A Tova Movie Re-cap: Bram Stoker's Dracula
You all like that I am reviewing films that are over 20 years old, right? I'm like Grandpa Simpson. Today's post is a re-cap of one of my all time favourite Halloween movies EVER. And it isn't just a Halloween movie.. it is so much more. It is Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula.
I remember exactly when I saw this film for the first time. We were at my Godmother's cottage in Quebec and my parents and I and my brother headed to the video store. I stood in front of this VHS cover and stared and stared (that's how I would let my parents know I wanted something back in the day. I was not allowed to beg for toys so in my brilliant infantile wisdom, I concocted a full proof plan. I would stand in front of a toy (probably a My Little Pony) and stare and stare and stare. I was subtle. I still do this today at jewelry stores.) I was 12 years old at the time and had graduated from being fascinated with witches to vampires. Puberty, guys. I was OBSESSED with all things paranormal and dark. A little goth that wasn't allowed to wear black or paint her walls grey... repressed, I was. So when my parents relented and rented this film, I almost fainted from complete and utter joy. We headed back to the cottage, set up the film and BOOM! Instant love affair with Gary Oldman and vampires and IT WAS ALL SO VERY MUCH! I probably shouldn't have been watching this film at the age of 12 but my parents did the whole "LA LA LA LALALA! GO GET YOURSELF ANOTHER DRINK IN THE KITCHEN TOVA!" whenever a sex scene would come on. This explains A LOT about me. Wow, break through. Anyway, the film was dark and romantic and twisted and everything I could have ever imagine from a film. I LURVED IT. And to totally quote that ridiculous image above "Love Never Dies."
So here is my re-cap and my observations and oh, I do so love this movie. We start off with Romania near the Carpathian mountains in the 15th century. The Ottoman Empire is making its way West and is a "threat to Christianity". One prince (Dracul - Gary Oldman looking the hottest he will ever look) is off to battle in his odd ribbed for her pleasure armor and says good bye to his one true love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). (My middle name is Elizabeth and when 12 year old me saw this film, my mind exploded).
He goes off to battle the Turks and is victorious. I guess. But meanwhile, some jerks shoot an arrow into his castle with a message saying the hot Gary Oldman has been killed and Elisabeta realizing that 15th century Romania might not be the best place to be single and hot during a war, jumps to her death. Dracul (who is not dead) comes back to find his wife dead and he is NOT.HAPPY. The darn priest standing over her dead body decides to poke the beast and says "Well, you know this means she won't go to heaven because you know, suicide..." and then Dracul maad. Dracul very maaad. He renounces Christianity and takes his sword and stabs the Cross with it and blood comes out and he should really write an Amazon review about that because I don't think that is supposed to happen. He drinks from the blood and BOOM! Welcome to eternal life.
We are now in London 400 years later... at an insane asylum. A Mr. Renfield is staying a while because he just isn't fun to hang out with anymore. Apparently ever since he got back from Romania, he's been acting a little loopy and not getting a round in at the bar with his buddies. 1800s London was rough, guys. So then we are in a law office where a Johnathon Harker (KEANU REEVES GUYS!) with a terrible British accent is being told he needs to replace Mr. Renfield and head to Romania. There is that guy Dracul who wants to buy a ton of real estate in London and if Johnathon gets the deal, he will probably be promoted. Johnathon stupidly does not ask about per diems or if he can claim the traveler miles for personal use. We then meet Mina. Wait! Wait just a second! She looks just like that Elisabeta chick! Hurrah for reincarnation! She is visiting with her friend Lucy who lives in like a really really nice house. Lucy is played by Sadie Frost which finally introduces us to the one actual British person playing a British person so far in this film.
Mina is sad because she has to say good bye to Johnathon (her fiancee) as he shoots off to Romania. But she fills her time looking at Kama Sutra books and judging her friend Lucy. Dammit Mina, she's putting you up in an awesome house while your boyfriend travels to the East. Show some gratitude. Meanwhile, Johnathon is on his way to Romania. He writes a diary and travels by train and it is all very Bohemian and dark. He arrives by carriage to an unmarked station in the woods and tells the driver "But..but, we are early. There is nobody here yet." yeah, like he cares. Welcome to the real world Keanu, I mean Johnathon. A minute later a spooky carriage rounds the corner and the driver stretches out his claw-like arm and pushes Johnathon into the carriage. See, at this point I would have been like "No thanks and where is the closest Raddisson?" After a harrowing ride to the castle, he is left alone in the courtyard. He walks up to the door and knocks and it suddenly opens and who is there? A MAN WITH BOOBS ON HIS HEAD!! WHAT?!
