Lifetime Christmas Films - Undercover Christmas
Oh guys. I love made-for-tv films. I don't know what it is about them but they are special. The Husband and I truly love craptastic films that we can watch while on the sofa. We cackle, we discuss and we laugh and laugh. On one of our two romantical weekend trips we took this summer, we about lost our ever loving minds when we discovered that there was a channel that showed true life crime movies 24 hours straight. Oh! The goodness that was shown.
We watched a film starring the brunette from Charlie's angels. This true story was about a nurse who faked her pregnancies to hold on to her married boyfriend. Then she got desperate for babies and ended up killing a woman. Lori Laughlin starred in it as well. Fantastic. Then there was another one starring Jack Ritter who plays an abusive husband and it was kind of like someone casting Mr. Rogers to play a South American drug lord. All so wrong... But again, so fantastic. And the third film we watched starred Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna's lips. He plays a sex addict and she was the unsuspecting wife. I was totally bummed that we had to check out before we could watch the film starring Tori Spelling as a killer cheerleader. Gah!
So anyway, yes, we are those types of people. As Christmas comes hurtling towards us, I decided it was time to start the watching of terrible made-for-tv Christmas films. And so now I would like to recap the fine fine film Undercover Christmas.
So here is the story. It starts out with some terrible auto tuned saxophone cocktail bar music circa early 1990's even though it is supposed to 2003. Jaime Gertz (I LOVED YOU IN LOST BOYS AND TWISTER!) is a cocktail waitress forced to serve people while wearing a slutty Mrs. Claus outfit.
We quickly find out that her boyfriend is a douche and has once again reneged on his promise to take her to his family's fancy schmancy Christmas party. She is obsessed with attending this Christmas party because well, her name is Brandy and she works in a cocktail bar. She is being watched by a tall and dark stranger and the viewer, the brilliant viewer, pretty much realizes that this guy will play an important role veddy veddy soon. Brandy's co-worker, feeling sorry for her, invites her over for Christmas because, and I quote "Her kids' dads are all busy." because of course. A mommy with several baby daddies must work at a cocktail bar. Where are all the med students I ask you?!?
Brandy ends up throwing a drink in her douchey boyfriend's face and storms out. Then the tall and dark stranger stops her in the street and tells her he is an FBI agent and that her douchey boyfriend has scammed people. People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth.
Next we see Brandy at a police station being coerced to testify against her boyfriend. The prosecutor points out her nice nice nice jacket and the fact that her boyfriend has put her up in a nice nice nice apartment that she can't possibly afford as a cocktail waitress so ergo she could be considered an accomplice to his bad bad ways, scamming people with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Brandy has no choice but to testify.
Dark and tall stranger, is of course in charge of keeping her safe until the trial. Earlier in this craptastic film, we see his mother ask him to come home for Christmas and once again Jake (his name is Jake because of course it is) says he can't come because he has to work. Jake decides to take Brandy to a safe location and while they are eating something at a truck stop, he gets a call that his dad has had a heart attack. He has no choice but to get home ASAP with Brandy in tow. They pull up to the house around 7 or 8 (heh) and Brandy can't believe the grandness of it all. We know this as a viewer because the camera zooms in and out allover the ground floor of the house with angelic music playing. Jake's mom is all faaancy and not at all impressed with cocktail waitress Brandy. Because of course no one corrects mom that Jake is boinking Brandy.
The mom even explains to the family that Jake has brought home a "predator". OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!?! Anyway, Also, the film kind of glosses over the fact that the mom totally lied to her son that her husband had a heart attack, This was her clever ploy. Her disgustingly terrible ploy to get Jake to come home for Christmas. Meanwhile, Brandy becomes smitten with all the awesomeness that is the family even though there is an undertone of serious disfunction. Patriarch Jake's dad points out that his daughter should spend less time being lawyer and more time being a mother to his granddaughter and in the same breath berates Jake for not being all that he can be. Gah!! Then Brandy is told that the family has a fancy schmancy Christmas party and Brandy says out loud, to Jake's mother, that she has nothing to wear. Me thinks the Mrs. Claus dress would have been just fine with a little sweatah. Cue low budget Pretty Woman scene. Gah!
