Melania Trump's Operation Tubetop Make Over: How to Appeal to Us Normies

Now, yesterday I shared an interview with Melania Trump on a friend’s wall. I figured she would appreciate this woman’s lack of awareness, humility and basic common sense. I have been awake since 4 (thanks, Kiddo) and this gave me the chance to re-work Melania’s interview... you know.. make her sound approachable and not like an entitled Fembot, bleeding-virgins-in-the-attic-to- maintain-her-youth kind of gal. In no way is this a political post but more a post about making fun of the over-privileged and the extreme wealthy. I'm a Canadian so I am not telling you who to vote for. I just found this interview to be AMAZING.

Now, don’t get me wrong... I can be a snob. But Melania takes it to a whole new level. So here it is broken down a little. The first paragraph is the actual interview, the second, what she should have said and the third.. .well... what she really meant (in my words).

She doesn’t drink Starbucks: “I don’t drink Starbucks,” she says. You don’t drink coffee? I ask. “I drink coffee, but I don’t drink Starbucks. My son likes it, the what do you call it? The Frappuccino? He likes that.”

Better answer: Starbucks? Oh my son loves it! He loves his Frappuccino

What she really meant: I would not be caught dead in Starbucks. My nanny told me he likes Frappuccino’s. I assume this is a type of popped collar Lacoste shirt.

The Clintons’ wedding gift to the Trumps? “I don’t think they sent a gift. Some people didn’t send gifts.”

Better answer: Oh! It wasn’t about the gifts! We were just blessed to have so many people join us for our very special day.

What she really meant: Bitch Hilary just bought the salt shaker and not the pepper shaker from Williams and Sonoma.

How she’s been misrepresented in the media: “That I’m shy. I’m not shy. I know what I want, and I’m selective.”

Better answer: People think I am shy but really... I like to think before I speak. [Place some old Slovenian proverb here about thinking before answering]

What she really meant: People say that I am a bitch. I am what I am. I like gold... and blood diamonds.

On Chris Matthews’ leering comment about her model-strut: “Unbelievable. That’s what I’m saying! I’m not only a beauty, I’m smart. I have brains. I’m intelligent… I would just say, Men will be men.”

Better answer: I was a model (laughs). I never thought about my walk before.

What she really meant: I AM THE HOTTEST WOMAN ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE! BOW DOWN TO ME PEASANTS! And I laugh when men slap my ass. 

Where she shopped for furniture when she first moved to NYC: “I went to Crate & Barrel. Does that still exist or no?”

Better answer: I went to Crate and Barrel. I will never forget my very first futon. I was so proud to purchase that with my pay cheque. I saved and I saved....

What she really meant: I am disgusted that I ever set foot in there. I wish I could burn it to the ground.

She moved in with Trump before they were married: “When I moved here with my husband, we weren’t married yet—so I kept my apartment.”

Better answer: Meeting him was so special! I loved my apartment but there just wasn’t room for the two of us!

What she really meant: Damn straight I kept that apartment. Gold-digging 101. Keep your apartment just in case... well... until there is a ring on your finger.

Meeting Michael Jackson: “I met Michael Jackson. It was here in New York in the Pierre Hotel. He called us, so we went over and we had dinner. Just after dinner, we were chatting on the sofa and my husband went into another room to see some art somebody wanted to show him. And Michael said to me, ‘Hey, when Trump comes back, let’s start kissing so he will be jealous!’ ” They didn’t kiss, she says, “No, no, no. But we were laughing so hard.”

Better answer: I never met Michael Jackson.

What she really meant: HE HAD MORE MONEY THAN THE DONALD BACK THEN AND I TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR IT BECAUSE I WOULD BE FREE BY NOW!!

She’s not a famewhore: “I have a life. I go out every day. I bring my son to school. I pick him up. I’m not an attention seeker. I’m not the one who calls paparazzi, ‘I have lunch with the girlfriends, and I’m going to this restaurant.’ I get along [with] the moms at the school pick-up, it’s ‘Hello, how are you?’ But it’s not friends friends. I like quality over quantity.”

Better answer: I’m just like every other mom in America! I meet my friends, do the school drop offs and pick ups. I am blessed to know so many amazing people.

What she really meant: I hate other mothers. I hate mingling with commoners. I hate any woman under 40.

Her 10-year-old son doesn’t sleep on the same floor as his parents: “The third floor is Barron’s. It’s much easier that way. For him as well. He has friends over, he has his toys. He has a play date tomorrow and is bringing two friends over. They come here, they go upstairs and they play. They kick a ball, they play with iPads. I don’t allow Xbox before homework is done.”

Better answer: He is just a regular 10 year old boy (laughs and rolls her eyes in that ‘kids will be kids’ kind of way). He loves to have his friends over to play soccer and video games. The energy on that kid.

What she really meant: Baron needs his own space because if I find anymore silly putty on my imported Italian Versace drapes, I’m sending him to boarding school.

What happens for immigrants, like Melania, who want to come to the US legally: “The law needs to be changed to help those kind of people. But they can’t just sneak in and be here. That’s what I’m saying. I do have sympathy. I’m a very compassionate person. But don’t sneak in and stay here without papers. We need to follow the law. If the law needs to be different, we need to do that.”

Better answer: I am a proud American who immigrated. We need to change our policies to ensure a better process.. to make America strong and to maintain our values of supporting a healthy influx of immigrants. With better integration policies and better acceptance from society as a whole. I should know better than anyone what a struggle it is to immigrate to a new land, to be accepted and to flourish.

What she really meant: Can we wrap this up soon? Rosalita called in sick after her appendix burst and I am livid. This is her second sick day in 10 years.

On Louis CK calling Trump “Hitler”: “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler. He wants to help America. He wants to unite people. They think he doesn’t but he does. Even with the Muslims, it’s temporary… Maybe he needs to say it in a softer way. He doesn’t go after religions. He feels like we need to know who’s coming to this country. If not, we don’t have a country. That’s how he feels. We see how he is, and he wants to unite the country and bring people together and bring jobs back.”

Better answer: I don’t even know how to address such a ridiculous remark (laughs and moves on).

What she really meant: Hitler? No.. Goebbels... well....

On campaigning in Iowa: “It was kind of a fun experience. We stayed in a hotel. It was clean. It was, I think, a Holiday Inn. You do it in a fun way. My husband knows me and how I am. I like beautiful stuff. I live the life. It’s funny when we go and travel. They don’t have five-star hotels there, but you go with it. It was a great experience in Iowa, because we went to an Evangelical church on Sunday. The church we got married in is very different. In Iowa there was a band, there was singing. It was very different, but it was a great experience. Being on the campaign trail and traveling around the country is hard work.”

Better answer: The campaign trail is hard work. You are away from your home and the travelling can be tiring but at the end of the day, I know we are fighting the good fight. It is incredible to meet people from around the States. I will never forget our very special morning at an Evangelical church in Iowa: the singing and the band, it was so warm and lovely!

What she really meant: I had to stay at the effing Holiday Inn. THE HOLIDAY INN?!? I am Melania Trump for eff’s sake! I COULD BUY YOU ALL! I had to bring my own mattress, sheets, hair dresser, dermatologist, stylist and manicurist. It was Hell. I’m itchy just thinking about. OH GOD! DO I HAVE BED BUGS?!?!