Oh no, that's just an old guy who looks creeptastic. Now here is a plot hole. This guy owns a castle, is buying high end property in London and has a chaffeur and yet he has to answer his own damn door? Dude. Johnathon and Dracul have dinner together. Well, the human eats and the vampire just makes bad one liners about never drinking...wine. After dinner they sign some paperwork and Johnathon congratulates Dracul and I think FedEx would have been an easier solution. Suddenly Dracul sees a small picture and it is of Mina (aka Elisabeta) and BOOM! new project! He instructs Johnathon that he needs to write his loved ones that he will be staying another month chez Vlad and Johnathon isn't too pleased because he totally didn't bring his travel-sized humidifier and his sinuses are going to kill him. Dracul hops and skips away to book some budget flights to the UK to be with his soulmate.
Mina is bummed that she won't be getting action for a while since Johnathon is staying in Romania and Lucy is trying to decide on who to marry. Bachelor number 1 is a doctor who works in the insane asylum, Bachelor number 2 is a large Texan and Bachelor number 3 is a wealthy British earl/duke kind of guy. I think we all know who I would choose. Meanwhile, Dracul is on his way over to his Elisabeta. He makes his way to London in a box of dirt... guess Business Class was booked. And immediately heads over to Lucy's house. Under some weird trance, Lucy heads outside in a bizarre Herve Leger dress in the middle of the night during a storm. Mina sees her and follows her through the gardens. As Mina rounds the corner, she sees Lucy doing a very naughty thing with a were-wolf type thing. This is the part my parents sent me to the kitchen. The were-wolf thing is actually Dracul and he sees Mina and is a little embarrassed so he Men in Black's her so she won't remember that he is doing her best friend because that will be awkward when they start dating again.
Meanwhile, back in Transylvania, Johnathon is being drained of blood and having fun with three very hot female vampires. You want to feel sorry for him and yet... Back in London Mina heads out for some shopping. Dracul, suddenly young and hot is following her. Now, I don't usually go for mustaches or long hair on men but slap on an accent and tell me you own a castle and prime real estate; instant hotness. He approaches her and tries to pick her up in the worst possible way "Yeah, so I'm lost and new in town and you like movies?" She isn't too impressed but then he throws out the ultimate pick up line "I'm a prince." Kind of like our modern day "I'm a doctor." Works like a charm.
She takes him to the movies and then he tries to bite her and then realizes that his life kind of sucks and doesn't want to do the same to her so his teeth retract and then a wolf shows up and then there is this weird zoom in of leather gloves caressing a white wolf and that was very uncomfortable. Lucy is starting to get a little paler and a little sicker and we see bite marks on her throat and her fiancee (she chose the duke guy (yeah she did)) and he says one of the hottest sentences ever "Spare no expense" to find a cure. Rejected Bachelor 1 decides to invite his old mentor Dr. Van Helsing. Anthony Hopkins! WHAT?! With a German accent?! What?! He shows up and realizes that there is a vampire in their midst. Mina accepts a dinner date with her new foreign prince guy because Johnathon is still out of town and the guy is a prince. He books a private room in a restaurant (classy move, Vlad) and she shows up in a red dress and they talk and she cries and he cups her face and BOOM! in his palm are tear shaped diamonds. God, this guy is good.
So we are back in Romania and Johnathon decides that this orgy needs to end and he needs to settle down. He escapes the castle and ends up at a convent where they care for him and then weirdly enough in perfect English, the head nun sends a letter to Mina to come to Romania to marry Johnathon. Now again, I feel like I need to point out the problem here. He wants her to travel to the center of evil so that they can get married because it is ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS NEEDS! She gets the letter and takes off, standing up Dracul. And I bet he even pre-ordered a bottle of Moet. He is understandably pissed so he gets revenge by finally "killing" Mina's best friend Lucy and making her into a vampire. She is buried in her wedding dress and Van Helsing says that they need to chop off her head just to make sure. This was actually a hilarious moment in the film. The three bachelors and Van Helsing head to Lucy's crypt and find that her coffin is empty. Suddenly she walks down the steps carrying a toddler. And let us discuss this wedding dress for a second. What is happening here? There is lace and wings and the hat? What?
Anyway, they end up re-killing her. Mina and Johnathon head back to London and probably resenting their friends for not buying anything from their registry. They have dinner with Van Helsing and then it becomes clear that they need to destroy Dracul. They realize that he is probably hanging out in dirt in one of his properties in London so the manly men head over and burn his dirt. Mina is staying at the insane asylum in a bedroom and suddenly mist appears and there he is, her prince. She totally is into to him and they have this weird making out blood game thingy and I think my parents sent me to the kitchen to get some Pringles.