So the party starts and Brandy now looks like dis.
And Jake is all smitten. And they have literally known each other for 24 hours but you know it is love and the whole family is starting to accept Brandy because she now wears panty hose. Until... one guest recognizes her as the cocktail waitress that is supposed to be testifying against his client in a few days. And then Jake dad is pissed that he was lied to and then Jake says something about Brandy being a real American because she is going to testify and at this point I started shoving bamboo shoots under my nails.
After some yelling, they all go to bed and Brandy tells some sob story about her mom being the village bicycle and that all she wants is a real family Christmas and Jake apparently is even more smitten with her. Or he is thinking about her mom. The next morning they have a real CHRISTMAS and Brandy gets all sorts of gifts and even makes the teenage granddaughter happy and Jake and his dad still can't make up and then it is time for Jake to bring Brandy to a safe place so that she can testify.
Lo and behold, once in the hotel, her douchey boyfriend shows up with presents and trys to convince her not to testify against him. Me thinks it would have been cheaper to hire a hitman but I guess Lifetime decided against that clichee. She mulls it over after douchey boyfriend leaves and then Jake comes by and spies the presents. And then they have a dramatic talk about how he thinks she could do better and she is all like "I can't do better. I'm just a cocktail waitress." and I am all like "What?! She gets a mink coat and she is a COCKTAIL WAITRESS?!? NO! She can't do better! I don't have a mink coat!" (disclaimer: I don't buy fur and am a huge fan of fake fur.. but come on!). Then Jake storms out and we, the viewers, are left wondering whether or not Brandy will testify. Oh! The suspense!
Cut to the next day and Brandy shows up to court all suited up in something conservative that Jake's family would approve of. Jake's mom and dad come to support her and the dad apologizes to Jake for being a jerk. Brandy rocks the trial by naming all the shady shady crap her douchey boyfriend did to people. People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Because of course a guy like her douchey boyfriend would tell his cocktail waitress girlfriend EVERYTHING!
Case closed. Brandy leaves court. Is called a hero. Jake is praised by his dad for bringing down the biggest case of tax evasion eva (wait, I thought the boyfriend scammed people? What?) and then Brandy and Jake stand on the courthouse steps and say something stupid and then she invites him to her mom's place for Christmas and then they kiss and then it snows.
We pan out to a woman wearing a Christmas sweater standing on her front porch of a not so nice house. She is smoking because she is Brandy's mom and ergo the reformed village bicycle has to be obviously slightly flawed to us viewers. Jake and Brandy show up and they all hug and go inside. The end. What? What the hell? That made no sense. None at all... which is probably why this type of film is awesome. If you made it this far through my re-cap, I salute you. Stay tuned for another one in a week or two. This was way too much fun.
We watched a film starring the brunette from Charlie's angels. This true story was about a nurse who faked her pregnancies to hold on to her married boyfriend. Then she got desperate for babies and ended up killing a woman. Lori Laughlin starred in it as well. Fantastic. Then there was another one starring Jack Ritter who plays an abusive husband and it was kind of like someone casting Mr. Rogers to play a South American drug lord. All so wrong... But again, so fantastic. And the third film we watched starred Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna's lips. He plays a sex addict and she was the unsuspecting wife. I was totally bummed that we had to check out before we could watch the film starring Tori Spelling as a killer cheerleader. Gah!
So anyway, yes, we are those types of people. As Christmas comes hurtling towards us, I decided it was time to start the watching of terrible made-for-tv Christmas films. And so now I would like to recap the fine fine film Undercover Christmas.
So here is the story. It starts out with some terrible auto tuned saxophone cocktail bar music circa early 1990's even though it is supposed to 2003. Jaime Gertz (I LOVED YOU IN LOST BOYS AND TWISTER!) is a cocktail waitress forced to serve people while wearing a slutty Mrs. Claus outfit.
We quickly find out that her boyfriend is a douche and has once again reneged on his promise to take her to his family's fancy schmancy Christmas party. She is obsessed with attending this Christmas party because well, her name is Brandy and she works in a cocktail bar. She is being watched by a tall and dark stranger and the viewer, the brilliant viewer, pretty much realizes that this guy will play an important role veddy veddy soon. Brandy's co-worker, feeling sorry for her, invites her over for Christmas because, and I quote "Her kids' dads are all busy." because of course. A mommy with several baby daddies must work at a cocktail bar. Where are all the med students I ask you?!?
