busey's desk and finds the recipe tin! OH THE DECEIT! Jack rips up the paperwork and they head back to the bakery where they are determined more than ever to make the Christmas Cookie Competition a huge success! Of course Amy's boss calls and tells her there is an emergency. Apparently the spokesperson they had hired for that one department store has been caught holding a competing department store's bag. OH NO! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO!?! It is December 22nd and the boss wants Amy to fly back to New York and create a new campaign within 48 hours. Now, there are a couple of problems with this plan 1) you cannot create an ad campaign in 48 hours and 2) what ad campaign for Christmas releases on Christmas EVE?!? It makes no sense... probably about as much sense as Parker Stevenson once being considered a sex symbol. Amy says she will come back and Jack hears that and freaks and we kind of find out that they were together in high school and then she wanted more from her life and left for New York and that was the end of their relationship and obviously her leaving again is re-opening old scars and man up, Jack.
So Amy is back in New York and the new campaign is a success. And Jack gets everything ready from the Christmas Cookie Competition. And it is Christmas Eve and Amy's boss is getting ready for the company party and asks her assistant "Where's Amy?" and then Amy calls from a taxi and says something like "I'm sorry, I have to quit and move back to Chestnut." and the boss smiles and hangs up and her assistant is all like "Well that's just so unprofessional" and the boss is all like "This is why you will always be an assistant... no passion." BUUURRNNN. The Christmas Cookie Competition is underway and the radio host tries all the cookies and then of course, OF COURSE, O'Brian's melting snowmen cookies win after like 50 years. O'Brian should be about 80 at this point but he too must use the Botox. When O'Brian wins, they look for the trophy ribbon and oh, oh, LOOK! AMY HAS IT AND SHE IS BACK! HUUURRRRAAAAAYYYY! If you win the Christmas Cookie Competition, you get your recipe added to the recipe tin and when they add O'Brian's recipe, they find a letter from Aunt Linda and she has written something like "I knew you two would make it." and Aunt Linda kind of freaks me out.
The film ends and you are wondering if Chestnut has a licensed dermatologist for Botox and if Amy will soon regret not being in Manhattan, getting drunk off mojitos with fab friends. And will Jack prove to be a controlling ass? Oh! The questions! So that's the re-cap. It wasn't the worst and it definitely wasn't the best, but Hallmark stayed true to themselves and I hate to admit this, but I kind of like Jake Busey. I know I KNOW! Happy Sunday!
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