The men break into the room when they realize Mina is probably having more fun than on her wedding night and Dracul turns into some weird bat-like thing that can burn crosses which was not in the manual. She has only been slightly infected and they know that Dracul needs to head back to Transylvania because Botox-like soil is all gone and he needs to recharge. The decide to head back East taking Mina with them because this poor woman. They chase Dracul, hoping to get him before he reaches his castle and then there are action-packed scenes in the mountains with carriages and stuff. Mina of course is entranced by Dracul and tries to stop her husband and his buds from killing her lover. In the courtyard a fight ensues and Dracul's throat is cut and he is hurt and she uses herself as a shield and brings him into the castle. He lies on the steps as he dies and he asks her to finish him off so that he can finally rest and be with Elisabeta. And oh my goodness do I cry and cry and cry during this scene.
So Mina does what he asks and she is released from the spell and we can all go back to London and live in a hovel and not a castle because Johnathon Harker probably lost his stupid job because of his Romanian orgies and non-work related expenses: i.e. stakes. So anyway, that was my re-cap of a film from 1992.
I remember exactly when I saw this film for the first time. We were at my Godmother's cottage in Quebec and my parents and I and my brother headed to the video store. I stood in front of this VHS cover and stared and stared (that's how I would let my parents know I wanted something back in the day. I was not allowed to beg for toys so in my brilliant infantile wisdom, I concocted a full proof plan. I would stand in front of a toy (probably a My Little Pony) and stare and stare and stare. I was subtle. I still do this today at jewelry stores.) I was 12 years old at the time and had graduated from being fascinated with witches to vampires. Puberty, guys. I was OBSESSED with all things paranormal and dark. A little goth that wasn't allowed to wear black or paint her walls grey... repressed, I was. So when my parents relented and rented this film, I almost fainted from complete and utter joy. We headed back to the cottage, set up the film and BOOM! Instant love affair with Gary Oldman and vampires and IT WAS ALL SO VERY MUCH! I probably shouldn't have been watching this film at the age of 12 but my parents did the whole "LA LA LA LALALA! GO GET YOURSELF ANOTHER DRINK IN THE KITCHEN TOVA!" whenever a sex scene would come on. This explains A LOT about me. Wow, break through. Anyway, the film was dark and romantic and twisted and everything I could have ever imagine from a film. I LURVED IT. And to totally quote that ridiculous image above "Love Never Dies."
So here is my re-cap and my observations and oh, I do so love this movie. We start off with Romania near the Carpathian mountains in the 15th century. The Ottoman Empire is making its way West and is a "threat to Christianity". One prince (Dracul - Gary Oldman looking the hottest he will ever look) is off to battle in his odd ribbed for her pleasure armor and says good bye to his one true love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). (My middle name is Elizabeth and when 12 year old me saw this film, my mind exploded).
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We are now in London 400 years later... at an insane asylum. A Mr. Renfield is staying a while because he just isn't fun to hang out with anymore. Apparently ever since he got back from Romania, he's been acting a little loopy and not getting a round in at the bar with his buddies. 1800s London was rough, guys. So then we are in a law office where a Johnathon Harker (KEANU REEVES GUYS!) with a terrible British accent is being told he needs to replace Mr. Renfield and head to Romania. There is that guy Dracul who wants to buy a ton of real estate in London and if Johnathon gets the deal, he will probably be promoted. Johnathon stupidly does not ask about per diems or if he can claim the traveler miles for personal use. We then meet Mina. Wait! Wait just a second! She looks just like that Elisabeta chick! Hurrah for reincarnation! She is visiting with her friend Lucy who lives in like a really really nice house. Lucy is played by Sadie Frost which finally introduces us to the one actual British person playing a British person so far in this film.
Mina is sad because she has to say good bye to Johnathon (her fiancee) as he shoots off to Romania. But she fills her time looking at Kama Sutra books and judging her friend Lucy. Dammit Mina, she's putting you up in an awesome house while your boyfriend travels to the East. Show some gratitude. Meanwhile, Johnathon is on his way to Romania. He writes a diary and travels by train and it is all very Bohemian and dark. He arrives by carriage to an unmarked station in the woods and tells the driver "But..but, we are early. There is nobody here yet." yeah, like he cares. Welcome to the real world Keanu, I mean Johnathon. A minute later a spooky carriage rounds the corner and the driver stretches out his claw-like arm and pushes Johnathon into the carriage. See, at this point I would have been like "No thanks and where is the closest Raddisson?" After a harrowing ride to the castle, he is left alone in the courtyard. He walks up to the door and knocks and it suddenly opens and who is there? A MAN WITH BOOBS ON HIS HEAD!! WHAT?!
Oh no, that's just an old guy who looks creeptastic. Now here is a plot hole. This guy owns a castle, is buying high end property in London and has a chaffeur and yet he has to answer his own damn door? Dude. Johnathon and Dracul have dinner together. Well, the human eats and the vampire just makes bad one liners about never drinking...wine. After dinner they sign some paperwork and Johnathon congratulates Dracul and I think FedEx would have been an easier solution. Suddenly Dracul sees a small picture and it is of Mina (aka Elisabeta) and BOOM! new project! He instructs Johnathon that he needs to write his loved ones that he will be staying another month chez Vlad and Johnathon isn't too pleased because he totally didn't bring his travel-sized humidifier and his sinuses are going to kill him. Dracul hops and skips away to book some budget flights to the UK to be with his soulmate.