Brandy ends up throwing a drink in her douchey boyfriend's face and storms out. Then the tall and dark stranger stops her in the street and tells her he is an FBI agent and that her douchey boyfriend has scammed people. People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth.
Next we see Brandy at a police station being coerced to testify against her boyfriend. The prosecutor points out her nice nice nice jacket and the fact that her boyfriend has put her up in a nice nice nice apartment that she can't possibly afford as a cocktail waitress so ergo she could be considered an accomplice to his bad bad ways, scamming people with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Brandy has no choice but to testify.
Dark and tall stranger, is of course in charge of keeping her safe until the trial. Earlier in this craptastic film, we see his mother ask him to come home for Christmas and once again Jake (his name is Jake because of course it is) says he can't come because he has to work. Jake decides to take Brandy to a safe location and while they are eating something at a truck stop, he gets a call that his dad has had a heart attack. He has no choice but to get home ASAP with Brandy in tow. They pull up to the house around 7 or 8 (heh) and Brandy can't believe the grandness of it all. We know this as a viewer because the camera zooms in and out allover the ground floor of the house with angelic music playing. Jake's mom is all faaancy and not at all impressed with cocktail waitress Brandy. Because of course no one corrects mom that Jake is boinking Brandy.
The mom even explains to the family that Jake has brought home a "predator". OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!?! Anyway, Also, the film kind of glosses over the fact that the mom totally lied to her son that her husband had a heart attack, This was her clever ploy. Her disgustingly terrible ploy to get Jake to come home for Christmas. Meanwhile, Brandy becomes smitten with all the awesomeness that is the family even though there is an undertone of serious disfunction. Patriarch Jake's dad points out that his daughter should spend less time being lawyer and more time being a mother to his granddaughter and in the same breath berates Jake for not being all that he can be. Gah!! Then Brandy is told that the family has a fancy schmancy Christmas party and Brandy says out loud, to Jake's mother, that she has nothing to wear. Me thinks the Mrs. Claus dress would have been just fine with a little sweatah. Cue low budget Pretty Woman scene. Gah!
So the party starts and Brandy now looks like dis.
And Jake is all smitten. And they have literally known each other for 24 hours but you know it is love and the whole family is starting to accept Brandy because she now wears panty hose. Until... one guest recognizes her as the cocktail waitress that is supposed to be testifying against his client in a few days. And then Jake dad is pissed that he was lied to and then Jake says something about Brandy being a real American because she is going to testify and at this point I started shoving bamboo shoots under my nails.
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| That was literally his smitten look through out the film. |
Lo and behold, once in the hotel, her douchey boyfriend shows up with presents and trys to convince her not to testify against him. Me thinks it would have been cheaper to hire a hitman but I guess Lifetime decided against that clichee. She mulls it over after douchey boyfriend leaves and then Jake comes by and spies the presents. And then they have a dramatic talk about how he thinks she could do better and she is all like "I can't do better. I'm just a cocktail waitress." and I am all like "What?! She gets a mink coat and she is a COCKTAIL WAITRESS?!? NO! She can't do better! I don't have a mink coat!" (disclaimer: I don't buy fur and am a huge fan of fake fur.. but come on!). Then Jake storms out and we, the viewers, are left wondering whether or not Brandy will testify. Oh! The suspense!
Cut to the next day and Brandy shows up to court all suited up in something conservative that Jake's family would approve of. Jake's mom and dad come to support her and the dad apologizes to Jake for being a jerk. Brandy rocks the trial by naming all the shady shady crap her douchey boyfriend did to people. People with children. People who are retired. Good people who give all their money to a guy with terrible bleach blonde hair and Gary Busey teeth. Because of course a guy like her douchey boyfriend would tell his cocktail waitress girlfriend EVERYTHING!
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| Lemme tell you about my money-laundering scheme after you bring me a scotch. |
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| I regret not doing the Lost Boys sequel |
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