Mina is bummed that she won't be getting action for a while since Johnathon is staying in Romania and Lucy is trying to decide on who to marry. Bachelor number 1 is a doctor who works in the insane asylum, Bachelor number 2 is a large Texan and Bachelor number 3 is a wealthy British earl/duke kind of guy. I think we all know who I would choose. Meanwhile, Dracul is on his way over to his Elisabeta. He makes his way to London in a box of dirt... guess Business Class was booked. And immediately heads over to Lucy's house. Under some weird trance, Lucy heads outside in a bizarre Herve Leger dress in the middle of the night during a storm. Mina sees her and follows her through the gardens. As Mina rounds the corner, she sees Lucy doing a very naughty thing with a were-wolf type thing. This is the part my parents sent me to the kitchen. The were-wolf thing is actually Dracul and he sees Mina and is a little embarrassed so he Men in Black's her so she won't remember that he is doing her best friend because that will be awkward when they start dating again.
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| Pretty sure that wasn't available in Victorian England. I bet she bought that in Paris. |
She takes him to the movies and then he tries to bite her and then realizes that his life kind of sucks and doesn't want to do the same to her so his teeth retract and then a wolf shows up and then there is this weird zoom in of leather gloves caressing a white wolf and that was very uncomfortable. Lucy is starting to get a little paler and a little sicker and we see bite marks on her throat and her fiancee (she chose the duke guy (yeah she did)) and he says one of the hottest sentences ever "Spare no expense" to find a cure. Rejected Bachelor 1 decides to invite his old mentor Dr. Van Helsing. Anthony Hopkins! WHAT?! With a German accent?! What?! He shows up and realizes that there is a vampire in their midst. Mina accepts a dinner date with her new foreign prince guy because Johnathon is still out of town and the guy is a prince. He books a private room in a restaurant (classy move, Vlad) and she shows up in a red dress and they talk and she cries and he cups her face and BOOM! in his palm are tear shaped diamonds. God, this guy is good.
So we are back in Romania and Johnathon decides that this orgy needs to end and he needs to settle down. He escapes the castle and ends up at a convent where they care for him and then weirdly enough in perfect English, the head nun sends a letter to Mina to come to Romania to marry Johnathon. Now again, I feel like I need to point out the problem here. He wants her to travel to the center of evil so that they can get married because it is ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS NEEDS! She gets the letter and takes off, standing up Dracul. And I bet he even pre-ordered a bottle of Moet. He is understandably pissed so he gets revenge by finally "killing" Mina's best friend Lucy and making her into a vampire. She is buried in her wedding dress and Van Helsing says that they need to chop off her head just to make sure. This was actually a hilarious moment in the film. The three bachelors and Van Helsing head to Lucy's crypt and find that her coffin is empty. Suddenly she walks down the steps carrying a toddler. And let us discuss this wedding dress for a second. What is happening here? There is lace and wings and the hat? What?
Anyway, they end up re-killing her. Mina and Johnathon head back to London and probably resenting their friends for not buying anything from their registry. They have dinner with Van Helsing and then it becomes clear that they need to destroy Dracul. They realize that he is probably hanging out in dirt in one of his properties in London so the manly men head over and burn his dirt. Mina is staying at the insane asylum in a bedroom and suddenly mist appears and there he is, her prince. She totally is into to him and they have this weird making out blood game thingy and I think my parents sent me to the kitchen to get some Pringles.
The men break into the room when they realize Mina is probably having more fun than on her wedding night and Dracul turns into some weird bat-like thing that can burn crosses which was not in the manual. She has only been slightly infected and they know that Dracul needs to head back to Transylvania because Botox-like soil is all gone and he needs to recharge. The decide to head back East taking Mina with them because this poor woman. They chase Dracul, hoping to get him before he reaches his castle and then there are action-packed scenes in the mountains with carriages and stuff. Mina of course is entranced by Dracul and tries to stop her husband and his buds from killing her lover. In the courtyard a fight ensues and Dracul's throat is cut and he is hurt and she uses herself as a shield and brings him into the castle. He lies on the steps as he dies and he asks her to finish him off so that he can finally rest and be with Elisabeta. And oh my goodness do I cry and cry and cry during this scene.
So Mina does what he asks and she is released from the spell and we can all go back to London and live in a hovel and not a castle because Johnathon Harker probably lost his stupid job because of his Romanian orgies and non-work related expenses: i.e. stakes. So anyway, that was my re-cap of a film from 1992.
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